No Supermom Here

Beautiful Picture

2011-01-14T11:58:00.001-08:00

I thought I'd share this lovely photo card created from pics of my amazing husband and girls. I am beyond blessed.

Mommy Guilt

2011-01-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

I used to feel that mommy guilt is a complete waste of emotion. I used to ignore it. Yet the more I ignored it the worse I felt, the more anxious I felt, and the more guilty I felt even though I thought I was doing the right thing in ignoring it.

The worst case of mommy guilt for me is when it's related to medical issues. Salem is 8 and has Noonan Syndrome. When she was first diagnosed I often felt that somehow it was my fault. I did IVF and she was a surviving triplet. I would often look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I had a hidden case of Noonan Syndrome and unwittingly passed it on to Salem. The geneticist reassured me it was a spontaneous mutation (awful term huh?) and that it wasn't my fault. Thus we began the process of medical intervention, speech/PT and horse therapy, etc and I threw myself into being the best mommy I could be to give her all the help she needed. She's now a thriving 8 year old in 2nd grade and while we still deal with issues related to NS she's amazingly on track.

I have felt mommy guilt often over the years since Salem's NS diagnosis. Especially at times when I've lost it and screamed at my kids, broken a promise or broken their hearts by doing the right thing in disciplining them. But it was never as intense as it was when Salem was so medically fragile. I learned to stuff it thinking it was unfruitful.

Today I had to deal with the intense mommy guilt feelings all over again but this time with my youngest. Raina is 5 1/2. The kiddo has issues not quite so medically defined as NS. She has extreme social anxiety. When she was 4 they thought she was autistic but later we all decided that her social anxiety was mimicking a lot of autistic symptoms. So we started working on her speech, social anxiety and sensory issues. Now she's 5 1/2 and honestly she's come a long way in developing social skills but her sensory issues can at times be off the charts and I've not seen a huge improvement speech wise even though she's seen a speech pathologist twice a week since May 2009.

In December she failed her hearing screen at school. We went to the audiologist and we were referred back to her doctor to clear up fluid in her ear and then instructed to come back. That second appointment was this morning. We now know she has mild to moderate hearing loss in both ears. Neither ear drum responded today either. They'll send the report back to her doctor to get a referral to an ENT to see if she has fluid in her middle ear that we cannot see or if there is nerve damage or a bone issue.

I made it all the way to the car before I gave in to the guilt. It literally over took me. I just cried and cried and felt sick at my stomach. I could look back and see that what I thought was inattention or her zoning out was actually a hearing problem. So of course I feel guilty. Intensely guilty. I should have noticed this sooner. I should have been more in tune to her. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

And when I gave in to those feelings and let myself cry and feel sad and overwhelmed something amazing happened. I self-talked myself out of it. I told myself I was being ridiculous. There as no way this was my fault. I am not an audiologist or a speech pathologist. There is no way I could have known. I am a mommy not a super mom - slash audiologist - slash speech pathologist - slash all around know it all (even though sometimes I may act like an all around know it all).

So I talked myself down off the ledge of mommy guilt by letting myself experience it without stuffing it deep inside. Then I remembered something Ty (my therapist) once told me. It's good for me to feel ALL emotion. Even the overwhelming ones or intensely sad ones. And I did. Probably for one of the first times. I didn't try to judge what I was feeling. I didn't try to stuff it. I just simply felt it and when I did the Leah that knew better spoke up. Now the anxiety is gone. It may be something major yet it may be something minor. I just have to trust God to mark our path regardless of what happens when we see the ENT.

So for today - at this moment anyway - I am not going to worry about it. Of course I am praying it's something as simple as needing tubes but I am choosing not to obsess over what if's. It is what it is - my emotions are what they. Rather than stuff them - I did the right then and began to experience them so I could process them. Before I always tried to process without experiencing them. That doesn't quite work.

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You." Isaiah 26:3.

No Super Mom Here

2011-01-10T09:35:00.000-08:00

Growing up I dreamed of being a wife and mom. I wrote out my name as Mrs. John Smith (or whomever the love of my life was at the moment) on spiraled paper and came up with baby names for the children we'd have - 2 boys and 2 girls of course. I'd fantasize about the perfect home we'd have to raise our children in and the amazing wonderful life we'd life. I was going to be a Super Mom and have the life I always dreamed of as a child.

Then I grew up. As often happens, my life took many unexpected turns and by the time I was married and finally having children after years of infertility, I realized how ill equipped I was. I didn't know the first thing about mother hood or cooking or cleaning, etc. I simply had been playing house. So I started looking at the moms in my church that seemed to have it all together and I began taking mental notes. Their homes were spotless, their children well behaved, their meals home cooked and they seemed to have time for everyone and everything.

Thus the definition on how to become a super mom began formulating in my mind. It was fairly unconscious but it happened none-the-less. I was still working when I had Salem but quickly went part-time as we dealt with her health issues during her fragile first year of life.

I left work to become a full-time stay at home mom when she 16 months old. My dream come true. But the super mom part of the dream often became a part of an ongoing nightmare. I struggled to keep the house clean and the laundry done. I was tired and struggled with what eventually became a rigorous speech/PT schedule and it only got harder when Raina came along. Throw potty training and nursing a newborn at the same time in the mix while Brian was working long hours and I guarantee you would NEVER have thought super mom when you looked at me. Or perhaps you would have because I hid behind a well groomed mask. But I guarantee you I was a super fake.

Now Salem is 8 and Raina is 5 1/2 and I am learning an important lesson - I wasn't meant to be a super mom. (Yes I can be a slow learner). That nagging sense of trying to be one still lingers. If you don't know me well and come to my house today you'd be welcomed into a nice clean living room. Every night the girls toys go up and the two rooms you see when you come in are clean.But if you REALLY know me you come in through the side gate of our yard and into the back door of the kitchen and what you see depends on the day. It might be a nice clean kitchen if I have had time to clean. If not who knows. If it's laundry day you might see laundry all over my kitchen floor as my laundry room is really a closet in the midst of my kitchen. And to the right of my kitchen is my office which is in a constant state of disarray to my husband's eye but actually I know where everything I need is. Usually.

For the most part I am ok those close to me seeing this. I still want things to be perfect. I still struggle with how to be a Proverbs 31 woman and what that really means. But in an effort to make the "main things" the "the main things", I decided I could be the best mom and wife possible by being simply being present in the present rather than the empty headed muti-tasking I had often done to simply get it all done.

My home can be warm and inviting without being spotless although you might see me cringe if you ask to see my bedroom. My goal is to concentrate on the relationships with my husband and daughters. More importantly I want to believe in the memories I am making with them. That matters so much more than what I got done on any given day. My to do schedule certainly won't completely go away, but some things can wait or be said no to. My girls won't remember a spotless house unless I turn mommy dearest on them. But they will remember me spending time with them as they play the Wii, as we scrapbook, as we play, or as we do whatever we do that day.

I am often guilty of tuning out. Thus, my goal in 2011 is to tune in. You won't find a super mom here. I didn't even get this new year's post posted until January 10 (my goal was the 1st of course). But you may find a mom who just wants to be the best mom she can be while sharing how she's figuring out the whole Proverbs 31 thing. You might also find some stories of how this ex-super mom wanna be became a the wife and mom God called her to be as she shares her successes, misfires and lousy moments.

For those that may have read my 90 days of solitude blog - I am sure that will creep in here. That's why it in the archives. I know that those 90 days of solitude coupled with my long surgical recovery last year brought me to the place where I am today.

Leah's God Story

2010-11-14T14:27:00.000-08:00

This is the outline I used in church today as I shared my God story. Rather than give the long detailed soap opera version, I prayed and felt led to give some minor background information and then share what's changed the most for me in the last few years. I hope to share more details soon. This is the first time I've shared even a portion of my story in public.

I am the oldest daughter to a single mom of 3. During my childhood I was physically abused by a baby sitter and sexually abused as well. I grew up with some odd thought processes that helped shape me to become promiscuous as I searched for love and acceptance. Of course you don’t find love or acceptance in relationships like that but I couldn’t see that. All I could see was if I did whatever someone wanted me to do they’d love me and be there for me. That didn’t work with friends or in relationships. When things would fall apart I’d do something foolish, get depressed or even get arrested for incredibly stupid things many of which were done to get attention.

In 1995 I became a Christian. I did truly fall in love with God but I was 27 at that point. I had a lot of learned behavior to unlearn and to be honest I did a poor job of it. At the church I was going to then I felt as if I were being taught that once you become a Christian everything tends to come together afterwards. That’s not really what happens. God is certainly with you every step of the way but there are still consequences to past actions, still things to work on and you still have your past behaviors to work through. On top of that I remember being really zealous and excited and sharing my story in a variety of places and seeing a lot of people shocked and doors even shut. Since a lot of my issues have always been with relationships this destroyed with me. I remember making a conscious decision shut off. I decided it would be easier to just be me and Brian and eventually our family then deal with the people around me.

Life went on. We struggled to get pregnant and then when I did I was on bedrest – a very lonely bedrest – for 14 weeks. Then our beautiful Salem - our surviving triplet - was born. She consumed my life and I never really realized how lonely I was or what was missing until I was pregnant with Raina. At that point I had a couple of girl friends but I was truly terrified for them to know about my past. I prejudged based on others responses and worried so much about what they would think that I could never relax and just be. I always felt completely guarded around them. In the fall of 2008 my walls started crumbling. I did have a wonderful husband and children but my life lacked relationships. My walls even effected my relationships with my husband and children. I wanted to be a loving wife and mom but often I felt tired and drained. Basically I just felt empty. How can you pour into someone’s life if you’re empty?

I was at a breaking point and knew something needed to change but had no clue how to do that. I struggled through prayer and bible study and eventually decided to reach out to a Christian therapist. That was the first healthy step I took. It took a while but he got through to me on the importance of needing healthy peer relationships with other women in my life. At this point I really distrusted most women. Yet I also wanted to be able to trust friends with my past so I didn’t have to tip toe around it. My therapist helped me work through that and challenged me to tell a few people. After a lot of arguing with God (God won of course), I did tell a few people general details and received positive feedback. But the first person I really broke down and shared my complete story to was a friend named Tammy. She completely encouraged me and love me through it all. Throughout the next year I did try to make new friendships that never really went anywhere. This is natural. Sometimes friendships are meant to be and sometimes they aren't. At times that made me want to crawl back into my shell. But I was encouraged to keep trying.

This past year winter and early spring I was seriously ill. I was in the hospital for 8 days and at home with home health taking care of me for 8 weeks. That loneliness seemed to set in again but I realized this time the loneliness wasn’t real – it was a trick of the enemy. I had people who loved me and cared about me. They brought me lunch or treats, they helped me feed my family, clean my home and take care of my children. I had the relationships I needed but realized I needed to do more on my part to cultivate them.

You can plant beautiful flowers in a garden but if you don’t water them or pull the weeds they die. There is even a gardening process called dead-heading. Basically when a flower blooms and then dies and you have to pull off the dead head so it will bloom something new and beautiful. That’s what I had to do. I had to dead-head the unfruitful and unhealthy relationships in my life and tend and cultivate healthy ones.

I am constantly reminded by God that life was made for love and community. We can do this life on our own but it’s not the plan and it’s not healthy or wise and we won’t be living the life God created us for. We can also live this life with unhealthy relationships. Those need to be dead-headed. They are even more destructive than being alone. God wants to bless us and speak to us and sometimes he uses his word, sometimes a preacher, sometimes a podcast or a random act of kindness but sometimes he uses people closest to us. Relationships are necessary. Since I got well this Spring I have really worked on that and God has blessed me with friends like Rebecca who welcomed me and family into her home and that taught us the importance of family relationships. Our families studied and fellow-shipped together all summer. It was a huge blessing for me. When it ended I wasn’t sure what would happen but our friendship carried on and we have made new family friends – The Emery’s and The Dodds. My life is full with friends and I believe it was God's plan for me and my family all along. I know our lives are busy and sometimes our schedules do not lend to spending a lot of time together, but I do know that I could call Rebecca or Tammy or Amelia or Heather or their spouses and they would be there for us in a second as well as Allison or Joann or my family. It's wonderful to have a wide support network. I can't do this life on my own and thankfully that was never God's plan. Even long distance friends can support me with love and prayers.

I believe our salvation is holistic. We come to God completely broken and alone. Sometimes even though we have Jesus in our heart we have a lot of issues to work through and sometimes in Christian culture that’s become taboo. It’s as if the thinking is if we’re saved and going to heaven why on earth would we need anything else? I do believe going to heaven is the glorious reward to serving Christ in this life. But there is SO much more that God wants for us and there is nothing wrong in reaching out for help whether it be via a recovery group, a Christian therapist or your pastor.

We are all in this life together. The simple thing is God uses everything around us to grow us and prune us - to dead head what needs to be removed. It's a holistic endeavor meaning it encompasses our entire being - physical, spiritual and emotional.

One Size Fits All

2010-07-09T13:04:00.001-07:00

As I've struggled on this journey to try and figure out where I am in this world, what my calling is and how to fulfill that calling through a balance of solitude and community, I've realized something. Our world seems to have a one size fits all mentality - especially about relationships. Women in particular it seems.

We all want to be like the mom who has the perfect house, the perfect kids, the perfect physical appearance...but what is she like down inside? Is she perfected by the perfectness? Perhaps she is. Some are I am sure but I would guess that the majority would have some sort of "what else" question in their hearts. As moms how many of us feel the need to do it perfect...To do what's popular even if it goes against our discernment...To do what everyone else is doing. Yet we try to teach our children the dangers of following the "in crowd".

I think that's where my struggle comes in. I am not a go with the crowd person. I can be opinionated even though I've learned to temper it. As a mom, I did things like extended nursing and cloth diapers in a crowd where it wasn't so mainstream. I was never really labeled a hippy but I often felt like my "mothering" didn't quite fit. And perhaps I put some of that not fitting in on myself but I know none of my friends were quite as excited about my newest cloth diaper or the fact that I finally night weaned at 16 months.

As a homemaker, my house is seldom spotless. It's picked up (usually) and certainly not filthy but there are crumbs on my floor and usually a few dishes in the sink until I load the dishwasher at night. Toys laying out usually doesn't stress me out until someone comes over. And on laundry day(s) there is usually laundry on the floor of my kitchen as I don't have a separate laundry room. I've even been known to put all my clothes on my dining room table as I wait for that perfect time to fold them. (By the way that perfect time NEVER comes. I need to just do it and get it out of the way.) I love going into some one's perfectly put together house. I feel at peace. But honestly I am at peace in my home - unless someone unexpectedly shows up. Then I'm not quite so okay being myself around others. I think that stems from trying to be the mom or homemaker the world thinks I should be (other moms and women especially). I put most of those expectations on myself, but where did I learn to do that?

As a friend I do think I am more go with the flow. This is where I am more purposeful to try to fit into the one size all option. Like a square peg in a round hole I try to perfect my personality to fit in with others. If they like going to play dates at a certain place I do it as well even though I HATE it rather than suggest we occasionally do something different. If they call me for lunch I will change my schedule to accommodate rather than suggest an alternative date unless it's something I cannot change. Lately I've realized I just don't like that one size all. I would rather go to the gym everyday and not miss a class to go somewhere for an hour in the hopes that I might really click with this person and have a sustainable friendship. I would want to go to lunch but would rather not give up a class that I love. I'd rather say - hey can we try Chick Fil A this week (since we went to McDonald's the last three?). I'd rather have friends who don't judge me by my messy home or scattered desk. I am actually quite put together and accomplished most days with my multi-tasking abilities. You just can't tell by the look of my desk or home even though that's something I desperately want to work on.

Why do I find the need to fit into a one size fits all society whether it be via parenting or friendships or Christian service or even my relationship with God? I am an individuals. Thus perhaps we should bridge that individuality through community but not lose that individuality. But in a desire to fit in we often do lose ourselves. And most of the time we aren't told to do something or not do something. We often put that on ourselves. Why why why? How can we stop this? How can we bridge this gap or actually forge a new road? To be honest I have no clue. Did you expect some glorious epiphany? I'm not the one with all the answers. I am looking for answers and I'd love some feedback.

I do think when you forge a new road it can be a lonely journey at times. Sometimes those closest to us don't understand. But lately I've already heard from women who feel similarly as me, so I don't feel quite so at odds with myself in this world. Their circumstances might be different but our feelings are similar.

Where do we go from here?

Not So Alone

2010-07-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of time to think today and have strongly realized how I am truly not alone. I feel the spirit of God with me most days in strong tangible ways. I have beautiful children that I spend most of my days with and to be honest even though I have hard moments with them most of my days with them aren't hard. Thus I am really not alone either physically or spiritually. For the most part if I really needed someone I could find someone. Knowing this doesn't erase those intense feelings of loneliness that seem to suffocate me at times or make me less envious of those that seem to have beautiful relationships outside their spouse and family. But it does help.

And the more I think about this the more I think that there are other women out there like me who, for whatever reason, don't click well with friends and wonder what's wrong with them and their relationships as well. I think it's far more common than most people realize. Women are mysterious creatures. We want the world to believe we have it all together when really we don't. We set ourselves up for failure from the start. We want to be the perfect wife, mother and homemaker. We want the world to think we have it together and don't need help, even when we're drowning and need help the most. I think some women have attained that balance of relationships and when to reach out for help without drowning others in the process (i.e. being too needy). But the more I think about this the more I think women are scared to reach out. We're scared to be real.

I remember something else Ty asked me on Monday. He said if all this were for one purpose what would it be? I said to help someone not be so alone in going through something painful. But in order to do that I must experience it. That's the not so glorious side of it.

I am a great motivator. I love to plan and encourage and educate and help others. And in those strengths I think I am reaching out to others to motivate and encourage and help me in return. But it's a silent outreach. By being motivating and encouraging I hope to be motivated and encouraged in return yet I never verbalize that. But sometimes you just need to tell people what you need. That's what I am going to work on this week.

In the last 24 hours I made a great advance towards this. I emailed two new friends a large portion of my "God Story" and I found that there are women out there who struggle the way I do and I am having lunch with someone with a similar struggle as mine next week.

I am very thankful God led me to blog so openly. It was so very hard to do at first but not only is it developing me spiritually it's helping me reach out when I really do not have the words to do so.

Being Alone

2010-07-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

I sat in therapy yesterday emotionally spent. And of course I cried. I always do, even though I still don't want to even after 19 months of therapy. As I knew he would, Ty said - you know this is a safe place to cry, why are you trying not too? And I do know it's safe there. Of all places I can let go, I can let go there. I know Ty prays for me and he helps me in therapy through the Holy Spirit. I know it's safe. Yet it's still hard. Even though this process has been long and hard it's been healing, but I am somewhat tired of it all.

I talked about my loneliness and need for friendship and how I felt my friends were closing out of my life due to moves and other circumstances. I felt as if a part of me was back where I started in the friendship department. I do know a lot of people. I have a lot of social connections. But I have very few deep friendships and have found them hard to maintain especially when life changes and people move or our life circumstances change. I have often looked at other women and I perceive that their relationships with one another are easy to maintain but mine are not. Ty reminded me not to judge that. What I see on the outside is never everything. I am still slightly envious of the relationships I see others have with the same sex. I still feel somewhat alone in this area.

As we continued to discuss this we talked about how lonely I felt and then Ty led me through a visualization that really helped me differentiate between loneliness and being alone.

As I closed my eyes and found a safe spot to visualize and we continued through the exercise, I felt the presence of the holy spirit almost lay completely on me. It was heavy yet peaceful. In the past I may have fought it feeling as if I were suffocating but the heavy presence was healing. As I felt him laying upon me, I was reminded that it's okay to be alone.

Perhaps that is what I have been missing in my solitude journey. The realization that I will be okay if I do not develop those deep and lasting relationships. It might not be perfect or exactly what I want, but being alone isn't the same as being lonely. I just have to learn to be at peace in my solitude and realize ultimately I am never alone.

The presence of the holy spirit comforted me and while the exercise itself was short I walked away from this session realizing how sweet the presence of God truly is.

I am reminded of the scripture in Hebrews 11:1. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen". I cannot see God but I felt him. He sustains me in this journey. I feel alone but my faith reminds me I am never truly alone.

It's okay to be alone...
In my "aloneness" I turn to God...
Through that submissive turn I see God, I submit to God, I am healed by God...

Change

2010-07-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows I am resistant to change. Even good change. It's borderline ridiculous at times. Most of the time change is good. We evolve, we grow, we move forward. Yet I still resist. I like routine and structure and knowing what's going to happen. I like having the same thing for breakfast, knowing what the girls and I are going to do that day and having weekend plans scheduled in advance. I am not very spontaneous and that coupled with change can be stressful for me.

For instance today seemed to punctuate the change in my life this year. This time last year I spent the 4th with my closest friends and their families, 2 of whom moved shortly there after and the other who is moving soon. It actually was a nice day but it was somewhat stressful. As I tried to be the good hostess and be helpful and fun I couldn't help but be a tad sad. It rained almost all day. The friends who were here last year weren't here this year except for one friend's husband who recently returned from Afghanistan. He is moving soon to reunite with his family and change bases. So today may be the last day we see him. I was very glad he was here, but being here did emphasis how different from last year it was.

By the end of the day, everyone else had said their goodbyes and a picture had been taken. I waited til the room cleared out and said my goodbye, got my hug and then unexpectedly he said very sweet words to me. He said he could see the changes in me - not just the obvious physical ones but the emotional as well. At that moment I was so incredibly thankful that someone took a moment to share that they had noticed. It wasn't a long drawn out thing - just an acknowledgement. I needed it. I've been so tired emotionally the past 6 weeks. It blessed me beyond measure.

He left and I stayed in the kitchen for a bit. I didn't want to cry. Ty would ask why not cry and to be honest I am tired of crying. I don't want to stuff it all in but I am tired of my emotions. And on top of that there were just too many people around and I just didn't want to deal with it. Now at 11 at night with the family asleep it's easier to give in and be sad and yes cry.

But if I am completely honest, I am tired of facing my emotions, feeling them and embracing them etc. In the end I will be thankful for the healing change they bring. Perhaps even tomorrow I will be thankful. But for right now I am tired. I am also tired of therapy and self-discovery and continually feeling as if I am trudging uphill in this battle towards spiritual and emotional healing and well being.

A part of me wants a hiatus from all this change. I want to curl up in my bed with a book, the remote control and my phone so I can text and play Words with Friends rather than drive to Lubbock tomorrow to see Ty. Earlier today I couldn't wait for tomorrow and now I dread going. But tomorrow is a new day so I will go to sleep tonight meditating on that thought and praying for God's best.

Side Note: I shared my story with one person (very edited but still)...And I emailed someone about scheduling a Sozo. That is positive change.

Today's Gonna Be A Good Day...

2010-06-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

I woke up with the Black Eyed Pea's song - It's Gonna Be A Good Night (or whatever it's called) on my mind. So I changed it and have been singing...

I got a feeling
...today's gonna be a good day
...today's gonna be a good day
...today's gonna be a good good day

It's hard to sing that and be sad. It's silly but something so simple has cheered me up immensely. Life is still stressful. My problems haven't magically resolved, my feelings are still hurt and I'm still lonely. But it's a beautiful day.

I am blessed and have decided to concentrate on what I am good at.

I am faithful to those I love. I love very well.
I am tender-hearted. This is both a fault and a strength. Most weaknesses can be strengths if you channel them correctly.
I work out HARD. :) I may not be the best at it but you can't beat my determination.
I have faith that things will get better.
My loneliness encourages me to strive forward to find the right friendship. God has made me for community. He encourages me continually in this area. I just need to not give up.

Today's gonna be a good day. Thank you Lord.

Nothing is Impossible

2010-06-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying I will try again tomorrow.

I saw the above quote on a friend's facebook page tonight and it really hit me hard. The past two weeks have been very hard. I have felt quite defeated and very alone. At times I feel as if it doesn't matter what I do - it's two steps forward one step back. No matter what gains I make, the losses seem to outweigh the wins. It's completely tiring.

I've been really struggling to understand where I am at. My trainer asked me today if I realized how strong I was. I had to be honest and say not usually. I am catching glimpses of how strong I am getting physically. I have range of motion back in my arm, my nerve damage feels less noticeable when I am working out and I am loving my Art of Strength training. But emotionally I still feel broken and unusable. I feel as if I am that ugly broken pitcher that's been put back together with glue but not one wants to use it but they also don't want to get rid of it. I am just there. It's an odd word picture but I continually see myself as that broken pitcher. The scars will always be there. Some days they literally do not bother me. Today they do.

But the author of the above quote is right. I am strong physically and emotionally and spiritually. I will make it. Nothing is impossible. Even if my goal seems so very far away and barely visible a times, it's still there reminding me where I need to get to. In the distance yes - but still visible, thus attainable. I didn't make it today but I will try again tomorrow.

Thank you Lord for another chance tomorrow.

The Story of Me

2010-06-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

Salem constantly asks us to tell her her baby story. So Brian tells her about being conceived and sharing space in mommy's tummy with Angel and Brynna. Her face just lights up when he tells the story. I thought this would eventually segue into a sex talk but she's almost 8 and has never asked about sex or why boys are different or why a baby should have a mommy or a daddy, etc. So I decided that the next time she asked to hear her baby story we'd use that as a way to step forward into learning about sex.

I have to admit this topic has always brought up a huge level of anxiety for me. It's as if by stepping forward in this I had to embrace my past. I also didn't want to bring my baggage into it, so I read and prayed and asked for friends advice and ultimately bought The Story of Me. It's a simple starter book that gives basic information, yet it opened the floodgates to questions. I was so happy to answer them. Even sweet Raina asked a simple question. I am so happy it went so well. The anxiety just drifted away as we read the story and started talking. It was funny though that Brian was in the room while we were reading the book and when I asked Salem if she had questions she started whispering. So dear sweet dad took this as a cue for some mommy daughter time.

Now the girls are asleep and our first official "sex" talk is out of the way and I have a few moments to reflect. As I sit here, I realize my anxiety is from the intensity of childhood "stuff" this is bringing up in me. I've been dealing with this "stuff" for a while but it's been hard to really get into it. It's as if the last 18 months of therapy, I've been going through stacking boxes of issues and this is the last box...that last big thing I have to work on to truly have the past in the past. And the scary thing is I don't know everything that is in the box. I have certain concrete memories but a lot of vague, fleeting memories. What scares me is what could be there when I fully open the box.

I love my mom and grandparents and I know they loved me - but I do wish things had been different, safer...

I wish I didn't have that memory of me and a family member when I was a young girl...

I wish I didn't have those vague memories of me and my stepfather...

I wish I wish I wish... I have a thousand wishes.

Those unfulfilled wishes hurt a lot. The grief is intense, probably because I've never really allowed myself to feel them before. Also I know some of these things happened around my girl's ages. But when I look at Salem and Raina my hope is renewed. I may not have had what I wanted or needed all the time as a child, but they will. I cannot be the perfect mom, but I do want to be the mom I am called to be.

I believe in healing. I know God can and will heal my brokenness. I am a work in progress certainly. But I wonder if on some level I will always have a few of those wishes tucked away inside. I've always tried to hide or ignore that hurt little girl inside of me, but right now I think she needs me more than I need to hide her away.

So rather than hide or disregard those childhood wishes, I want to acknowledge them and work through but also transcend them. I want to heal and move forward. And I want my girls to grow up with a healthy sense of their own sexuality and God's plan for that in their lives. And as I talk with them, I grow myself. I see in my own heart what I need to face and work through. It scares me. But ignoring it has never worked before.

It's time to start some hard work...

My Intentional Summer

2010-06-12T20:32:00.001-07:00

For the past two summers I've wanted the girls to have fun filled memories filled with love, laughter and spontaneity. To be honest, I lacked a lot of the follow through that many things needed. I had great ideas but no follow through. Thus I needed a plan. Without one I easily forget or get sidetracked doing a 1001 things that are important but not necessarily what I need to be doing. So a friend suggested this which she found at the a friend of mine suggested this which she saw at the Whatever blog.

With this in mind, earlier tonight - Dad, the girls and I just made our own! Salem especially was excited and suggested a millions ideas. When I asked Raina what she wanted to do all she suggested was to play at Sonic (at the one with the playground). Thus our list was created.

Now that the girls are in bed and the poster hung up it got me thinking about where I am at spiritually and what I am doing to help the girls develop their own spirituality. Thus I made one for me.

I want to be spontaneous but to a large degree I am just not wired that way. So rather than obsess on how to change that I am going to try embracing my planning nature and let myself be scheduled and intentional but with the goal of not going over board.

I hope some of you will join with me. Let me know if you do so I can follow your journey.

Where am I now...

2010-06-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

It's hard to state where I am right now. There are a lot of areas I am still working on including body image, anxiety, mixed emotions regarding relationships and not knowing exactly where God has me going. It's hard to articulate at times.

What I do know is that I love to write and blog and want to continue. I do not know if it should be in a general style or something more thematic and concrete. I have ideas for 3 different books in my head so I do need to start working on one of those as well.

In general my goal this summer is to blog three times a week. I have to devote the rest of the time to the girls. Summer flies by. I don't remember having a ton of fond memories of summer and I want my girls to have that. I want to laze around the pool, go to the park and on playdates and sleep late and cuddle. I just want to be with them. Blogging is important to me, but second to them.

I do know that I want to live my life intentionally rather than accidentally. I want to do what I was created to do rather than just going with the flow and doing what I think I have to do or what others may expect of me. I want to know why I am alive and I want to accept that responsibility and allow God to create in me the life he is calling me towards. I want to live the life I was meant to live - the life only I can live. My alternative is to live a life I am not called to. Perhaps a life that someone else was meant to live.

I do know that I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am meant to write and speak. Beyond that I still don't know.

God please show me.

Vow Renewal

2010-05-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have a 1000 thoughts I want to blog about. So many thoughts, so many spiritual questions, so many ponderings. But I am busy. I am in a short season of busyness. Thankfully it's not my norm. But May is notorious for being busy. It's the last month of school, graduations (we know 5 college graduations and 4 high school graduates), Raina's birthday, Brian's dad's birthday and this year we added our vow renewal.

So my thoughts will wait a tad longer. I am jotting down ideas as I think of them so I can blog soon. Blogging helps me succintly decide what I think. I really have to ponder and research in order to publish it. I love that accountablity. It also helps me grow spiritually and emotionally as well as hone my writing skills. Yet that will have to wait. But in the interim, I thought I would share our vow renewal plan for this Saturday.

Our pastor: I’d like to welcome you to Jacob’s Dream and to the vow renewal of Brian and Leah ****. Jacob’s Dream is a beautiful place for Brian and Leah. A place of peace and promise which is why they chose to renew their vows here today. Brian and Leah have been married for 12 years and in that time have built a family that includes their daughter Korie, Salem who is almost 8, Raina who turns 5 on Monday and they adopted Larrah in 2006. They also have Brynna and Angel in heaven. The lord has greatly blessed their family. But they have struggled through hard times as well. On their wedding day they pledged their love in sickness and in health and for better or for worse. The past few years have tested those vows but their enduring love for one another has prevailed. Thus we are here today with family and friends to celebrate and renew their continued commitment to one another. To reaffirm the life together and renew the vows of love, honor and fidelity that brought them together 12 years ago.

(Brian's Dad): Please join your hands and repeat after me:

In the presence of God, family and friends, I now choose to continue my life with you. And in recommitting to you, I renew my vows of love, loyalty and friendship. I am delighted today, in the presence of God and these witnesses, to reaffirm my commitment to you, and once again, to promise to love you, honor you, and comfort you, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better and for worse, as long as we both shall live.

Prayer & Communion

Meaninglessness

2010-04-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

What do you think of when you think of meaninglessness? For me life is meaningless when I think of being alone. I look around me often in a conscious effort not to take for granted what I have. I do have a nice home, money to do things within reasons, the blessing to be a stay at home mom and be there for my kids even when they are in school and right afterwards, and more. We aren't rich by any means but we do not lack. To be honest, I enjoy all of this. But would I enjoy it so much without Brian and the girls or dear friends?

When I look at my life I realize that a lot of the problems I had in the past stemmed from loneliness. I sought relationships and connections in unhealthy ways because I detested being alone. I was not meant to live a solitary life - but without Jesus in me, I didn't know how to develop Godly relationships. I can still remember those intense moments of loneliness. Sometimes it still hits me and I have to forcibly make myself realize how many people I do have in my life that care and love me in return. I am no longer alone.

Somewhere along the way I had to decide to do my part in building relationships. It became more important than building a career, acquiring wealth or the need for more stuff. But there is balance. I can minister through writing and speaking and still be a faithful spouse and parent. By faithful I mean being faithful to spend time with those I love so I can build and nurture those relationships. But I can think of many Christians who gave their entire lives over to ministry that they neglected their families and ended up burnt out, divorced or with children who turned their backs on God. This isn't solely related to pastors. A businessman may have the same issues or even a working mom. I know Brian and I struggle to balance running a business with family and ministry. It's so easy to become unbalanced. But together we can do it.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-14 (NIV) says: "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

To me it's clear that relationships are key. God is the integral cord but he created us for relationships. Alone I could be overpowered. Through relationships I will overcome. Alone I feel meaningless. The scripture says we accomplish more through relationships. There is something powerful in our relationships when we God coexists in them. It takes just one person who refuses to leave you lying on the ground to prove this. I have been on both sides of that. I have been so alone that there were times when I didn't have anyone to pick me up. It was awful. Sometimes I just wanted to give up and not get up. I didn't feel like I had anything to get up for. Now I have let God open my life to relationships. Now when I fall there is someone there to reach down a hand and help me back up and I do the same in return. It's how it was meant to me. I no longer feel that intense overwhelming sense of emptiness that loneliness brings. God brought me these relationships and I am learning everyday how to nurture and cultivate them.

I think the world perpetuates the idea that if we're strong we don't need people. That's a lie. We need each other. We were created for relationships. We were designed to do life together. Without relationships life is meaningless.

Today's Reflection: Even when there isn't another person around I no longer feel lonely. I know when Brian will be home at some point, the girls will wake up or get out of school, and there is always a friend I can connect with as well. I am so thankful Lord for these relationships. They strengthen me. Through them you define my purpose and calling. Sometimes I cannot comprehend the blessings in my life that have come through relationships. I am so thankful that I no longer feel disconnected in this world, like an outsider looking in.

Get Connected - Stay Protected

2010-04-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

I recently had a security system installed at the house. I learned how to arm and disarm it easy enough what's taken the most getting used to is hearing the warning beeps every time I open a door. The warning beeps can be a little disconcerting and even annoying. I thought about turning the warning beeps off, but somehow that seems to negate the purpose of having a security system. Those warning beeps are reminders of what to listen for so if there is a time it goes off and I know it's not due to me or the family, it quickens my mind to pay attention and be aware. It helps give me a sense of security in normal daily situations not just security in knowing it's armed when I am asleep or away from home.

I think as Christians we have a built in security system as well. Have you ever been in a situation where you just knew you needed to leave or be wary? That's a spirit of discernment that comes from God via the Holy Spirit. But if you turned the discernment volume down or even off you could be in a messy or dangerous situation quickly.

Most of us wouldn't purposely turn the volume down or off. But how do we keep it to where we can hear it? We have to stay connected to God. But then the question becomes how to stay connected to God. If you ask a variety of people they will probably all offer different advice. One might say to get up at 5 am and spend an hour in prayer and bible study. Another might say to listen to praise and worship music all day and yet another might say something entirely different.
The reality is it’s not a 1-2-3 step process. Being the anal person that I am, I would prefer it. If I do this, this and this - then this will naturally happen right? Nope – not with relationships. They simply do not work that way. I've learned the hard way that you have to cultivate and nurture all relationships, especially one with God.

So as loosey goosey as it sounds you have to figure out what's good for you. If you're not a morning person getting up at 5 am will probably not work for you past 1 or 2 mornings. But getting up 10-15 minutes before the kids might be doable.
But regardless of what you do, make it structured and stick to it. Just as you might set a regular date night with your spouse, a lunch date with girlfriends or go to the gym, it’s just as important to schedule your time with God. You will know when to do it - rather than trying to fit it in. If you have just 15 minutes, start there and work your way up to more and more time. If you look at your day realistically there is time. I ration my time on other things until I know I've done what I need to do. I have even been known to set a timer to account for how much time I spend online If I don't I could easily spend an hour or two at the computer. So set a reminder and if need be a timer – and spend some time with God.

If you're a go with the flow type of person this might be hard for you. I am SO not a go with the flow type of girl but if I were, I might think of a 1000 other things or just rest and relax and not realize I hadn't made time for it.

So start with 15 minutes. Pray - talk to God. Find a devotional book that speaks to you. Most are less than 5 minutes. Read it, meditate on it, pray about it and then include God in the rest of your day. I talk to God while I shower or drive or clean. I listen to a lot of Christian music because it puts me in the mood to commune with God. I have to prep myself physically and mentally because I tend to make things harder than they are. So if I can do this – being the queen of procrastination and excuses that I am - I promise you can too. Like anything, practice makes perfect. The more connected to God that you are the more you’ll hear his voice and feel his discernment and the more guided you’ll be.

Get connected - stay protected.

Today's Reflection: As I develop my relationship with you I am fully aware of the power of the Holy Spirit in my life. I feel his presence guiding and directing me and definitely protecting me. I cannot fathom living this life without him. Thank you Lord for the gift of the holy spirit and for developing a heart within me to hear his voice and lean towards his words fully with understanding.

Becoming Childlike

2010-04-22T06:44:00.000-07:00

My almost 5 year old has been wearing glasses for 4 years. She's extremely far sighted and has an astigmatism. We go to the eye doctor 2-4 times a year on average. We just went in December and lately I've noticed her right eye still turning in even with her glasses on so I decided to take Raina to the opthamologist.

He brought up the inevitable - we need to patch her good eye. I pretty much knew this was coming but my biggest worry was how Raina would react. I came home and did some reading and chose to invest in a couple of really girly patches rather than do the adhesive ones. They are on the way and we'll start patching as soon as they get here. I expect because we are patching the good eye to help strengthen her weak eye, that it might be uncomfortable, harder to see at first and may even give her a headache.

But I am hoping for the best. Raina's always been very compliant with her glasses. Even when she was 1 and got her first glasses she kept them on. She seems to have always understood that she simply can't see without them. She doesn't fight them or even the doctor except when they dilate her eyes.

When I really ponder this I realize she understands the need for glasses and eye doctor appointments and accepts it. She goes with it. And she's only about to be 5.

When I compare how accepting and understanding she is of the inevitable things in her life I realize how much I am not. I am the one constantly trying to find the easier road. There always has to be an easier way right? I spend so much time searching for the easier way or by procrastinating and putting off the inevitable, that I make things worse.

We can learn a lot from children if we let ourselves. I want to be more like Raina and accept hardships or problems easier. Children are so beautifully resilient. They just go with the flow for the most part as long as they are nurtured and loved through it. How many times have we seen our kiddos take a really hard fall and because we kiss it and pray to make it better they seem to be fine even though they have an awful scratch or bruise? As an adult I would probably limp throughout the day rather than moving on.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says: "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

Today's Reflection: Lord teach me to be more like my children. Show me how to be the example to them I need to be but always remind me how much I can learn through them and how they see the world before them. Help me not teach them my anxious procrastinating ways.

The Dream

2010-04-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am not one gifted with prophetic dreams. My husband truly has the gift of prophecy and words of knowledge but I do not. Seldom do I even remember my dreams long after I wake. But I had a dream a few days before I was hospitalized with the infection and I wanted to share it.

The last Friday of every month Brian and 2 friends get together for an all night prayer retreat. I normally truly dislike being alone at night. I don't sleep well and tend to get fearful. I was already feeling pretty bad at this point and didn't realize I had an infection yet this night I wasn't as anxious as I normally had been.

I went to sleep the last Friday of January and had a dream. It was a very vivid dream that I remember in detail almost 3 months later. In this dream Salem and I were in a building of some sort with a lot of people. We went there willing but later we couldn't leave. There was a woman there and she was very adamant that we could not leave. I do not remember feeling fearful but shortly after she said we could't leave Brian, a friend named Leonard and some other people crashed through the building in vehicles. Brian told me to leave with Salem and they'd handle it.

In the next scene of the dream, we were leaving the house. Our house is on a corner and our driveway is on the corner right outside the backyard. I had both girls with me and we stepped outside and I noticed the same woman across the street. Again I don't remember feeling afraid. But I noticed her and I remembered where she was from. I got the girls in the van as I watched her. She never crossed the street to where I was but I could hear her talking to me. She was telling me things like she had to kill me, that I couldn't live and she had to destroy me.

Again - I wasn't afraid. For a woman that has in the past and is still dealing with a lot of fear issues this has stuck with me. I simply was not afraid. I remember telling her I didn't want to die but if I did God would send someone else to do what he had called me to do. At this point my neighbor came out and shot her. Later she's in an ambulance yelling at me that this isn't over.

This was Friday night. Sunday afternoon I was really sick and Monday I was in the hospital. I do believe in coincidence and I do believe in the supernatural. I am also not one to see a demon behind every shadow. But I truly believe this dream was either a warning of what was to come or something hugely spiritual in my life.

I think of this dream everyday. In the bible God allowed Peter to be sifted. God allowed Job to be tested. I definitely do not think God made me ill. But he allowed it for a reason. Was I being sifted or tested? I think so.

Now I'm trying to figure out why.

Jenny Bizaillion

2010-04-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

While I was in the hospital the 2nd time recovery from the surgery to clean out my infection, I'd often play on Facebook. Many of my friends new a young woman named Jenny Bizaillion. I never had the pleasure of meeting her but she changed my life. But while I was in the hospital and later at home recovering, Jenny was in the hospital as well. She was admitted February 4th in critical condition with pneumonia.

Jenny's struggle was indeed critical. The infection rampaged and on February 22nd she passed from this life into the arms of her heavenly father. She was 32 and left behind a grieving husband, 8 year old daughter and an amazing amount of loving family and friends. In the 2 plus weeks prior to her death I prayed for her daily - several times a day. As I was getting better she seemed to be getting worse. As I got to go home, she weakened and continued to fight for her life. On February 22nd she died as I was getting my PICC line out from the comfort of my own home.

I remember just crying as I read the update. What on earth was fair about this? She was a beautiful vibrant young woman full of life and calling. Why was her journey called short?

I simply do not know. I do know I still wonder why I am here and she is not. I am so thankful to still be able to parent my daughters and live a wonderful life with my husband. I am here for a reason. I am still waiting for God to define that for me. I just know he has something planned for me. I am here in this world for a reason. My world may be small but it's my world. I can do something incredible in my world just as Jenny did.

Everything I read about Jenny portrays her as a Godly woman full of love and compassion and gospel truth. I want to be remembered likewise. Jenny - thank you for living for God and being a true testimony to his gospel. I know I will think of you often and while a part of me grieves for your family's loss - I know you are fulfilled in the arms of the father. Thus I will pray for your husband and daughter as I pray for mine. I will pray for God to heal their pain and bring them peace. I know your calling is complete or you wouldn't be in heaven and I pray that the lives you touched on this earth will continue to reach out and touch others creating a lasting legacy of hope and peace.

You brought hope to my life in a dark time. I never feared for my life but I often feared for my family and what would happen to them if something happened to me. I watched my little girls struggle with worry and fear and saw my strong and never worrying husband worry. I remember asking God to let me stay and be with them longer. And for reasons I do not understand I was healed on this earth and you were healed the moment you went to be with the father. All I can assume is I have more to do.

I do not look at this gift lightly. I actually feel quite overwhelmed at times. But regardless, I see your life as a beautiful reminder that challenges me to do better and be more and to do what God has called me to do. One day in heaven I will look forward to meeting you, hugging you and telling you thank you in person.

What did 90 days of solitude do for me?

2010-04-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

My therapist recently asked me this and I was puzzled. It did teach me a lot in that I leaned in and really delved into getting to know God and worshipping him on a new level. But what did God really mean for me to learn from it?

Later that night I had dinner with my friend and she said she thought it was preparing me for this journey I went on medically. I was very tired and ill and then hospitalized again homebound with the PICC line and wound vac. All in all it was over 12 weeks before I wasn't homebound and tired and weary.

She's right. I would have probably had a nervous breakdown if it had happened before my 90 Days of Solitude or if I hadn't obeyed and done the 90 Days of Solitude. I was tired and slept a lot and even though I had a lot of help with my house and with the girls there was still a lot of time left in the day. I wasn't mentally capable of a lot of bible study or complicated thought process due to a lot of medicine. Yet I was able to draw peace and not worry because my spirit was full. My spirit communed with God and knew what I needed.

Thank you Lord.

Unfinished Business

2010-03-31T07:23:00.000-07:00

My first Sunday back at church since January 25th was AWESOME. And they sang one of my favorite songs. Take a moment to listen to it and worship!

I missed some of the key points of the sermon as it's a part of a series but the part that really stuck with me is Revelations 3:2-3. It reminds me of the song by KJ-52. I think for the past several months God has been telling me to wake up. To strengthen myself in him as my soul is dying and my job is not finished. In the Greek finish means to complete a debt, to end and to complete.

My goal today is to meditate on this and come back tonight with some thoughts on my unfinished business. Lord help me!

Today's Reflection: What is my unfinished business? How I do finish strong? Lord what do I do? I know your words and direction are there and I am getting glimpses. Reveal your word to me. Reveal your plan. Show me. Guide me. Help me finish!

Philippians 3:6 - He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

Today...

2010-03-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

So I ended up having an infection (enterococcus) and ended up having surgery and IV antibiotics. The surgery was March 2. I was on vancomycin and zolstyn for 8 days. After surgery I was put on a wound vac. I went home with a PICC line, 2 more weeks of IV antibiotics (just the vancomycin) and the wound vac and homehealth care to facilitate it all. My husband and sister had to learn how to administer my IV antibiotics. It's now almost 7 weeks later and I still have the wound vac. I am doing well and I am praying to be off the wound vac in 2-3 weeks. The infection is gone and I am more mobile. I can drive and get of the house and am more active mentally and physically.

January 1st, I thought I knew what my 90 days of solitude had meant to teach me. I still think what I was thinking was correct but fairly narrow. I think God was shifting my focus. I was SO busy. If I had been that busy I am not sure how together my life would have stayed the last weeks. If I hadn't focused on God and developing my relationship with Him, I may have had a nervous breakdown. I am not sure. I am still pondering and thinking it all through.

It's been a long ordeal since my 1st original surgery on December 30th. I've had to depend on friends and family for food, housecleaning, helping my kids get back and forth, getting groceries etc. I was tired and healing for the most part but if I were truly honest I was hurting. I was angry. I was resentful. I wanted my life back. I wanted my routine. I didn't want other people taking care of my kids, my house, my responsibility. I felt like I had somehow abandoned all I wanted.

Then came a turning point. I didn't have to depend on others - I was able to. I spent years helping others. Now I was able to let others help me. That's truly how our christian community should be. A symbiotic relationship of give and take. Not a hierarchy of those who give and those who receive. It became humbling and spiritual rather than frustrating and humiliating. Rather than being frustrated cause I couldn't find a lid to a Tupperware container I felt thankful that someone washed my dishes.

I have so many thoughts churning through my mind and a part of me wants to blog it all tonight. But instead I will start with this - thank you. Thank you all for praying for me and my family. Thank you to those who helped with food and errands, for picking up the girls and taking them where they needed to go and for cleaning my house. Thank you to those who stopped to visit and bring me lunch and fellowship. Thank you for the sweet comments on this blog and by email or facebook.

Thank you. That's where I will start today! Tomorrow I will start with some of the thoughts I've had churning through my thoughts and heart.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who instead of giving advice, solutions or cures have chosen rather to share our pain & touch our wounds with a warm tender hand. -Henri Nouwen

Update

2010-02-02T21:08:00.001-08:00

This blog will continue but wanted to let you all know I am in the hospital. I developed an infection due to my surgery. I had another surgery today and healing. It will start again. I hope you all stick it out with me.

A New Normal - Prelude

2010-01-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

First of all let's say my plans to keep blogging during recovery were crazy. I am just three weeks post op and am SO tired and need more rest and down time than I realize. I've been quite emotional and feel vulnerable because I can't even clean my house or make my bed. It's humbling but I think God is continuing his work in me. I feel God's presence but I am tired and doing less bible study. I long to dive back in but cannot concentrate. I was sad and emotional last night and talking to God and he gave me a lot of peace. He has a plan it just wasn't as immediate as my Type A personality wanted it to be.

I am going to strive to keep solitude a part of my daily life and God gave me a new direction for the next 90 days that I am going to start this weekend. I've realized that I've changed SO much the past year and have taken down so many walls and removed so many masks I am not sure who I really am at heart still. I am different physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My temperment is different. I am feeling all these emotions that I haven't felt in years. It scares me but it excites me more. I feel such hope but it is surreal. I have often in the past wanted to be normal. Well normal is a myth really if being normal is being like someone else, etc. But I want to embrace this change and let it take me further. My old normal was frustrated and angry and hurt and bitter and generally miserable. I want to see where this new normal is taking me. I want to continue to embrace it and let it evolve within me and not grow stagnant. I just know I need to continue to find Leah.

Follow Up

2010-01-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

I am home and resting and healing and praying. I am working on compiling my testimony as well. I appreciate your prayers. I am not spending too much time on here yet as I've been gone from home for 9 days and want to spend the time I am not resting and healing with my family.

But God's got a plan for this blog. :) Check back this week. Probably Wednesday.

Day 90

2010-01-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've been pondering this post for the past three days. When I started this journey I was completely unsure where it would take me. To be honest I did think there would be some "huge" defining moment when I would completely know what God was doing with me. And while I do know more, I also know less. It's as if the closer we lean into God, the more we realize we need to work through. But this is what I do know:

What the past 90 days has accomplished:

1. Teaching me to be less distracted by things that consume me or make me anxious. Way less TV (especially news) and way less time online. It all kept my mind so hyper alive that I couldn't hear my soul cry out for God.

2. To be...I was a doer. I still am to a degree. And it's ok to do. But it's not ok to do do do and never be. Even in the midst of awful circumstances we need to be so we can heal. Being still quietens our hearts and our minds so we can listen to God. I completely believe that.

3. I've totally leaned into God. I've done more prayer and bible study in the past 90 days than I probably have in ten years. I've learned how to cultivate intimacy with God.

But what else? I'm not sure. I actually think that's a lot for 90 days, but being the perfectionist I am, it's hard not to be somewhat disappointed. Am I where I need to be? Have I missed something somewhere? To be honest I just haven't figured that out. All I know is I have a lot of peace. I am no longer spiritually stagnant. I feel rejuevanated. I feel God right here with me at all times. I do feel more vulnerable and anxious than I have in years but I think that's because I've finally opened the door to my heart to feel, thus I am bound to feel vulnerable and anxious. Thus I want to be in this moment even though its scary. I think God wants me vulnerable as a reminder that I can't or shouldn't do this life on my own. When I feel vulnerable I tend to want to shut down and shut people out. I don't want that anymore.

So where does that leave me today? I think for now I am going to keep doing what I am doing. I have an almost 6 week recovery ahead of me. I can definitely use that time to lean in further to God to see what's next. I do want more. I do want a ministry and I do want to keep balance in my life. I think the past 90 days was the beginning of a lifetime journey. Perhaps not one where I journal every single day but who knows. I think it's very therapeutic for me. I haven't written in years before I started writing this blog. I used to journal and even write poetry. I would love to be inspired to write poetry again.

Today's Reflection: It's 2010. I have no clue what you have planned for me this year but I am expecting a lot Lord. You fought for me and you showed me how to fight for myself. I love you and I want more of you. Rain down on me.

Day 89

2010-01-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

I miss life. I feel as if I am in a stasis mode here while I am recovering. I am recovering well and praying a lot but haven't felt up to reading or doing much else. I want to figure out what God has meant this journey for me to be. I think in part I was taking things for granted. I had people around me. I was the backbone of a lot. And I certainly not God wants me to focus on him and not the stuff - the extras. But what else God? What else?

Please show me. Please use this time to reveal your word to me. Give me a glimpse of what you'd have me to. I am excited to move forward and do something for you. Show me.

Today's Reflection: Lord I am pretty tired but I am blessed that my family is well and I am well. I am so thankful that you are right here with me healing me and making me whole.

Day 88

2009-12-29T20:40:00.001-08:00

It's been a long day. I am in Monterrey and I miss my family terribly. I knew I would but I never realized how much. It was a stressful trip due to snow and ice and delays. My luggage didn't make it. Then I had a hard time finding a calling card and my phone which was supposed to allow me to call out and text won't do either. So I found my anxiety level rising.

I began to second guess myself and wonder if I was doing the right thing even though Brian and I felt that we had prayed through this decision to have reconstructive surgery. This journey has been about me focusing on God and less on others. About finding myself alone with God and not running from the quiet my soul longs for. I don't think this is just a coincidence that God started talking to me about this journey of solitude in early September then I plan to have surgery at this time - close to the end of this ninety days. God knew I was coming here. Being alone and relying solely on God was apart of his plan. Previously fear has just ruled my life. I've been scared of dying, scared of living, scared of being authentic, scared of being out of control, just plain scared of everything.

And in the middle of all this I thought of Salem. How on earth will I ever help her not live in fear and anxiety if I still do the same? I don't want her constantly afraid of everything and constantly second guessing herself. I have to face this fear head on. God has to help me defeat it. I don't want to just provide lip service and tell her how not to be afraid. I need to live it. I need to show her.

The reality is I am not alone. God is right here with me. I am ok. After my panic was over I calmed. I rested in God. I prayed some but the rest was more important. Sometimes it's necessary to be quiet and just rest in the Lord.

Today's Reflection: Lord I believe all will be ok tomorrow. I believe you are right here with me. I do not want to be afraid anymore. My hope is completely in you. You will be right here with me even if I am physically alone. I believe you have a plan for my life that doesn't end tomorrow. My fear today has actually had very little to do with the surgery but more so about being so overwhelmed at being alone. Lord show me right now that you are here with me. Envelope me in your presence. Comfort me with your love. Encourage me. Free me. Let this be the start of something new. I am never alone. I rebuke fear in the name of Jesus. I thank you lord that you have given me a sound mind. You are my peace. You are my hope. Remind me that the comfort and love of family, while so very precious, can never replace the love and intimacy I share with you. I want more. Give me more Lord.

Day 87

2009-12-28T22:40:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year, when I tend to look back and see what I've accomplished or failed at the past year. I'm definitely a girl who makes resolutions. I know many people groan, roll their eyes and say really? But yes - really. There is something forgiving about the past year's mistakes and hugely inspiring and positive about a fresh new year. What I didn't accomplish is completely in the past and if it is something that is still on my radar I try to find a new way to make it work. My mind whirls with anticipation and excitement as I dream of my new goals for the new year.

And what about those things that I didn't accomplish? Well what about them? It's the past. Get over it already. In 2008 I bought a gym membership for $500 and only went twice, but so what? In 2009 I lost 90 pounds and worked out 5-6 days a week for 10 months. Things are often hit and miss. Sometimes its due to our own self-sabotage but if we don't have a goal in the first place what are we aiming for?

Breathe. Relax. It's a fresh new year. It gives me fresh perspective and helps me feel hopeful rather than hopeless. We have to stop, assess and regroup, look up to God for forgiveness and guidance, redesign those resolutions and start again. Making a resolution doesn't mean you won't have grace if you screw up. Isn't being a Christian all about grace and mercy? But it truly is a beacon of hope for many people. Even if you choose not to make a resolution - start fresh and be optimistic about 2010. We all have obstacles. My life is full of issues. But I am trying to center my focus on God. That doesn't make those issues resolve easier or magically disappear but it does help me handle them better. It helps me not be overwhelmed and to search for and embrace the right solution. It helps me dream about something better.

Life is too short to live a mediocre life filled with regrets. I am almost 42. I want to see God at work in my life - in my accomplishments and by helping me through my failures. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Have you ever wondered what that hope and future is? I do - almost everyday. Will you join me in seeking God in your resolutions for 2010? I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to live a life of no regrets.

Today's Reflection: God what do you want from me in 2010? What do you want me to say and do? What do you want me to concentrate on and what should I leave behind? What pleases you? Show me. Help me dream again. I want to know what you want from me. I want you to define it. I want to be in awe of you in every moment of every day and see you in all things so I can pray continually, worship fully and live joyfully.

Days 85 & 86

2009-12-27T21:15:00.001-08:00

I was feeling rather sorry for myself when I wrote my last post. I have done quite a lot of work emotionally and spiritually and honestly I have felt somewhat abandoned lately in regards to two specific issues in my life that simply have not changed. In some ways they've even worsened. It's disheartening from an emotional standpoint. But again I find myself looking at these two areas and basing my happiness on what I see or don't see, rather than finding joy eternal in God in spite of that.

I know the answer is joy. The word clearly says the joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). While doing some brief study on joy I also found this scripture:

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17.

How can I be joyful? I believe that many times joy starts as a complete act of faith. Even when nothing seems like it can work out - be joyful. Joy aligns me with God and if I pray with ceasing and am continually praising and worshiping the father, even when by the world's standards I should be caving, joy turns my focus off my circumstances and gives me an eternal perspective. Joy always supersedes the moment. When the dark times come, I must lean further into God. I have to have that intimate connection with God. I will not worry or be anxious and will sin less when I am intimately connect with God. And if I am intimately connected with God, how can sadness and depression dwell there?

Today's Reflection: Father, I want to be so intimately connected to you, that you become more and more a part of me to where eventually there is more of you in me than there is of me. Lord you are mighty to save me. Mighty to deliver me. Save me and deliver me into joy. I want to live in excessive joy. As I lean into you, fill me. Let me overflow with joy, quiet joy, effervescent joy, bittersweet joy, joy in all occasions...complete, eternal joy.

Days 83 & 84

2009-12-26T22:04:00.000-08:00

I really did have a beautiful Christmas Eve and Christmas. It was very laid back and unbusy for the first time in years. I was able to watch my children enjoy snow in West Texas, sleep late and enjoy Christmas Day with just Brian and the little girls. Thank you Lord for the blessing of helping me slow down. I crave it now. I realize how vital it is to my spiritual and emotional wellness. But days like today, doubt creeps in and I feel rather helpless in a couple of areas.

I do have a wonderful life and great things to be thankful for - a husband who love me, great children, a nice home, a business that supplies our needs and then some and wonderfully supportive friends. But on the fringe of all that's good I see these areas that I realize I am just helpless to change. I don't want control. I know for the most part I make things worse when I try to fix them. But more importantly, I want God to have control. I do realize that by giving God control, it means allowing myself to hurt. These issues probably won't self-correct and may get worse before they getter as I can only be responsible for my own reactions and corrections. But I want to believe that God's hand will touch these situations I am helpless in. I know in the advent season especially, I am reminded of the hope that came with Jesus' birth. Hope for salvation and eternity as well as hope through trials and tribulations.

Today's Reflection: Father thank you so much for the gift of the cross and Christ's ultimate sacrifice. Please remind me daily that I am not hopeless. My confidence is in you and that you have a plan for me. A plan to prosper me (emotionally, physically and spiritually) and not to harm me. A plan to give me a hope and a future. I believe that plan calls for reconciliation and deliverance in areas that I have no control over. I obviously do not have your insight. You know what is best God. Please shut doors that cannot be opened and open doors that cannot be shut. I do ask that you heal my broken heart. That you help me not let that hope inside me die. That it will blossom and something glorious will come to fruition.

Day 82

2009-12-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

First of all I am a day behind on posting. I was going to rush this morning and try to get caught up so tonight I could post day 83 and I decided what does a day's post matter if it's stressing me out? I will just add another day and end the official 90 days on December 31st. How fitting is that? I am not sure what will happen January 1. I know this journaling has been therapeutic so I am sure I will keep it up. But I know God purposed something in my heart for these 90 days so I am excited to process and understand where I started and where I finished at the end of this 90 days. It's somewhat humbling to lay all the cards on the table and process everything out this way yet it's wildly freeing as well. So who knows what God has planned. I will simply follow.

Anyway...

After posting last night I got a text from a dear friend who I no longer get to see much since she is now in Pennsylvania and I'm in Texas. What she sent me really encouraged me and I want to share it.

"I just read your blog and for the record I don't think you have it all together. I do, however, think you are a beautiful mess. And I admire the fact that what you are going through is hard, but you're doing it anyway. And that you are allowing yourself the time and energy to do it. You deserve that. Not to be overly encouraging, but I am proud of you."

Thanks Judy. That's just what I needed to hear. She and a another friend know all of my stuff that stays hidden from the world at large, so they have a good idea of what I deal with in therapy and through prayer, etc. So I loved this response. I know she "gets" me. It made me realize that people close to me see that it's all not sunshine and roses, but they do see my growth and the positive forward movement.

I think God sees me as a beautiful mess as well. He created me to be this beautiful unique being of infinite worth and potential. He values and loves me beyond my comprehension. Yet somewhere along the way, the beauty he created was corrupted. Now I am struggling to find that beautiful girl he created. She's still in there. I get glimpses of her and God reminds me continually that she is who he created me to be. She's just covered in the mire of this world. But she is coming out and being renewed. She may have scars, but she is there and God has this amazing plan for her. I want that. I want it now but I know I am in a process to get there and find her. Sometimes I just put the cart before the horse in my hurry and excitement.

Today's Reflection: Lord as I strive to be closer to you I often feel less worthy to be in your presence. I know that is an attack from the enemy and I refuse to allow myself to go back there. But on the other hand I don't want to think more of myself than I need to. We've talked about this before Lord - balance is such a fine line. I know you are right here holding my hand and helping me balance. If I get stubborn, please remind me that I can't do it on my own. I need your guidance, your touch, and your presence not to fall off. I treasure where I am at today Lord. I often want to finish this journey and get to where you want me to be, but for today I don't want to miss where I am at while looking at the long term prize. I don't want to miss the beauty that is right here in my life today. Thank you Lord for this life (and even for the little girls who interrupt with screaming while I am trying to finish this blog. Off to be the mom).

Day 81

2009-12-22T20:33:00.000-08:00

The more I embrace and experience my feelings the more out of sync I seem to feel. I think this is key to my emotional wellness because when I stuff and react I feel in control. But when I allow myself to experience and simply be I don't know how to respond. I feel as if I am sinking but I'm really not. It's such a paradox.

I don't want to be a control freak. I try to let the little things go. I try to really slow down and think through my responses and sometimes just not respond rather than respond in anger. But there has to be something in between nothing and anger. What is it? How I can let someone know they've hurt me or I am concerned about something without them seeing it as an attack? They've seen the old Leah for so long that even my gentle, considerate responses are often met with hesitation. Sigh. I feel as if I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I am this big emotional mess inside at times (more often than not these days) and people still think I have it all together. The ironic thing is the more I try not to pretend that I have it together the more people applaud my efforts and encourage me and thing I do have it together. It almost drives me crazy. In fact the further along I walk on this journey the less together I feel. The only thing holding me together is God and his presence and his grace. And I think that's how it's truly supposed to be. God's grace is truly sufficient for me.

Today's Reflection: Embracing emotions is so tiring Lord. It is so much easier to avoid or blow up even though I know long term it will destroy me. Some days I really want to give up - especially when I have to deal with conflict. I've always been one to tackle conflict head on. Now I hate it pure and simple. I want to be kind and encouraging but sometimes confrontation must happen but I often feel it's not well received so I avoid it. That puts me back in my old pattern so I can't keep doing that. Lord please walk before me like a banner so people will see you in me. Please let nothing in me be reminiscent of the old Leah who is dying to self. Let them see you in me so I may find favor in those situations where I need to confront or talk about a really hard subject. I don't expect people will always receive what I say or be in complete agreement, but please show me how to approach them so they will hear me, acknowledge me and love me regardless of how much or little they agree with what I say.

Days 79 & 80

2009-12-22T20:26:00.000-08:00

It's been a tiring but fun weekend. It feels nice not to run around like a chicken with my head cut off. I don't have anything wrapped but I have plenty of time for that. I've had a good couple of days. Korie is here and we've had fun shopping and spending time with the girls.

One thing I have realized is that I am fairly sensitive these days. My feelings have been hurt deeply twice this weekend. I've really processed both of these incidents through and both times I really hadn't done anything to justify receiving such rude words. In the past I would have gotten angry and then in my anger and sinned and yelled or said something cutting in an effort to defend myself. Instead these times I didn't say anything and walked away. I am not sure that is the correct response either but I didn't feel safe confronting it and saying hey you're hurting my feelings. Both situations were in front of other people. I was embarrassed as well as hurt and wanted the entire situation to die.

The more I think of it the more I realize I should have said something but with a kind hurt. There is such a fine line between being angry and hurt and sinning in reaction to that anger and hurt. I am not sure what would have been the appropriate response? Ideas?

Today's Reflection: Lord I am at such a loss at times. For every step forward I take I often feel I take 10 steps backwards. I feel as if I just don't know how to be. I almost detest this rush of emotions I feel in dealing withe these emotions. But stuffing them as I did in the past didn't help so this is better but not quite where I need to be. Please show me how to be safe in my emotions. I want to feel emotional freedom to be sad or angry or depressed but not stay in it. I want to express those feelings and process them so I can move on. What would have been the appropriate responses? Show me Lord.

Day 78

2009-12-19T07:53:00.001-08:00

Live life on purpose. That has really resonated with me and buried itself down deep in my soul. Yet it's puzzling - how can I live on purpose? What am I doing with my life today that will last forever? What am I doing to engage the darkness?

It sounds so lofty and idealistic. I am just a mom and a wife. Some days I feel as if I am barely treading water and it would be so much easier just to stop. But God encourages me to keep moving.

My ultimate calling is to be a Godly wife and a mom. Everything else is gravy. If I am godly wife and mom I will raise my daughters to know God and lead a holy life. Hopefully they will not struggle the way I did. Hopefully they will be blessed and encouraged by their mother and not provoked to wrath. I often think of the Proverbs 31 woman and to be honest in the past I've often been intimidated by it. In January I am going to start a study on it. But for now I know it doesn't mean to be super woman.

And speaking of being super woman - one thing I know for certain is I have no desire to be super woman. This week completely brought this hope. It was a chaotic week at best. Monday was MOPS and errand day. Tuesday Salem had a dentist appointment that did NOT go well and then Raina had speech. Wednesday we were back at the dentist office for her to be sedated, then Raina had an eye glass appointment and then we had a huge outreach at church. Then Thursday we had marriage therapy and OT/Speech after school and hosted a Christmas party. Then Friday Salem had a Christmas party, errands, Raina's Dr. appointment to get her stitches out...and in the midst of all this tried to do bible study pray, run errands, do Christmas stuff, had a house to get and keep clean since we were hosting two parties, had business stuff to do, a Dr.'s appointment for me, along with 2 chiropractor appointments, and more.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Yesterday I realized that this was reminiscent of how I lived my life last year. For the past 78 days this has been the exception, but pre-fall this was my norm. I was always totally busy and overwhelmed and doing doing doing. Some weeks like this past one are unavoidable. Sometimes things pile up and we have to get through it the best we can. But I know busyness doesn't bring out the best in me at all. I tend to get grouchy and all I can think of is that endless to do list. Add back pain to the mix and you might get an idea of my attitude this week. For the most part I did keep it in check but the thoughts and feelings were on this inside and I struggled to meditate and pray them through. I also know that for the past 78 days I've tried to live in peace and solitude and weeks like this show me how precious solitude is. I missed the solitude and totally resented the busyness that invaded my life. I longed for rest and peace.

So how could I have lived on purpose throughout this crazy busy week? I could have been less agitated even though I am fairly proud of how well I handled it. Sometimes busyness is unavoidable but I do believe I handle it with a good attitude. I could have remembered to bring my earbuds to a couple of appointments and used that time to listen to sermons or praise and worship music and use that as down time to quieten my mind and recenter and refresh my spirit. I could have done more deep breathing and meditation. I could have purposed in my heart to find someone to bless.

Today's Reflection: Lord I am not entirely sure what living on purpose means in my life. I know you have called me to this blog thus I am writing it and being obedient to become authentic and transparent. I know you have called me to be a Godly wife and mother. But I am sure I miss opportunities everyday to live on purpose and engage the darkness and push it back in other people's lives. I want to be a blessing to those around me. I want to stop and care rather than getting trapped in the busyness of life. Teach me in this next week to meditate on you more fully. To focus on you and what you would have me do in this life. I want to live on purpose for you. Show me what to do.

Day 77

2009-12-17T21:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight we had friends over and we ended the evening in prayer and as they prayed the only thing I kept praying was thank you Jesus.

Thank you Lord for the gratitude I feel welling up in my soul. I am eternally grateful to you for this life. Thank you Lord for the relationships you've brought to me this past year. For defining and healing relationships in my family. Thank you Lord for my sweet Brian who loves me no matter what. For my family who even though they may not understand me - they love me. Thank you Lord for using my girls, Ty, Julia, Judy, LaRae, Tammy, Amy, Jason, and Bethany to help me learn how to build relationships. Thank you lord for helping me build true relationships and for showing me it's ok to be authentic and transparent and to not live in fear in shame. I was not meant to live life alone, isolated in fear of what someone may think. Life is about relationships.

Thank you Lord for Kathy and healing her from cancer. I am just astounded when I think of the doctors report that her her stage 4 cancer is gone from her spine and lungs and smaller on her live. PRAISE THE LORD.

Thank you Lord for Matt Chandler. The joy of the Lord is truly his strength. I want that Lord. It's not a gift especially for him. I can live in that joy as well. I do pray for his healing and his family and that you would sustain them with peace.

Thank you Lord for this life - including the trials. Thank you for helping me persevere and fight and push back the darkness. Help me continue to engage and push back the darkness that fights to take over in my own life and in the lives of those around me.

Today's Reflection: I love you lord. Thank you for this life. For your deliverance and your healing and for complete wholeness. I am only here for you.

Day 76

2009-12-17T21:12:00.000-08:00

The precious life is passing by at such a fast rate that it makes my head spin and I feel as if I cannot catch my breath much less do everything I want to do. I want to slow it down but I can't. I've lived for so long dreaming of the perfect future that I have missed the perfect now. I no longer want to live dreaming about the future. My life is not a future event. What am I doing with my life now that will last forever? What is my labor for? Where is my hope? My time is going to eventually end. My days are numbered. What do I want to hear when I get to heaven? I want to know I did what God told me to do. I want to testify about the light. I want to engage the darkness FEARLESSLY and to live on purpose.

Today's Reflection: Live on purpose. What a concept. When I heard Matt Chandler say it I almost didn't catch it but the Holy Spirit quickened me to pause and rewind the podcast and I heard it again. Live on purpose. Lord I want to live on purpose. I want to live each day cherishing this gift of life I've been given. I want to live fearlessly and engage the darkness that long chained me for so long. I wish someone had relationally engaged the darkness with me and helped me through it - discipling me, living life with me. I cannot change that. The past is what it is. But I can learn from it. I can recover and be renewed and help someone else through their own darkness. The enemy cannot win if we engage the darkness. Lord teach me to live on purpose.

Day 75

2009-12-15T17:55:00.000-08:00

The joy of the Lord is my strength. That is my mantra today. It's been a long yucky day. I am tired and honestly can't think of a lot to say except to embrace my feelings as they are, vent them and move on.

A week after my grandmother died I had a wreck. I was at a complete stop and a guy hit me going 40. I've been going to the chiropractor since my then. It's really helped my neck a lot but there is still a lot of tightness. Originally the x-ray showed it was straight rather than curved. But because it's still SO tight we started decompression therapy last week. Two days after starting the decompression therapy, I misstepped off a curb and while I didn't fall I felt it in my back immediately. We were going in to Salem's Christmas program and I had to stand during most of it. I went to the chiropractor the next day and it was swollen and he referred me to the doctor.

So after a painful weekend I had an appointment today. After 2 hours there we found that I have a compression between C6-C7 in my neck and arthritis in my neck. The good news is the curve is coming back (it was VERY straight after the wreck). I also have degeneration in the lowest lumbar vertebrae. This was not caused by the wreck or by stepping off the curb but it was exacerbated by it. More than likely it was largely due to my being overweight my entire adult life. My tummy tuck will help this some. Even though I am 90 pounds lighter, I have about 4-8 pounds of skin that just hangs and that causes back pain and pressure.

But there isn't much he can do until after I heal from my tummy tuck. I am not sure I want to do steroid treatments - I don't want to gain any weight. So I am going to talk to my PCP for a second opinion and do some research. He did give me a RX for tramadol and a muscle relaxer and a tens unit (I was borrowing a friend's dads). But I can't take the pain killers and muscle relaxers during the day and drive and such. Brian does have an inversion table so I'll try that that as well.

I am so disappointed and discouraged. I can't work out the way I was working out and that is frustrating on multiple levels. It leveled out my emotions, it empowers me and it usually makes me feel amazing physically. So that is discouraging. I can't remember getting the the same feeling from yoga and walking. It's exercise - the benefits are there. But it's not what I want. The pain is also VERY intense. I have a fairly high pain tolerance. I didn't as a young adult but I have since my first pregnancy and this pain is debilitating. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to pop pills all day to maintain.

I don't want to be super woman. But I want to feel better. I want to know I can be healthy physically as well as mentally and my back pain is incorporated into that. And I am fully aware that it will get better. I am working on letting the joy of God strengthen me. But I am tired and weary and just want rest emotionally and physically.

Today's Reflection: Lord I am tired. Please replenish my joy. Strengthen me and heal me. Let your healing oil flood over me. Help me handle the pain with grace and dignity. Please help me keep my attitude in check as I work through all this. I am so grateful for your presence and I love you Lord. I know you are hear with me. Please remind me every moment how much I need you, how much you are there and that you have a plan for me that makes this pain irrelevant. You are more than this pain. You are GOD! You are the God that has delivered Kathy from cancer. Her spots are gone from many areas and the lesion on her liver is smaller. You ARE THAT GOD. You are the God that has delivered me from sin and has revealed himself to me in so many ways. I know you are there. Help me focus on you and not let the enemy tempt me to stray my focus. If I stray from looking at you I will sink. Help me walk on this water Lord.

Day 74

2009-12-15T17:52:00.000-08:00

I feel out of sync...with pretty much everything. I don't know what it is. Life is good - relationships are better. My emotions are fairly even. But I feel out of sync. It's hard to even explain. Maybe it stems to my back pain and being unable to work out like I normally do. Perhaps it's Brian's long hours and doing it all by myself so much. Maybe there really isn't a great reason.

Today's Reflection: Lord fill me with your presence. Remind me of your hope and your grace and your mercy and help me see you in everything. It really doesn't matter if I am out of sync in life as long as I am in line with you.

Days 72 & 73

2009-12-13T19:33:00.000-08:00

How on earth do you love your flaws? I find myself struggling with this a lot lately, even though I know it's important. It's brought to reality when I hear Salem tell me she hates being little. Being only 7 I really don't emphasize how small the geneticist says she'll be - 4'11 at her tallest. I do tell her that God created her little for a reason and what a big blessing he has in store for her. But if I don't apply this to my own life and to my own traits that I don't love, how do I help her apply it to hers?

I really do want to love my flaws. Physically that is easier to do since I have lost weight. My issues are more with my personality traits. I have found that there is almost always a kinder, gentler side to every personality trait that I have that I tend to want to run from. My desire is for God to turn my biggest flaws into my strongest weaknesses. It doesn't mean I should accept the negative as an excuse to say this is just how I am and thus be rude and abrasive (as I have been in the past). I need to be mindful of and make amends for mistakes I make out of my weaknesses. But I also can't stay in those mistakes and get stuck in self-flagellation. For me that just lends fuel to shame.

It's all about about balance. If I lean too far to the left I slip into condemnation and shame. If I lean too far to the right I slip into rude condescending behavior. To be honest, this tightrope is hard to walk, but it's important that I not give up.

I've often wanted to change my personality traits but really I am pretty much stuck with them. Thus, my goal should be to change how I deal with them and use them to relate to others as well as channel them in a Godly manner.

It starts with being mindful of how my personality traits affect others. It's ok to have a strong black and white personality. It enables me to be a strong advocate for my children. It gives me discernment but it's not a license to be rude, disrespectful or judgmental.

In my mind's eye I'd love to be laid back and the life of the party. The one that makes people laugh and puts them at ease. But in reality that's not who I am. I am sarcastic at times, have a dry wit, am opinionated and strong willed as well as straight forward. I seldom keep quiet. When I look at those characteristics outside of my own personality I can see that they have a wonderful ability to be used by God. But when I relate them to my own self I get frustrated because often I don't channel them appropriately. I am learning to accept that it's ok to be black and white and straight forward. It's how God made me and he plans to use that somehow for his glory. I have to trust his plan.

Today's Reflection: Lord I want my greatest weaknesses to become my greatest assets. Show me how to develop and use my dry wit and sarcasm to make people laugh rather than make them uncomfortable. Show me how to be a strong advocate for you and the kingdom as well as for my children without alienating people. Show me how to temper my strong will with compassion and empathy. You have created me with these personality traits for a reason. Help me embrace them rather than resent them. Show me how to be the ambassador of Christ that you would want me to be. I don't need to be quiet spoken to be used by you. Help me find that balance on this tightrope. I want people to see a true reflection of you in me.

Day 71

2009-12-13T18:41:00.000-08:00

As I work on my shame issues I have to figure out where they stem from. My T suggested I answer these questions to start working on where to process this from.

Do I accept my body as it is? No I do not. After losing 90 pounds I have realized to what extent I was destroying my body. I do plan to have a tummy tuck. I have exercised hard core for about 10 months and have spoken to two plastic surgeons. This skin will not retract. My skin is about 9 pounds in and of it self. At first I dealt with a lot of selfishness regarding this. But then I decided I feel beautiful regardless of the skin which is usually true. But like a meth addict whose teeth may be destroyed by their addiction, my stomach is destroyed. It affects my running and the skin infections I have to deal with. It's restoring what God created my body to be.

Do I feel as if I am not attractive enough? Perhaps occasionally but generally I am happy with my looks.

Am I embarrassed about how I am aging? No. As I have researched plastic surgery I have seen a lot of weight loss patients dealing with creating an entire new body in their quest for wholeness. I don't need or want a face lift or tons of lipo or botox. I am happy with where I am at physically, mentally, spiritually and how well I have aged. I am almost 42. I can't reverse that.

Do I judge myself for being too heavy and not physically fit? No. I have in the past. And I do think I should and can work out more but my back injury is what it is and it's not a huge shame factor. I just wish it were different.

Do I accept my mind as it is? I don't judge myself for not being intelligent. I am fairly smart. I do wish I were more humorous or light-hearted or interesting. I feel boring and would love to be the life of the party. I long to have natural fun conversation with people and I think my sarcastic wit tends to turn people off. But for the most part I am finally learning to love who I am - sarcastic wit and all and am trying to learn to use it constructively.

Am I critical over obsessive thoughts? Yes. I tend to be very over anxious and obsessive and it drives me nuts. I want to be laid back. But I always want to be who I am and channel these things positively but I don't know how. I try to be mindful of why I am anxious and obsessive without bringing judgement into it.

Am I ashamed of bad thoughts? Yes

Do I consider myself bad at meditation, bible study or prayer cause my mind wanders? Yes at times.

Is it ok for me to cry and to be insecure and vulnerable? I will admit I do NOT like this. I cry a lot in therapy but it's one of my few safe places. I am learning to be ok with it and just be but I feel ill at ease with it still. It tends to make me feel weak and unsafe.

Do I condemn myself for being depressed? Sometimes when it doesn't seem to make sense yes.

Am I overly critical of myself for being impatient, irritable or intolerant? Yes. I find no good excuse for any of that but I try to be mindful to see what brought me there as opposed to being angry at myself.

Do I feel that my anger or anxiety is a sign that I am not progressing spiritually? Yes I do feel that way at times but usually I am better at being ok with it. Most of the time I know it's because I am not working out or taking care of myself and so I know what the solution is. Being mindful helps me remember that.

Am I ashamed of my past? Yes usually

Do I hate myself if I act self-centered? No - I usually am not self centered. So if I do find myself in that emotion I just try to correct it.

Do I feel as if I am falling short in relating to family and friends? Yes. I am a fixer and right now I feel quite alone on this journey that no one else seems to get. I want people to "get me" and when they don't I feel condemned and want to fix that.

Do I feel selfish if I don't put others first? Spiritually I know there is a time to put yourself first and a time to help others at all costs. What I struggle with is finding that balance.

Today's Reflection: Lord on this journey towards wholeness I am often frustrated at how long it seems to take. I want to be whole NOW. And right now at that. I don't often want to acknowledge that it took me 40 years to get here. And I seldom reflect on how far I have come in a year. But it's been an amazing year. You have done great things in me and I am still amazed at your grace and mercy. It completes me. Help me remember that in all things I must give thanks. Your plan to heal me and restore me is a step by step process. You have a plan to prosper me and not to harm me and to give me a hope and a future. It may not be as instantaneous as I want it to be but its very real. Help me not lose sight of you and concentrate on what I lack. Let me look towards you and concentrate on what I have. I have salvation - priceless eternal salvation. I have a beautiful relationship with my heavenly father, a wonderful husband, beautiful children and loving friends and family. All things will come together in your time.

Day 70

2009-12-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

When I think of clutter I get a little antsy as that usually means I need to go through, sort and get rid of things. For the most part I handle this well after I get started. I just dread the work and actually getting started. But once I am started it usually goes fast and isn't as hard as I thought it would. Actually I go through the girls toys and clothes and household stuff on a fairly regular basis. At least 4-6 times a year. There is such a feeling of calmness after I declutter. I seem to be able to breathe deeper and more fully. I am deeply relaxed. It's almost better than a massage.

So I started thinking about this yesterday after reading my friend Marcy's blog post. It got me to thinking because while I have way more stuff than say my sister or a friend that I have that I label a minimalist (which is a good thing), I really don't hold on to things or would consider myself a pack rate. I let go and give away things fairly easy. So how does this apply to me? I didn't know at first. All I knew was that it did resonate with me on some level - it just took some time to figure it out. I ruminated off and on about how this applied to me all day. I started looking around my home - which needs to be cleaned. But aside from that while my office is definitely cluttered it's stuff that I need to file - rather than get rid of. We went through the girls clothes and toys a couple of months ago and won't need to again until after Christmas. So my house is fairly in order. So why was this in the forefront of my mind?

I went back and ready Marcy's blog again and focused on this quote by Peter Walsh in the Summer 2006 edition of "Simply Perfect Storage" magazine. Peter said: "People hold on to things because they think they may need them one day or they are afraid if they let go of something, they will lose the memory. Clutter holds you in the past. It robs you of space to live."

Sigh! OK this definitely means something to me but was far less literal than what Peter or Marcy were talking about. What am I holding onto? Physically my photos and scrapbooks and a few cherished items like my crystal angels are important to me. But other than those few personal mementos I tend to get rid of things easy. So I started to try and deconstruct Peter's quote to make it apply to my life. Here is what I came up with.

I hold on to the past because I am scared to let it go. Letting it go means I cannot hide it. It means I cannot control where it goes and who finds out and what their response might be. Letting it go means giving it completely to God to throw away or use in whatever way he sees fit. Cluttering my mind with shame and secrets holds me in the past and robs me of life. It keeps me hidden from the journey God has planned for me. Oh lord I am tired of hiding. It's lonely there and I like being in your light and feeling your presence and knowing that your grace and mercy cover me.

I know this shame thing is a big deal and I am working on it but this really made an impact on me today. Reading that paragraph out loud several times makes me realize what I fool I've been. Ignorant yes - but ignorance does not negate foolishness. There is no benefit to being so emotionally guarded about the past. It only adds fuel to shame's fire.

Today's Reflection: Lord my past is yours. Do with it as you will. If the world must know - the world must know. Please slap my hands if I try to take it back. Remind me that I want to grow and not stagnate and I cannot grow fully to become what you want me to be if I hide in shame. Shame is not of you. *Lord you have made me to be a unique being filled with infinite worth and potential. I am loved and valued beyond my comprehension. My worth doesn't change with my moods or circumstances. I am not my accomplishments or my failures, my strengths or my weakness. These are merely expressions of my deeper self that you created me to be. Please help me not lose sight of who I am in you. You are the Lord of my life, my creator. You will use my strengths and my weaknesses for your glory! Thank you Lord.

*Noted prayer during Today's Reflection is paraphrased from a meditation by Stin Hansen.

Day 69

2009-12-10T10:10:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that I am actually quite proud of myself. I am usually not one to pat myself on the back, but I made myself look back on this past year and see where I've been, where I've gone and where I am now going.

By the grace of God I started this journey last year. Self inspection and awareness is hard. Even though it's ultimately destructive, it's so much easier to hide yourself in denial and not work on anything. I did that my entire adult life and I regret it but it is what it is. I can't change it but I can change how I lead the rest of my life. I am so glad God got my attention.

Thank you for providing a way for me to lose weight and keep it off and encouraging me to exercise. I now love it (for the most part). I've also learned to eat right. It becomes habit if we allow it to.

Thank you for sending me to T to help work through my issues. I appreciate the therapeutic Godly counsel and his unconditional acceptance. His acceptance of me just as I was helped me look to God for that acceptance.

Thank you Lord for Brian who EVERY step of the way has been so supportive even when he just so completely didn't understand anything I was going through.

Thank you Lord for friends and family who were supportive no matter what. Even when I started driving 2 1/2 hours to Lubbock to continue therapy your support has been amazingly uplifting.

I am proud of what I have accomplished this past year by the grace of God:

Lost 90 pounds
Learned to like exercise & especially running
Chilled out - I've had a much easier time controlling by anger and my temper and my control freak tendencies.
Learned to say no - I don't have to do or be everything
Practiced what I preached. Before I had the words down but the actions not so much.
I've learned to trust in God - even when my control freak nature wants to hurry him along or fix it myself. I am learning to sit back and relax and - yes - wait...
I'm learning to embrace the past even the things I want to ignore. I am learning that embracing doesn't mean I look at it in affection but it helps me start processing it and dealing with it
I'm learning to love myself. I am still working on this one but it's easier everyday.
I'm learning to love time alone. I don't run from solitude as I used to. I am not scared of hearing what God says to me or my own reflections.
I'm learning not to walk in shame and to trust in the gospel for my EVERY need.

I am excited to see what God has in store for me this next year.

Today's Reflection: Today was a simple day. I was busy but you were there right beside me. Thank you for staying with me, helping me through issues that played out in my mind and comforting me and encouraging me when I felt most alone. You've done so much in my life and I am so thankful Lord. Thank you for loving me enough to fix what's been broken in my life rather than letting me self destruct and throw myself away.

Day 68

2009-12-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

Have you ever really needed the complete emotional and physical support of someone? You just wanted that touch and their emotional stability. You almost needed it even. Part of that I've never experienced in most of my adult life. I am somewhat of a touch-me-not. I don't feel instantly connected to people by a hug or a pat on the back. I tend to buck up inside and feel on edge. Yet I've always used touch to connect me to people because I felt it was expected. For instance as a teenager I was fairly promiscuous. I did so in a search for connection - for love. But most of the time I was disappointed and eventually grew to hate the actual physical part of it all. I just continued to search for love and connection that way because it's all I knew.

To be completely honest I pretty much dislike this about myself. I want to be open and less guarded. I am much more at peace with this now - but in the pas there have been times when I literally had to practice physical touch with my spouse and children. With my kids it's become second nature. With Brian it's definitely better. But it's still something that's not completely natural for me. And rather than disliking it about myself I want to accept it as a part of who I am. Acceptance will not mean that I cannot change it but I firmly believe that acceptance is the first step forward even in attempting change.

I know the touch-me-not side of myself is there for many reasons. Some of those reasons I've explored and some are lurking in the shadows and will be acknowledged and dealt with eventually. But for now I am choosing not to feel guilty about it. I used to give hugs because I felt I had to. Now I don't purposely try to avoid it but I don't seek it out because I feel I have to. (Again this is apart from Brian and the girls. God is definitely healing me and making it much more easier with them).

So with all that said - I've found that by leaning into God I am becoming less guarded physically. I feel God's presence physically even though of course I don't see him and cannot touch him. It's as if my physical and spiritual being are completely intertwined and what I feel on a deep spiritual level connects to me physically.

I feel less anxious spiritually thus my stomach is less upset and I don't have as many headaches. I feel less tired emotionally and spiritually thus I have more energy even if I have a busy day and haven't had much rest. I feel God spiritually embrace me and it relaxes me and makes me want to reach out to Brian and the girls.

It's amazing how completely fulfilling God's presence is when we truly give in to it and rest and lean into him. I never truly realized before how communing with God consistently could heal so many areas of my life. I knew and believed it could happen for others, many times felt I didn't deserve more of God than I had or I felt I had so much compared to what I deserved why ask for more? Both are ridiculous. God wants us to lean into him, to totally become dependent on him. It's how we learn to simply be with God. I've made it so difficult over the years by doing. I am really learning to relish being.

Today's Reflection: Thank you Lord for your presence in my life. For loving me and cherishing me. For encouraging me and even disciplining me. Your presence is healing my entire being - mind, body and soul. I love feeling your presence so completely in my life. As I continue to lean into you - fill me. I long to overflow in you.

Day 67

2009-12-08T07:13:00.000-08:00

The advent of Christ brought hope to the world. Hope for a savior, hope for a deliverance and hope for redemption. That hope is still here in the midst of this crazy chaotic life we lead especially at Christmas time. Hope. God wants us to stop and remember what this season truly means. It sounds like another hokey catch phrase but Jesus really is the reason for the season. It doesn't matter that his birth date may or may not have been at this time of year. This is when Christians celebrate. So as Christians what are we doing to celebrate Christ's advent?

This is a hard one for me. I am all about Christmas decorations and music and presents and so forth. Yet I try to balance it with giving and loving and serving. I try to teach that to my kids when we go shopping for those less fortunate or when we go through their toys to give to others. But no matter how hard I strive to maintain balance - if my heart is not in the right place it doesn't matter. Everything I do this advent season should be about serving Christ. Not because I should serve Christ but because I can serve Christ.

It doesn't mean I can't give gifts - but I should give gifts that mean something. It doesn't mean I can't decorate - but it does mean I should check my attitude about my stuff and not freak out when the kids touch it or when it looks askew.

How can I make this Christmas different for me and my family? I can worship fully through prayer, sacrifice, offerings (perhaps a sacrifice of time or service) and obedience. I can rebel against mainstream society's idea of Christmas and be counter cultural. This doesn't mean anti cultural. For me it simply means I won't live in chaos and stress. I won't overspend or stress out looking for Zhu Zhu pets (which can't be found without paying a ridiculous price). I will enjoy good times with friends and family and focus on people rather than doing.

I don't want Christmas yet again to be about consumerism for my family. I can buy less gifts and give more away. I can choose to celebrate Christ rather than the marketed version of Christmas. I can give. And the way I give should reflect how God gives to me. He gives to me completely. He gives to the least of those and meets obvious, specific needs. He gives gifts that bring the receiver closer to him.

Today's Reflection: Lord this journey on solitude seems to change so often I can barely keep up. One day I barely leave my house and spend all day in prayer and reading and other days I have to focus on the stuff on my list but hopefully with a different attitude and a sense that you are always right there with me. I pray that you give me insight in what has to be done and what I can let go of. He me spread the hope of Christ this holiday season. I am so blessed that my family is well and together, that our business is thriving, that we are growing spiritually and that we do not lack for anything. Lord help me never take for granted anything. I have been homeless, disadvantaged and poor. Please let me always remember those days I lived in my car during the spring of 1994. Help me always see people through your eyes.

Days 65 & 66

2009-12-06T18:14:00.000-08:00

It's been a very trying weekend with my girls. I think all children go through this but my 7 year old has decided to become disrespectful and defiant and my 4 year old is following suit yelling at me - right now mostly.

Our Saturday morning started SO sweet. Together we all three cuddled up in the recliner and watched Frosty the Snowman. Then it started - fighting, disobedience and downright defiance. By the time Brian came home at 1:30 I was packing up EVERY toy in their bedroom. Seriously. He climbed on board and it's all out of sight in the attic. It seems extreme but nothing else has worked. They still have art paper and crayons and books and that is it. Today they got to watch a Veggie Tales Christmas DVD but that was the only TV. Brian

We are also in the process of having Salem write, "Salem obey your parents as unto the Lord for it is right. Ephesians 6:1." For a 1st grader this is helpful on multiple levels. She's gotten to 40 and the goal is a 100. Every day she will write this at least 10 times until we hit a 100. Then we will start writing the fruit of the spirit.

So you can imagine how the rest of Saturday and Sunday went. A lot of complaining and meltdowns. It's almost as if we had to punish ourselves as well. But it's the right thing to do of I am certain. So we'll see where we stand in a few days.

Sometimes I think I am in WAY over my head with mothering. But God has entrusted them to me and I feel I have to be consistent. I read a study somewhere that I can't quote now that says inconsistent parenting is WAY worse than permissive or strict parenting. Of course I want to be balanced and not be too strict or too permissive but I definitely want to be consistent even when I am tired. That's the key - to be consistent even when it's hard for me personally, when I am tired or emotionally worn out or even sick.

As I struggle with parenting my girls I remember that God loves them even more than I can possibly love them even though that is incomprehensible for me to understand. He has a plan and a purpose for them just as he does for me.

I found this scripture while reading Max Lucado's Fearless. "Pour our your heart like water before the face of the lord. Life your hands toward him for the life of your young children. Lamentations 2:19.

Father I pour my heart out to you. I pray for Raina & Salem's salvation. I pray that you reveal yourself to them in a deep and tangible way even now. That they will feel your presence, that they will know you. That they will always want to serve you and lead holy loves. SAVE THEM LORD from the enemy's snare. I pray that we keep them focused on you and do not overindulge them. We want them to grow up blessed but more compassionate and giving than anything.

Salem the Peaceful - I pray that Salem will be a banner of peace. That the peace that passes all understanding will embody her spirit and she will bring peace to all she encounters. Even now her compassion and empathy are far past her physical age. I pray as she grows older that her compassion and empathy will continue to grow and as a minister of the gospel of peace she will bring people to reconciliation through you.

Raina the Joyful - I pray that the joy of the Lord will always be Raina's strength as she journeys through this life. As she giggles and makes us laugh now at even the slightest thing - let that joy grow with her and become deeply ingrained as a part of her character. Let your joy radiate from her as she grows up. Laughter is a precious medicine and I pray that you will use it to heal people through her. I pray that she continues to be light-hearted and cheerful in whatever ministry you put her in.

Today's Reflection: Lord enable me to be the mother you want me to be to these two beautiful girls. I want to be a consistent disciplinarian yet have that be tempered with patience, love and encouragement. Show me how to nurture them at every stage in their development. Let my mothering be embodied by your love for them. Love them through me. I want them to grow and lead holy Christ-centered lives. Show Brian and I what we need to do and put it on my heart to always lift them up to you in prayer. Even on days like yesterday and today when all I want to do is cry, run and hide instead let me feel your presence and fall on my face and plead for them before you. Let their special needs be addressed without being indulged. Thank you Lord for the gift of motherhood. Please help me not screw them up. Quickly reveal to me when I make mistakes so I can apologize and do what I can to correct my wrongs. Thank you Lord for the grace and mercy that flows from heaven above into my life and the life of my children.

Days 63 & 64

2009-12-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

Feed your fear and your faith will starve
Feed your faith and your fear will starve

That's a quote from Max Lucado's book Fearless. It seems so simple doesn't it? And actually it is. I make it MUCH harder than it is. Therefore that's what I am working on. I am not even working on facing my fears but facing Jesus. When Peter faced the tumultuous waters he began to sink but when he focused on Jesus and Jesus alone he walked on water.

That's what I am working on right now. I am tired, struggling with a sinus infection and long days since Brian is in the final week of Christmas light installations and is working a lot. I've realized that when I am tired or physically ill, I have to found that I am more susceptible to the attacks. Thus I am trying to pray more, study more and look at Jesus and not at the circumstances around. It's not about facing my fears - it's about facing Jesus and not being sidetracked by the circumstances around me whether it's cancer or death or finances or family issues. The rest will come together. The word says - All things come together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

I will share more about this over the weekend but I am encouraged by Matt Chandler's words before he went into surgery Friday. Please read them, be encouraged by them and pray for Matt and his family as he recovers and they wait for the pathology report.

My Heart Is Full...I Am Thankful (Click on the link for the complete post).

The last seven days have been some of the most interesting of my life. I have felt anxiety, fear, sadness and a deep and unmovable joy simultaneously and in deeper ways than I have felt before. I am grateful for this heightened sense of things. Today at 10:45 a.m. CST I will have a good portion of my right frontal lobe removed. I head into that surgery with a heart that is filled with gratitude and hope.

Today's Reflection: Your perfect love oh Lord casts out all fear. As I lean into You I feel Your presence envelope me, Your love nurture me and unmovable joy strength and encourage me. Fear cannot coexist with Your love. Thank You Father for loving me and delivering me. I am so thankful for Your love and hopeful for the future You have given me.

Day 62

2009-12-02T20:04:00.001-08:00

My biggest struggle right now tends to be fear. I really am just a scaredy cat inside. Most people who know me in real life probably wouldn't know this but I am simply afraid of so many things real and imagined. But then I wonder do I really hide it that well? My 7 year old has been developing some anxiety based fear and we've been working through that with scripture and prayer and I've been praying against that generational curse. Thus I need to deal with my own fear in order to help her deal with hers. I don't want fear to become a stronghold in her life the way it has in mine.

What am I scared of? Everything both real, potentially real and ridiculously unreal. It's borderline ridiculous at times. I've become better at taking the thoughts captive but I want more. I want the thoughts gone or at the very least I want them to be barely a blip on my radar. I want to rebuke it, turn to God and move on. I don't want to give fear even one foot in the door of my heart and mind.

Yesterday I had a hard day with some fearful thoughts. I struggled with it - prayed and thought about it. I knew I needed to fight this battle head on and not run from it as would be my first instinct. I was still pondering all this today when a friend called me. She had a dream about me. In this dream I was in a boat and paddling somewhere and was entranced by the beauty of fireflies around me. All of the sudden alligators were there and I could no longer see the beautiful fireflies. I instantly knew what this mean. The alligators were my fear and my fear is hindering me from the beauty of everyday life.

Fear stomps out that beauty. Fear keeps me surviving rather than living. I've got to get this stronghold broken out of my life. I've come too far - God has brought me too far - to backslide into fear.

I also started reading Max Lucado's Fearless. I agree with him when he says fear feels dreadful. Fear sucks the life out of the soul, curls us into an embryonic state and drains us out of contentment.

I know what God's word says. I know by grace I am saved through faith. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND. Thus really it's foolish, stupid even, for me to continue to exist in fear. I want faith to be my default reaction. Jesus says this is possible. Jesus I believe - help my unbelief.

Today's Reflection: Lord I want to be free from fear. I want to be able to ignore fear knocking at my door. I want to ALWAYS remember the promise of Christ and to not be afraid. Even in circumstances that are real and not imagined I want to default to faith. Your word tells me in Matthew 6:25 not to worry about everyday life. Lord help me. Deliver me - heal me. Show me the way through this.

Day 61

2009-12-01T20:42:00.000-08:00

I am quite tired today. A sinus infection has worn me down. Raina and I headed to the doctor's office today as she's been sick too. The doctor checked us out and I got antibiotics.

In the past I would have ignored my symptoms. I would have carried on and not took the rest my body needed. I look back at that and shake my head. It's so foolish not to take care of ourselves. In affects our physical body of course but it also depletes our emotional and spiritually wellness and strength.

Thus - I am going to bed and resting.

Today's Reflection: Lord my mind is busy thinking of the laundry I need to do, the accounting work I need to complete, the Christmas presents to wrap, and I could go on and on. But for now I am going to rest. The stuff will still be there tomorrow and Thursday. As I rest I pray that You would heal and strengthen my body. I long to rest in You Lord.

Day 60

2009-12-01T20:09:00.000-08:00

A year ago...

A year ago you wouldn't recognize me - not physically, spiritually or emotionally. I was 232.6 pounds with high cholesterol and diabetes, awful knees, a broken heart and a destroyed spirit. I was an empty shell simply existing and doing. I was surviving life rather than living it.

I am not even sure how I ended up there. There is such a delicate balance between being a wife and a mom and working and ministering and still maintaining a sense of self. Add family issues to the mix, throw in an aging, frail grandmother and two special need kids and for me that was all it took.

I don't regret helping taking care of my grandmother. She was an amazing influence in my life. And I do not regret my girls. I love them. But I was consumed with doing. I didn't live in the moment. I lived by doing, by my to do list. Thus I do regret how I lost myself along the way. I became so focused on doing and taking care of others that I lost sight of myself. I never learned to be and live in the moment. I almost ceased to exist in many ways.

I seldom nurtured my body or my spirit. I hit rock bottom. I wasn't sure what to do different but I knew that my life needed to change. I started looking into weight loss surgery as well as Christian therapy. God led me to Ty and I had my first therapy session the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

It's been a hard year at times. But it's been precious as well - even those hard moments are precious. I've looked at myself for the first time ever. It was terrifying at first. But I am continually learning to love and accept myself. Therapy and self-reflection is intensive emotional work. You don't just learn the good things - you have to face the wickedness and sad and hurtful things in your life as well. There were days I cried driving to therapy. There were days I didn't want to work out. There were days I wanted to drown my sorrows in food. But God kept propelling me forward.

In a year I've realized a few things about myself:

1. I am a unique and glorious creation of infinite worth and potential. God loves me beyond my comprehension. I repeat this to myself often and I usually believe it.
2. Garbage in/garbage out. I didn't tune in to God thus my spirit had nothing to sustain me. In relation to food - the crap I ate simply destroyed my body and gave fuel to my mental fatigue.
3. I am a great wife and mom but I have learned that I cannot be all things to all people. I am Leah. I am strong but I am human and I make mistakes. I don't let shame overtake me. I am learning how to be what God created me to be. I am learning to say no. I am learning to keep firm boundaries in place yet not build walls.
4. I have a life outside my family. That's a hard one for me. Especially with my little girls. I am just not lost in them as I was last year. I am called to be their mom and to nurture them and help them grow spiritually and into maturity. I want to raise powerful women of God. I pray for their salvation daily. I pray for their future and I see God already at work in their life. But I can do all this without being lost in them.
5. My physical body and the shape I was in was hugely a part of how sad and depressed I became. I am not a health nut. I don't want health and fitness to become a God in my life. But I feel SO good about myself. My almost 42 year old body looks better but more importantly I feel better. I have energy. I can do things. I understand the importance of staying active and being careful of what I put in my body. I had weight loss surgery - a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. It's a tool that employs restriction only. I still have to eat well. If not I could still eat 3000-5000 calories a day and regain the 90 pounds I lost. My food issues were a symptom of my heart issues. As I get closer to God and work on the issues down deep inside - the desire to self medicate with food leaves me. And as I work out and eat better - I feel better physically and emotionally.

Its been quite a journey. A holistic journey. I have lost 90 pounds. I have normal cholesterol and triglycerides. My diabetes is gone. I have more patience and am less angry and frustrated. I am sinking into God's presence rather than turning away in shame. I am finding Leah - for the first time in 40+ years. I am becoming the Leah that God meant for me to be the entire time.

It's never too late. If you're like I was - find hope. Remember there is a difference between being hopeless and helpless. I needed help and finally turned out of my stubborn will and found it. It's NEVER too late unless your dead. Live a life of no regrets.

I would love to hear your comments and your own thoughts and struggles. Sometimes I blog and wonder does what I have to say, but then I remember that God told me to do this. While I would love the feedback ultimately this is an act of worship. An act of obedience. Perhaps it's just a way for me to learn to be authentic and even transparent in a safe environment before I am turned loose on the world. It simply might be for my own benefit. But I hope this blog is helping someone, somewhere.

Today's Reflection: God Your grace astounds me. Thank You for loving me at my worst. I want to be who You have created me to be. I long to serve You. Thank You for delivering me. I am excited to see what You have in store for me this next year.

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2009

Days 58 & 59

2009-11-30T21:29:00.000-08:00

The more I lean into God, the more I realize the wickedness of my heart. That's not me lamenting in shame, rather it's a simple reality that I am thankful for as it leads me to repentance.

I am not a big "keeper". I like to shop and tend to gravitate towards nicer things but I also tend to give away and declutter fairly often. I keep the girl's toys and clothes weeded out and usually at least once a month I fill up bags to take to the Mission or Love and Care. There are VERY few things that mean the world to me but those that do I am firmly attached to. This is where my "stuff" matters more than it should.

It started with three simple crystal angels given to me by a friend 7 years ago after I gave birth to Salem - my surviving triplet. I plan to keep Salem's and eventually give her the ones for Brynna and Angel. I have so few physical reminders of them that for some reason these crystal angels have taken the place of what I do not have. I don't have pretty pictures or tangible items. I have memories of Brynna. I can see her in Salem everyday as she and Salem were identical.

I also have the memory of holding Angel, the many ultrasound pictures of her and Salem together and the pics the pathology department took yet I cannot share as they gruesome (long story I'll share another time).

So for some reason these simple yet beautiful crystal angels took the place of the lack of a physical reminder of their presence in my life.

Somehow they were not packed away properly as normally they would have been. This was during the time I had my weight loss surgery and it would be very uncharacteristic of me to have packed them away so unpoorly. So I began playing the blame game in my head. Thankfully most of it stayed in my head but it definitely effected my heart and I got angry and had to leave the house a while.

I made it to the van and cried. I was literally broken hearted. And I was SO angry at the carelessness that could have broken them. Grief consumed me. After a few minutes I realized I wasn't as angry about the literal angels as I was at what they symbolized. They symbolized my daughters. My daughters that I miss every single day. I usually don't let myself grieve enough even though I am trying to be more aware of this need. Then I realized as important as those beautiful angels were - they didn't replace my husband or Salem or Raina or even Brynna and Angel. The crystal angels didn't replace the simple memories I had. Their loss would have hurt but ultimately I will see Brynna and Angel again in heaven. Those angels are simply "stuff". Important yes - but stuff none-the-less.

I am not saying I didn't have a reason to be upset. I could even have been angry at the situation. But in my anger I sinned. (Ephesians 4:26).

Today's Reflection: Lord please forgive my anger. Help me be less attached to the things of this world. It's wonderful to have nice things but they won't bring me closer to You. They won't replace Angel and Brynna or make the grief less. They won't edify my soul or soothe my spirit. Only You can. Thank You Lord for the many blessings in my life. As I concentrate on those blessings, I pray that the cares of this world would slip further and further away.

***Note: Day 60 is a big post and I am tired. I will post it Tuesday as well as day 61.

Day 57

2009-11-28T07:38:00.000-08:00

I am still quite sad and a little overwhelmed by the emotions I am feeling. A lot of these emotions are bringing my fears to the light. If I am afraid of anything it's losing this life or losing someone that I dearly love.

Our life is a brief and fragile and an extremely amazing gift from God. Without God I don't think we are truly capable of understanding how precious life is. I know I've been a Christian since 1995 but only recently have I truly realized how precious life is.

I write this blog with Raina sitting in my lap. Right after I started typing she came up to me and said, "Hold me like a baby mama." How can I refuse such a sweet request?

Once upon a time I might have shushed her away and told her I'd hold her in a minute if I was busy working or even playing online. How lost I was. :( She's wearing a new Cinderella dress and it's scratching the heck out of my knees, but right now at this moment I want nothing more than to hold her like a baby for as long as she'll let me. I want to freeze this moment in time and just be with her.

Today's Reflection: Thank You Lord for this precious gift of life and especially motherhood. I am overwhelmed by the responsibility but am up to the challenge of being the mother You have called me to be. Thank You Lord for my little girl's health and wellness in spite of their own struggles with Noonan Syndrome and Pervasive Development. I am blessed that You called me to be their mom. Thank You Lord for Salem and Raina. My miracle girls in more ways than one.

Day 56

2009-11-28T07:35:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving. I am so wonderfully thankful for this short fragile life. It's been a hard few days and my emotions are raw but I am going to allow myself to feel them because they make me remember how precious and fleeting life is.

Rest in peace Evan - he died from conditions related to Noonan Syndrome. As you may know my 7 year old has NS so this really hits home.

Please pray for Skipper's family - she's a 28 year old sister-in-law of one of our employees and she died the day before Thanksgiving after unexpectedly collapsing.

Please pray for Matt Chandler - the preacher at the Village Church. He had a seizure on Thanksgiving day and a MRI showed a small mass on his frontal lobe. He'll have more tests and see a neurosurgeon soon.

Please continue to pray for Kathy. She has her 6th chemo treatment soon and hasn't been sick at all. She's dealing well and spending time with her family and enjoying life.

And my last thoughts go to Diana and Nick as this is the first Thanksgiving without Regina. My the peace of God sustain them.

What are you thankful for? Realize it, grab it, hold on to it. In all things give thanks.

Today's Reflection: Thank You Lord for my beautiful children and my husband. I am not sure I can come up with the words to say much else but this Thanksgiving day I am just truly humbled and thankful to be living this life.

Day 55

2009-11-25T13:18:00.000-08:00

I went to bed early last night so I had planned to post some other thoughts that I will share for another time. Today I want to post something that happened today.

I was SO excited today to realize that I didn't have to do ANYTHING for Thanksgiving. For the first time in 5 years I am not hosting. I am bringing items to my sister's house and will help clean up after, but I don't have to do the big stuff or clean my house before and after. I was feeling very free.

Then I got a call from Brian this morning that totally burst my bubble. One of our employee's 28 year old sister-in-law collapsed last night and is now on life support. It doesn't look like there is any hope. She has young children as well. So my wonderful husband instantly offered to help prepare Thanksgiving dinner for them.

Shamefully I must admit that my first thoughts were of resentment. Then God not so gently slapped my heart. I could literally almost feel it. I sucked it up, repented and said ok let's get this worked out. Then I put out a facebook message to some friends and so far we almost have a complete Thanksgiving meal to take to a grieving family.

I have so much to be thankful for and my heart hurts for this family's loss. I will blog about this some more tonight but I just wanted to share this with on this blog. I think it's easy to want to hide our sinful thoughts but when we expose them safely we really allow God to work in our lives on our deeper level.

Today's Reflection: Lord thank you for forgiving my selfishness. Thank you for rebuking my selfishness and reminding me our precious and fragile our human existence is. I am saddened at her family and especially her young children's loss. But I am reminded that You are faithful and all things come together for good to those that love the Lord. I pray that your peace will sustain them. As I grow in you I pray that you excise selfishness from my heart.

Day 54

2009-11-23T20:08:00.000-08:00

I am feeling quite convicted about how I live my daily life - or rather how I don't live it. From the world's stand point I would probably be considered a good person. I care about my family, I work hard to be a good wife and mom, I help people, etc.

But would I live differently if I knew when I was going to die? Would I say yes to all that I say yes to, even the good things in life? I What would really matter? I keep thinking of the scripture in 1 Corinthians 6:12 that says, "Everything is permissible for me but not everything is beneficial." (NIV)

I am fully aware that God has called me to solitude and in that solitude I fellowship with God through prayer, worship and study. But at times I still let myself get trapped by things that are permissible but not beneficial. Today was one of those days. I trapped myself into something I should have said no to. It was something benign but I had a busy day thus it was one of the few windows I had to spend time with God. But I didn't. I am realizing that once you start spending regular time with God - your soul begins to crave it. I didn't feed my soul much today.

Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. (Psalms 39:4 NIV).

Matthew Henry's commentary regarding this verse says: Therefore let us pray that God would enlighten our minds by His Holy Spirit, and fill our hearts with His grace, that we may be ready for death every day and hour.

Am I ready to die at this moment? Will I leave unfinished business? Of course something would be unfinished. I am not even near to perfect. But if my heart and soul seek to follow Christ and I endeavor to do what He leads me to do then I believe that all things will come together for good for those I leave behind.

I've heard many Christians, including my husband and father-in-law, often say they would love to go to heaven today. To be honest I have to admit I am not ready to die today. I want to be a mother to my daughters and a wife to my husband. I want to be a minister of the gospel of peace. I am almost 42 years old and am JUST now starting to get things right. I want time. I want to serve God and have a long life. But rather than concentrating on what could happen I pray that God will sustain me with peace and guide and direct my steps so that each day fully counts. I want to live a life of no regrets. I want to live and love fully. As my pastor often says, live to love.

Today's Reflection: Lord help me live in the moment and engage the life You have called me to. Show me how to turn my intentions into actions and not be satisfied with sitting back and letting others do what I am called to do. Help me see the world through your eyes. Help me not neglect the daily opportunities that are right in front of me. Let me throw off everything that hinders me and the sin that entangles me so I may run the race laid out before me with perseverance. Lord thank You for Your conviction that sets my soul on fire and doesn't allow me to stagnate or become lukewarm. I want to live to live - to live with no regrets.

Days 52 & 53

2009-11-22T19:03:00.000-08:00

Early in my journey towards spiritual, physical and emotional wholeness I often wondered who I was. Literally I felt lost. I was Brian's wife, the girls mom, the MOPS Coordinator. I felt as if my existence meant little and that anyone could do what I did. I think this is why I struggled with anxiety and the fear of dying. I know that's morbid but I think we all want to stamp our brief existence with something beautifully memorable.

But rather than creating something beautiful memorable, I felt as if I was lost in doing and being rather than being found through doing and being. I'm not sure if that makes sense in words but I literally felt defined by what I did. Now I realize I need to be defined by God and by allowing Him to define me and choose what I do - I am found.

I think it's very easy, for women especially, to lose their identity. God does call many of us to be wives and mothers. I believe it's one of the highest callings we can fulfill. But He never meant for us to become lost in our families. If we become lost in them or the other things that we do, they have become ultimate and God has faded to the background.

I didn't do this on purpose. It simply happened after years of infertility, IVF, a problem pregnancy and losing 2 triplets and then having two special needs kids. Everything else faded to the background. I am not saying my focus shouldn't have been on my kids and their needs, but my vision tunneled and all I could see was them and their needs. I lost sight of God, myself and even my husband.

So who I am? I am finally realizing that understanding my identity in Christ is absolutely essential to being successful at living a joyful Christian life. It is what should define me. I think I felt such shame at who I had been that I let that isolate me from God. Then I became subconsciously determined to be the best wife and mother I could be and while those are beautiful goals they left out the most important part - God. I couldn't fulfill that calling of being the wife and mother I was called to be without Him. I can only be accepted, secure and significant and therefore the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and minister of the Gospel of Peace I can be if I am fully dependent and enmeshed in God.

In my search for significance I found these scriptures and try to meditate on them:

The bible says I am accepted.
I am God's child. John 1:12
As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ. John 15:14
I have been justified. Romans 5:1
I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit. 1 Corinthians 6:17
I have been bought with a price and I belong to God. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I am a member of Christ's body. 1 Corinthians 12:27
I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child. Ephesians 1:3-8
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. Colossians 1:13-14
I am complete in Christ. Colossians 2:9-10
I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ. Hebrews 4:14-16

The bible says I am secure.
I am free from condemnation. Romans 8:1-2
I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances. Romans 8:28
I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God. Romans 8:31-39
I have been established, anointed and sealed by God. 2 Corinthians 1:21-22
I am hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:1-4
I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me. Philippians 1:6
I am a citizen of heaven. Philippians 3:20
I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. 1 John 5:18

The bible says I am significant.
I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life. John 15:5
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. John 15:16
I am God's temple. 1 Corinthians 3:16
I am a minister of reconciliation for God. 2 Corinthians 5:17-21
I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm. Ephesians 2:6
I am God's workmanship. Ephesians 2:10
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. Ephesians 3:12
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

God can do all things without me but I am tired of sitting on the sidelines. I long to be significant for Christ and be used. I long to be close to God and to feel His presence each moment of each day.

Today's Reflection: Lord I long to be who You created me to be. I am a wife and a mother and I am proud of that calling. And in the world's eyes I could be a good wife and mom without You. But I am fully confident that I can only be the wife and mom I am called to be through You. I also believe that you are calling me to ministry. As You work in me - create in me an understanding of what that calling is. I will completely submit to Your plan. Thank you Lord for accepting me, securing me without condemnation and making my brief life significant as I follow You and serve You.

Note: I found the above scriptures on a website quite a while back but didn't not save the link. When I got ready to post this I couldn't find that website that I found it on but if that person reads this or anyone knows please contact me and I'll be sure to post the reference.

Day 51

2009-11-21T20:30:00.000-08:00

I saw a movie on Friday that I've been waiting to see for AGES. The movie itself was great but as much as I enjoyed it all I could think about the entire movie was a line said toward the beginning. It has since stayed with me all weekend.

"Sometimes you have to love what's good for you."

There is so many ways to interpret this. We might interpret it to mean that loving what's good for us isn't fun or loving what's good for us isn't what we want. Why is it hard to love what's good for us? On my Day 33 post I think I touched on this some. I previously wrote: I have often been that one sheep that God ran out searching for. He always came for me. He always held me and nurtured me back to spiritual and emotional health. And along the way I finally realized that if I embraced the fences, life would be so much better.

If I embraced the love of God and the boundaries He places in my life, then that would ultimately be the best love I could ever embrace. Joy will follow. Peace will follow. Intimate relationship with God will follow.

I've been on the other side of that fence thinking I wanted what I shouldn't have was so much better than what I did have or even lacked. But I found out the hard way that the grass was seldom greener and the consequences were much harder and costly than I had anticipated.

I think loving what's good for us parallels itself into many aspects of our lives. On January 5, 2009 I weighed 232.6 pounds. I simply loved food and had very little will power in controlling what I consumed. I was also a Type II Diabetic with an A1C that was barely normal and my cholesterol and triglycerides were dangerously high. The previous October my Dr. had told me that I had a 20% chance of having a heart attack in 10 years. I started trying to diet and work out but I had zero discipline and no strength or stamina. I was miserable but I kept eating. It comforted me, yet it was destroying me. I loved what was killing me. The food itself wasn't evil but how I used food to comfort me gave it a place of ultimate control in my life. Rather than finding comfort and peace in God. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol or sex, I turned to food among other things.

I decided I had a short amount of time to fix a problem that I had developed over my entire adult life. I went to what many may consider an extreme. After being overweight for over 23 years I had weight loss surgery - a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. I certainly wish I could have had the discipline and willpower to do it on my own but I didn't. I needed a tool. My sleeve gave me the tool. It gave me restriction to where I couldn't over-eat and after losing a mere 30 pounds I had the energy and stamina to work out and eventually started running. Less than a year later I weight 144. My diabetes is gone and my cholesterol and triglycerides are normal. I have my life back. I don't regret anything - except not taking control of my life sooner.

The same can be said of my relationship with God. I turned to God and was saved at one of the worst points in my life. It was 1995 and I was definitely at rock bottom. I don't remember having this miraculous epiphany or even feeling God's presence but I did believe in God. During this time, I met another woman at this time who had even worst circumstances than I did and she was so joyful. She often say the joy of the Lord was her strength. One night I told God that I wanted to be happy and at peace like Betty was. That was my beginning. I only wish that I had been discipled at that point. But I was fairly isolated and I thought I could do it on my own. I didn't realize that I needed a tool that would lead me into a deeper relationship with God. I stayed a baby Christian and fed on milk long after I should have been eating meat. I just didn't use the tools given to me.

Almost 15 years later I am using those tools. As well as the Holy Spirit guiding and directing me, God's word is a tool. Praise and worship music for me is a tool as is prayer. I am learning to love these tools and use them daily. I am learning to love what's good for me.

Today's Reflection: How simple it is to love what is good for me yet I made it so hard. My stubborn will gets in the way at times. Lord help me crucify my flesh on a daily basis so I can see You and not be distracted by the enemy's schemes. Your word says that whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things (Philippians 4:8 NIV). Help me take captive thoughts that would lead me away from Your love. Help me redefine what I think and what I choose to be a part of. I want to love what's good for me.

Day 50

2009-11-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

Recently I have felt a lot of release from fear, shame and anxiety. I think the anxiety is one of the things I haven't touched on. I can almost remember when it started. Raina was about 7 weeks ago and all the sudden I couldn't nap with her anymore. I remember being anxious that something would happen. The house might burn down or Salem might be awake without me knowing it and hurt herself. I existed on a ridiculous amount of sleep. Even when I could sleep, I seldom did easily or restfully. Anxiety was growing deep within me. I think this sleep deprivation unearthed a secret fear at the lack of control that I had.

I became untethered. I fell asleep in a car wash. I couldn't get work done. I couldn't concentrate. I wasn't spending quality time with my 3 year old. I was just shuffling through my day trying to get the endless things I had to get done completed. I can remember having vivid thoughts and dreams of me and my family being killed in horrific circumstances and thoughts of me leaving my precious girls behind or them leaving me behind. I felt as if death were stalking me. I grew terrified to go anywhere. I worried when Brian wasn't at home. I had always been somewhat of a control freak but it truly grew within me during this time. It was a completely earth shattering time. I wasn't centered at all and I felt hopeless. The earth shattering feelings came about because God wasn't ultimate in my life and because I didn't turn to Him as the author and perfecter of my faith. And the enemy took full advantage of that.

In an effort to survive and make it through this anxious time, I started stuffing away my fears. I soon started turning my emotions off because I felt so out of control when I felt them. Thus, if I couldn't control my circumstances I would control my emotions. Later I realized that this was a reoccurring theme in my life. I have packed away so many fears and emotions over the years that I imploded from the inside out. Now for the first time in my life I am learning to experience and express those emotions and not be afraid of them. I need to acknowledge and even embrace them so I can let them go. That doesn't really sound like it makes sense, but how can you let something go that you never touched? You can't. It just stays around hovering looking for a place to be and take hold. But perhaps if I embrace it, see where it comes from and then let it go it will realize it has no place to be and will stop looking for one.

I am not sure if this is biblical but I don't think it's un-biblical. To me it makes sense. I can't deal with or push away something that I don't acknowledge or embrace. I literally have to look it in the face. Actually, most of the things I am terrified of aren't based in reality, or if they are it's a distorted reality. Thus when I acknowledge and embrace those fears and emotions, then I come to face to face with what it really is and I am no longer afraid for the most part.

The bible says that God didn't give me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV). He gives me the power to meet difficulties and dangers. He gives me a spirit of love to give me peace and carry me through opposition. He slays my fears if I allow Him to.

The importance of this has become hugely apparent as I am working on this same issue with Salem. I repeat this scripture to her daily and I pray it over her as well. She tends to worry and be anxious over many things. It's hard to temper her fears and questions with peace and faith without acknowledging them. I have to let her talk them through, not passively put them away by saying don't worry honey everything will be ok. The latter is like a band-aid on a gaping wound - there is no healing value. It leaves her with more questions but feeling as if it's wrong to ask them.

Instead, I try to engage, listen and let her talk. Sometimes it can go on forever and it's hard not to grow frustrated. But I have to remember she's only 7. So we talk and I try to listen and listen well. She already has 2 Timothy 1:7 memorized so we repeat it and then pray. That helps. She feels safe knowing I will always listen to her and I am continually confirming in her that God is always with her and He is the source of her peace. I think for the most part she just needs to verbalize her fears.

If Salem needs to verbalize those fears, I probably need to as well. Even if they seem absurd. And some of them really do seem ridiculous. Yet how can God comfort me and give me peace if I don't turn to Him? He can't.

Today's Reflection: I long to walk in peace continually and to do that I must not walk in fear. They cannot coexist. Your word says to be bold and be strong for the Lord my God is with me. You are here right beside me - in moments where my anxiety is based in nothingness and in moments when fear is reasonable due to my current reality. Lord I pray that in the moments where my fear is based in nothing that You would show me how to take those thoughts captive. I pray that You would help me process them and see where they are coming from so I can deal with them, but then to rebuke it and get rid of it. Please deliver me from fear. Let it not root back down in my life. And in those times that fearful circumstances are my reality, I pray that You will strengthen me and sustain me with Your peace that passes ALL understanding. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Day 49

2009-11-18T19:15:00.000-08:00

The word clearly says there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1 NIV). We’ve all broken the moral law of God. We are all incapable of keeping it. But Jesus has set me free when He died on the cross for me. This is active not passive. He is actively setting me free from the snares and darkness of this world.

Oh my Lord - you mercy overwhelms me. I run to You - where I belong. This world holds no allure for me. The rose colored glasses are removed and I see who I am without You. That is not someone that I want to be. I am so thankful that you are my Lord and Savior. Everyday I will be thankful and remember that there is now NO condemnation from the past, present or future. Jesus paid my debt in full.

I keep thinking about my friends and family. I have a husband who has an amazing testimony of being released from drug addiction among other things. Its been over 15 years. He readily shares his testimony and God uses it mightily.

Another friend had an abortion as a teenager and went on to share her story with others and now has three beautiful children.

Another friend had an affair, but God restored her marriage after she went to her husband and asked for forgiveness.

I could go on and on. I've been the one to tell others to not walk in shame and to not the enemy destroy their future by keeping them in the past. It was all lip-service as I did hide in shame. The enemy beat me up on a daily basis. Thus rather than deal with the heart of the matter I simply did. I struggled internally but did work for God externally. But there was not a deep abiding relationship with God. Until now. The past really is the past. It's not who I am today and I would wage to say that most people who really know me might be shocked about my past but they wouldn't close the door to me. Because they know me. And because God walks before me. He covers me.

There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. That means ME. No condemnation. NONE. Zilch. Nada. Zip. None.

Today's Reflection: Lord I know that eventually you'll have me share my story. That used to terrify me. I used to literally shake and cry and fight against it. But today I am not scared. Today I am at peace and that fear has been swept away. It lurks trying to trap me but it cannot. You have delivered me. I long to be used by You and to have You glorified in my life. I need Your love more than I need someone else's acceptance. You are my very reason for existing. I am rooted in Your love and mercy and in Your mercy I find rest. I will walk in truth. I will not be afraid. Your truth will be a banner before me. Thank you Lord.

Day 48

2009-11-17T20:17:00.000-08:00

Boundaries are very hard for me. I either have none at all or I throw up walls. Sigh. Neither is healthy. I really have to work EVERY single day at reaching out to people, even the important people in my life and doing so continually. I tend to want to give up or give in. Both are the unhealthy polar opposites of what healthy boundaries mean. .

So I've been trying to figure out why I tend to throw up walls. And when I start trying to figure things out I turn to God and His word to see what He says. To be honest I really haven't found a lot yet. I am sure there is something there but I am a layman not a biblical scholar. Thus I have to spend more time figuring this out. The only thing I can find thus far is that biblically speaking I know that we are not to be unequally yoked. Previously I've always seen this in the context of a Christian marrying/dating a non Christian. But what about friendships and familial relationships? Can that apply somehow? I am still seeking but this is where my thoughts are at right. Thankfully my walk with the Lord is a continual learning process. I pray daily that if I don't understand something or if I understand something incorrectly that God will show me His truth.

So back to boundaries...in an effort to maintain healthy boundaries at times I go to far. I do reach out. I've really stepped outside my comfort zone since early summer and have been reaching out to people that previously I would never have shared my life with. Women friends especially. And some of these relationships have been to develop beautiful. Yet sometimes, when things get uncomfortable or I feel unsafe, it is still fairly easy to throw a wall up. I literally know when it happens usually. I don't like it. I do this in unsafe situations but I also tend to do it when I am probably not in an unsafe situation. That's where fear comes in.

So how do I find that delicate balance? I think it relates to the idea of being in the world not of it. Basically being counter culture yet not anti culture. In my effort to be a light in the world I am IN the world. I have to be in the world, how else could I minister and reach the loss? I cannot isolate myself from the world or relationships at large and expect for God to use me. That simply doesn't make sense. One of the keys for me is to not allow the darkness of this world to cloud my vision. In some ways I have to tunnel my vision, narrow my focus, and not be sidetracked by all the "stuff". By being counter culture as opposed to being anti culture that means having a judgmental heart. The word says, "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." (Romans 15:7 NIV). It's such a fine line. I am definitely not balanced and I fall right off some days but the good news is I now know that line is there.

When I apply the idea of being counter culture as opposed to anti culture to my relationships I find that for me that means healthy boundaries are necessary or I will get sucked back in and lose all the ground I've attained. There are times when you have to sever unsafe relationships. But for the relationships I am working through healthy boundaries are more appropriate.

Without healthy boundaries depression, co-dependency, anxiety, and other side effects crop up and tend to rule my life. Enforcing personal boundaries is self protective and healthy yet it keeps the lines of communication open. It's healthy. It's helpful. It's not hopeless.

But the person on the other side of the boundary may not find it so healthy or helpful or hopeful. Often they feel attacked, shut down or shut out. At times. that is a perfect ministry opportunity. Yet for the most part that's when I tend to put up my wall. If they challenge it, or try to force me to do something I cannot do or simply don't "get it" then my tendency is to shut down. But I don't want to shut down. I need to experience these emotions and deal with them healthily rather than running from them. And by imposing a healthy boundary yet still engaging in a healthy dialog and relationship I am accepting them the way God accepted me. That's what I am called to do. Pulling back and maintaining healthy boundaries doesn't mean pulling back and shutting down. I've lived in that isolation a long time. It's lonely and for me it bred fear and anxiety. I don't want to live that way anymore.

I want to quickly clarify that we need boundaries in all our relationships - not just the ones that seem obviously unhealthy or unsafe. I need healthy boundaries with my spouse, my children, my friends and my family. They help keep me focused on God so He can be ultimate in my life, as opposed to everyone else and their needs being ultimate.

I don't think I ever had healthy boundaries before starting this journey to wholeness. Actually it was this time last year, the week before Thanksgiving, that I started therapy with T. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Yet it's been the most healing thing God has ever used in my life. Part of that process has been finding myself - finding Leah. I literally had no idea as to who I was. I tried to be all things to all people. I literally did it all. I took care of everyone except for myself and that became destructive. That made everyone else ultimate in my life. If everyone else is ultimate where does that leave God? To be brutally honest, he basically fell off the list.

I started developing a healthy sense of self by establishing boundaries and by taking care of myself and spending time with God. It doesn't mean I don't fulfill my responsibilities as a wife and mother or the many other roles I am called to. It simply means I don't fulfill all of those roles at the expense of my spiritual, physical and emotional wholeness or at the expense of God being ultimate in my life.

Boundaries define me from the other people in my life. I am not lost in them or their struggles or their successes. Setting clear and healthy boundaries starts young thus I have a huge learning curve. Thus the reason I tend to throw up walls where boundaries should be. I am unlearning this behavior - I just find the process slower than I want it to be. It's still somewhat unnatural as well. The good thing is I have greatly improved. I tend to talk about my feelings more without expectation. I say no when I need to say no without feeling guilty and I say yes when I need to say yes without feeling forced.

But now that I've experienced what healthy boundaries are like I want more. I want to flow in the knowledge that I can be all that I am called to be without sacrificing my sense of self or my spiritual, emotional and physical well-being. If I focus on God and taking care of myself - I am so much more able to be all that I am called to be.

It's so simple yet I make it SO hard.

Today's Reflection: Boundaries are hard for me God. Help me see when I am throwing up walls. Quicken my spirit to be sensitive and accepting without being emotional emeshed in another person's issues. Help me help others without it leeching my emotional and spiritual wholeness. I long to be reachable. I want to be someone who is not afraid. I want to be able to share how I feel without guilt or anger over taking me. I want to be accepting of others, even those that have hurt me, the way You have accepted me. Perhaps a part of the problem with me throwing up walls has to do with forgiveness. Help me walk in forgiveness daily. Lord I cannot do this without you. In my own strength I am a pitiful mess. In You I can do ALL things because You strengthen me.

Day 47

2009-11-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

At times I feel as if my emotions are all over the place. This past weekend I felt devastated by the harshness of some of the things in my life. Yet God revealed to me I am not hopeless - I am not alone. I am blessed.

In the New International Version, Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I know the plans I have for declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." In the KJV those words are: "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

Thoughts of peace - an inward peace where I am not anxious about anything. The peace of God that truly transcends all understanding and guards my heart.

Philippians 4:8-9 says: Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

If I dwell on things that are are worthy - peace will reign in my life. When I give in to the cares of this world and worry about the things that I cannot change, anxiety will reign. My emotions are all over the place because I am not fully living in this word.

So that is where my struggle is. How do I walk in this word? It literally takes practice. When I find myself worrying or imagining awful things happening, I have to take those thoughts captive. I need to recognize where they come from and deal with it but I cannot let it reign in me. I cannot let those anxious, fearful thoughts feed me spiritually. I have to hope. I have to believe. If I hope and believe on the beautiful things that God has told me to concentrate on, I am liberated into the fullness of God. Once I've experienced that liberation, I experience the Glory of God.

I see the Glory of God as a covering. It protects my mind and my heart and my soul. The Glory of God is like healing oil that repairs my brokenness. The Glory of God is a literal shelter, my hiding place. Living in the Glory of God allows God to be everything He needs to be in my life. My relationships on this earth are important but my relationship with Him is ultimate. As He becomes ultimate, the joy of the Lord fills me regardless of my circumstance and that joy becomes my strength. When my joy becomes rooted in the glory of God I cannot be shaken. Life may be hard, tragic things may happen, but my joy is complete and that promise is eternal.

In the NIV, Nehemiah 8:10 says, "the joy of the lord is your strength". I've always concentrated on this. I've prayed it. But I missed what was RIGHT before it. It says, do not grieve for the joy of the lord is your strength.

Basically at this time the people were grieving because they were wounded with the words of the law. When they heard the law they understood their sinfulness. They wept to think that they had offended God and sinned against Him. They wept over their guilt. They were then healed and comforted with words of peace. It was well that they were affected by the word of God but if they yielded completely to their mourning it would consume them. Sorrow for sin must not hinder our joy in God. Instead they should put on the garments of praise instead of the spirit of heaviness.

In Isaiah 61:3 it says, "that for all those who mourn in Zion, they will be given beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."

Joy is SO much more than we realize. And so much more than I can talk about here, even more than I understand. We shouldn't be joyful out of performance or duty. It needs to truly abide within us. The joy of the Lord will rise and grow within us and arm us against the enemy. We take away the enemy's power when we let joy rule our life. In joy we are able to carry out the Great Commission. We are able to minister and comfort and help those who feel helpless.

Today's Reflection: Out of the brokenness of my life I pray that you replace beauty for ashes. I give thanks through my brokenness I was led to you. I give thanks that you delivered me out of sin and out of harms way. I thank you Lord that my time of mourning has passed and that you have filled me with joy. That it will fill me soul and spill over affecting those around me and that it will protect me against the enemy. Because of Your great love, I am healed. I am like a broken pitcher dropped on the floor in a hundred pieces. You took each piece and put me back together. I was shattered and anyone else would have swept the broken pieces away. But you saw beauty. You saw how I could be put back together and used. I can still see the cracks from the broken pieces but regardless of the scars I am usable. I am made beautiful and purposeful. I am beyond humbled to experience Your love and Your saving grace. A mere thank you is not enough. My life is yours.

Days 44, 45 & 46

2009-11-17T08:58:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt hopeless? I have. It was completely consuming, overwhelming and exhausting. I could see myself or someone else or even a relationship falling apart or imploding and there was literally nothing I could do to salvage the situation. Hopeless means without hope - therefore there is no possibility of comfort of success. I have felt that lack of comfort. I have felt ill at ease with the world in general and with those in my life and had zero hope that things would ever get better.

This weekend I started to feel hopeless. And I quickly felt God tell me that I am not without hope. That my hope is within Him. That is the difference between now and then. I realized that while I am still experiencing things that I cannot fix - I am helpless not hopeless. There is a HUGE difference between helplessness and hopelessness. When I realized the difference I was amazed and my faith flourished. When a situation is hopeless it doomed to fail. There is no hope for help to come. Helpless basically means to be incapacitated. To me helpless infers that I can't do anything but help can come. The word even says help will come. My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. (Psalms 121:2 NIV)

But what about hope? Without hope life seems empty. How do you turn away from hopelessness? It's not something something tangible we can reach for. At some point - we just have to believe that something positive will happen. I believe in God and I believe that true hope leads to God but even if you can't believe in God yet - find something to hope for. Hopefulness feeds our faith. The bible says, "...faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1 KJV)

In this scripture, faith is defined as trust, firm persuasion, belief, confidence or conviction. The word substance means assurance which literally means a standing under, support. Thus faith, in relation to hope, is assurance. It stands under and supports our hope. Thus, my hope is only as secure as my faith is strong.

Faith is the principle by which I live. My faith is secure in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I BELIEVE. When I believed and hoped in nothing else I found hope that in Christ's sacrifice. That simple knowledge carried me for years even though my faith didn't seem to grow. But as I spend time with God and pray and study, my faith now abounds. If my faith is secure in Jesus, then it lends to the development of hope that things will get better. As you get closer to God your faith builds - thus your hope builds. As you hope for a better life, better circumstances and for answers to prayer - your faith builds. I know mine has. Faith and hope have a symbiotic relationship.

In the past I have felt hopeless and that fed dissatisfaction and a lack of faith in my life. Today, I still cannot see the answers to the complicated issues I am dealing with but I see and feel God at work. Yes, I do feel helpless. But my faith in God assures me that as I trust in Him and stand on His word, He is there to guide and lead me through and that builds my faith in the things I cannot see but are yet to come.

Today's Reflections: Lord it was a hard weekend. I was angry, I cried, I even felt completely alone. I felt separated and set apart from those I love because of things I cannot explain on this blog. But in the midst of that loneliness You were there. You nourished me with Your love. You comforted me in Your sweet embrace. Thank You Abba Father for Your complete love. I only endure because of You. I only believe in You. Even when the world doesn't make sense, You do. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and revealing Yourself to me. I never want to grow accustomed to the darkness again. Thank You for giving me hope in the things to come.

Slight Update

2009-11-16T21:41:00.002-08:00

I had a very hard and tiring weekend and was in Lubbock today to see my therapist. I just got home. God has ministered a lot to me the past few days and I have a lot to journal about but will do so Tuesday morning. I am so tired.

Day 43

2009-11-12T19:52:00.000-08:00

It's fairly easy to get sucked in by false teachings. Over the years I've seen and heard some pretty odd things preached in the name of Jesus. But more than the obvious oddities that clearly do not line up with the word of God are the subtleties. The things harder to catch that we take as gospel.

Growing up in church I was never really taught to search out God's word on my own. It was kind of unspoken that you just took what the preacher said to heart. Even as a young adult in the late eighties that would have been hard for a layman to do. Today its much easier. Anyone can go to Crosswalk.com or other Bible Study Tool websites and search Hebrew and Greek meanings and read commentaries and word studies. But with knowledge and ability comes accountability. Sometimes I am not sure I want that accountability. But its a part of my commission as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I can't take the responsibility of teaching and leading others without accepting the responsibility of knowing the Word of God. We do hear what the preacher says and its easy to believe. They are the preacher after all. They usually do have some sort of seminary training. But for the most part, I believe we are responsible for the Word being truth in our life. Ignorance is not an excuse. If we believe something that was erroneously taught to us - we are still at fault. We are the ones we believed.

I heard a Matt Chandler sermon today on Luke Chapter 17 that deals with this subject. He says men and women who are false teachers have a lot in common:

1. They are always articulate and intelligent and at some level charismatic. Morons don’t lead people astray. (Gotta love how Matt tells it like it is).
2. They start out orthodox and have some semblance of success in ministry.
3. They usually proclaim that they are faithful to the scriptures.
4. There is a lot of ambiguity in their teaching. They ask questions rather than directly teaching. They don’t outright lie – but they don’t tell the complete truth.
5. They speak the language of love, peace and unity and anyone that says what they are teaching is false is considered to be attacking the love, peace and unity of the church. They are usually morally upright and giving. And it’s fine to preach love, peace and unity as long as it lines up with the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
6. There is almost always money and power to be gained in what they are teaching.
7. They do it stealthily and it can be very minor at times. That’s how they distract and deceive us.

I personally think some teachers are just mean well but are deceived thus they perpetuate a false teaching. I do believe there is grace and mercy, but as I said before I do not believe that ignorance is an excuse for perpetuating false teaching. I know in my zeal as a new believer, I tended to believe whatever I was told. It didn't take long before I started questioning some of the things I had heard or read. And always know - questioning is good. A person isn't infallible just because they are a successful preacher, teacher or acclaimed author. The Holy Spirit began quickening my spirit when I would heard something that didn't line up with the word of God. Back then I just didn't know what to do with that discernment.

The word says to pay attention to yourselves – there are false teachers out there. I certainly don't want to become a false teacher, even inadvertently. But how do we pay attention to ourselves? I think the key is the word of God. We have to know what the Gospel of Jesus Christ is and what it's not. And we know this by delving in and digging deep into the word of God.

Wow how intimidating. In 2 Peter 3:15-18 it says some things in scripture are hard to understand and the ignorant and unstable distort it as they do other scriptures. I find it strangely comforting that in the word it says - it says the word is hard to understand. It makes me feel less intimated. But a warning follows that says those that distort it do so at there own destruction.

If I let myself get anxious that's where the intimidation surfaces. I am not the next Beth Moore or Margaret Feinberg. Their love for and knowledge of the scriptures astound me. But it's overwhelming. So rather than striving to be like Beth or Margaret or a mentor or a friend, I am trying to be Leah. Just Leah. And I am beginning to like and feel comfortable with who I am and who I am becoming. And the ironic part is, by becoming comfortable in who I am, I give into my gifts and do not hold back. I may not be called to become a biblical scholar, but I am confident that God will lead and direct me to the truth through His word.

When I first started this journey of solitude I was unsure how it would play out. I knew at some point I'd be sharing my complete testimony. But the day to day aspect of prayer and worship and study seemed daunting. I had a wide variety of teachings and bible studies to choose from but felt let to start with Matt Chandler and the book of Luke. I felt like I needed to start fresh from a gospel and this seemed like the perfect starting place. How often can you get a great preacher on podcast going over an entire book of the new testament? It's been great discipleship for me. It's far easier than doing it on my own. Matt doesn't know it but he's been my own personal biblical interpreter lately. Don't get me wrong - he's just a man and not infallible. But if he says something I am unsure about, I pause iTunes, click on over to Crosswalk and figure it out for myself. Its not as hard as I thought it would be. I was making it way more complicated than it was.

The word of God isn't meant to intimidate. It's meant to illuminate our entire being. I am edified in the knowledge that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). I may not be called to be a theologian but Jesus gives me the strength to search out and fall in love with the Word of God. It took a simple step of faith.

If I am called to minister to others, which I believe I am, then I have the responsibility to know the word of God. Rather than living intimidated I want to live illuminated. And to do that I have to be challenged and encouraged. I cna do this. God in me can do this. At times I might be overwhelmed and humbled but not intimidated. Never again will I allow intimidation and feelings of inadequacy to separate me from what God is calling me to do. Intimidation is a deceitful trick from the enemy. I rebuke it.

Today's Reflection: Lord You truly amaze me. Your grace and mercy astound me. Thank you Lord for calling me. You do not call the equipped but you equipped the called. You are not concerned with what I think my limitations are. You have called me thus you will equip me. Thank You for keeping my eyes focused on You. Thank You for softening my heart and turning me towards You. As I turn away from my family being ultimate in my life, paradoxically I become a better wife, mother, daughter and sister. As I seek You through prayer and worship and Your word, You presence envelopes me and heals me. Thank You for never letting go of me.

Day 42

2009-11-11T18:25:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how God is using my young children to minister His truths to me. My 4 year old Raina has had a limited vocabulary due to speech issues related to Pervasive Development. Since June her speech has literally exploded and she went from simple 2 and 3 word phrases to being able to look at us (for the most part) and hold conversations with us. It's been amazing to watch her blossom.

Today we were leaving school and I can't remember what brought this up, but she told me she liked me. I said I like you too baby but to be honest I didn't really think much past that moment. Tonight at bedtime she was having a huge meltdown. She was very tired and had been moody all day. So I was in the bedroom with her, cuddling and loving on her and I said, "Night Night Honey". She grabbed hold of me and said, "But I like you mommy, don't go." My heart melted and I said, "I like you too Raina," and of course I stayed with her.

Since she's been asleep that phrase has been turning over in my head constantly. I like you mommy! How adorable. But how uncommon for a 4 year old to say. I remember longing to hear her say I love you. I seemed like it took forever for her to even sign the words but she did and then started saying I love you in early Spring. She's very affection with me and says it countless times. I love hearing those sweet words and I am quick to respond and offer the words before she tells me. The I like you is new. And I wonder if she knows there is a difference?

One of the Greek words for love is phileo and means brotherly love. To me this implies something different than the agape love - the God kind of love. Phileo love implies affection and attachment - liking someone. We are commanded to love people as we love ourselves. To love and see people the way God sees them. I am told to agape love my enemies. But even though I love my enemies and turn the other cheek - I usually do not have a relationship with them. When I think of cultivating relationships - I think of phileo love.

I think the epiphany is I want to be likable. And in that moment when she said, "I like you mommy," I felt validated as a mommy and as a person. I think a part of my troubled past is that I was a people-people, often willing to do whatever necessary to ensure love. Yet it so often back fired on me that I turned the opposite direction. I think I thought it didn't matter if I was liked. That perhaps it was a vain desire to want to be likable.

I know there is a fine line wanting to be likable and needing to be likable and becoming a people-pleaser. But I have to admit it. I want to be liked. I definitely want to be loved by my husband and children and family and friends. But being liked seems so much more intimate. Love at times is dutiful especially when, for example, we are acting in obedience and loving our enemy. Liking someone feels natural. You either do or don't. Being liked seems to say that people see the "real" me.

I want relationships like John and Jesus, Ruth and Naomi, Jonathan and David. They had close-knit relationships that spoke more of phileo love. Agape love is naturally a part of that, because how can we truly love outside of God. But phileo love adds an entirely different dimension to a relationship.

Wanting to be liked means I want to find favor with God and with mankind. I want God's love but I want Him to like me as well. I want that deep abiding relationship with God that certainly speaks of lordship, but I want it to encompass something more. Something deeper. He will be Lord of my life. But if that relationship transcends into everything I need - friendship is a part of that. Thus likability is a part of that.

In the past few months, God has put several women in my life that I am trying to build relationships with. At times I still feel fairly unlikable. Yet I am starved for deep relationships. But rather than being unlikable I wonder if it's because I seem unreachable. I do tend to put up walls and not let people in. What irony. But I am working on tearing the walls down and developing those relationships.

I pray that I am not seen as a people-pleaser. I think they must end up with superficial relationships. When you are a people-pleaser there is no depth to your relationships because people don't know who you really are. And if they don't know who you are - how can phileo love develop?

I want to be seen as kind-hearted and compassionate as well as sincere and trustworthy. That's where the phileo love comes in. It digs beneath the surface of our hearts and shows who we really are. God commands me to love (agape). But I think phileo love stands together with agape love and together they enable me to develop that likability that will in turn help me develop the close relationships I need in my life.

Today's Reflection: Lord I pray kindness and truth never leave me. That I will bind them around my neck and write them on the tablet of my heart. Only then will I find favor with you and mankind. (Proverbs 3:3-4). I pray that people will see You in me. I want to have close friends that I can be completely me with. Sisters in Christ that I can laugh with...cry with. That we can "do life" together. I pray that You give me the strength to reach out to people in faith, tearing the walls in my life down.

Day 41

2009-11-11T12:20:00.001-08:00

I had a wonderful day or praise and Bible study, but then things grew sad and complicated and even hurtful. Among other things I really miss Nannie. She is celebrating her 83rd birthday in heaven. She's been with Jesus just a little over a month. And while I am VERY thankful she's with Jesus and no longer in pain, I do miss her.

For now I think I am going to bed and pray as I sleep. I will be back Wednesday night and will post more about Day 41. (Note: I decided not to edit the actual details of the day but added the reflection).

Today's Reflection: Lord I am still trying to figure out my complicated and tiring Tuesday. It started off so beautiful with amazing praise and worship and bible study. As the day carried on I felt more tired and over-whelmed by my to do list. I had to put away my bible study and get to work. I wanted to stay in that moment with you. Then I realized it was Nannie's birthday and I started missing her. Then the day progressed and grew complicated and hurtful and I just didn't know how to get back to where I was with you during the morning.

Instead of trying to figure it all out, help me let go and turn it over to You. Help me see You in those moments. You are right there with me, even in the saddest and most frustrating moments. You will carry me through. Please help me let go. Please guide me through it, so I won't get stuck and stagnant in my grief, sadness or pain. I often tell Salem she's not having a bad day but a bad moment. Remind me to speak those words to myself. You are my abiding joy! My joy is not based on circumstances. I can't always change the circumstances, but I can change my reaction to them.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Day 40

2009-11-09T19:40:00.000-08:00

I am a fairly passionate person. Those those know me might say I am an advocate for those in need or for children or for young moms. Outside of being passionate for my family, I am passionate about car seat safety, Noonan Syndrome Awareness, Pervasive Development, MOPS, etc. The list could go on and on. I tend to go overboard and indulge my love for research when I become passionate about something. I could literally spend hours reading articles that help me define what I may or may not believe about something I am so passionate about. I can easily spend hours passionately researching whatever has piqued my interest.

I want that passion to transcend into and couple with my relationship with God. I want to develop a passionate to study God, explore His word and have Him be ultimate in my life. Then it comes time to passionately explore and develop my relationship with God.

I wonder everyday why certain things pique my interest yet some days I have to force myself to relax and rest in the presence of God. Today was one of those days. Just a few moments ago, I was sitting here wondering what I had learned today when a song by Delirious called My Soul Sings shuffled onto my iTunes playlist. It's a beautiful praise and worship song that I've always loved. As I sat here and listened and sang outloud with Delirious I felt the rush of the Holy Spirit flood my body. It hastened me to remember a beautiful experience I had yesterday at church.

I remember hearing the familiar melody start yesterday as our praise band began playing the same song. I remember closing my eyes and giving myself over to the Holy Spirit as I wantonly praised God. I literally felt the rush of the Holy Spirit flood over me as I started singing. I felt tears stream down my cheeks as I lifted my hands high. There is nothing else to say except that I felt God passionately and completely in that moment. I long to feel that everyday all day.

Some might think it's naive to believe it's possible to feel this way at all times. But I want that naivety as I journey with God. I have spent enough years without feeling His presence and living in the world's version of reality as opposed to living in the presence of God. I want to feel God's presence as I clean my house, run errands and work out. I want to passionately be led my God in all aspects of my life. I want to feel God COMPLETELY everyday. I don't think that's naive at all. I think God wants me to want that. Why else would He start me on this journey of solitude so I could find Him?

Why have I resisted giving myself passionately and completely over to God in the past? To be honest I am not sure. It was part fear, part shame, part pride. But as I sit here right now, I wonder how I could have resisted someone who loves me so completely. When I give into that love rather than trying to intellectually understand it, I am drawn inexplicably to God's embrace. It's not a theological pursuit or an academic exercise. It becomes a relationship.

God loves me so passionately that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for me. How can I push away that gift? How can I resist that love?

God created me with an intense capacity to feel. As I let God have His way with me those emotions will erupt. As they spill over, passion is born. God created me for this life and for His purpose. How can I resist someone who loves me so passionately?

I am finally realizing I can be myself with God. He knows all the dirty details of my life and loves me in spite of my past sin and my own feelings of inadequacy. His grace covers me. I finally realize that I can be myself with God - completely authentic and transparent. If I share everything in my life with God, we will truly become inseparable. As we become inseparable, passion will continue to erupt and overflow in my life and never lose its volcanic burn. How can I resist a God that loves me so passionately and unconditionally?

Today's Reflection: How foolish I've been to resist you. In a mere 40 days I feel closer to you than I have in the 14 years since I asked Jesus into my heart. I am alive in You. I am revived in You. I want the world to know I burn for You.

Days 38 & 39

2009-11-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

I've seldom heard sermons or read books extolling the benefits of rest and keeping a Sabbath. I think many Christians see it as a unnecessary, unproductive and an outdated practice. Perhaps they see it as a religious law without any new testament value. Regardless of why, I think few Christians experience Sabbath and I am beginning to see it as necessary to our holistic wellness in our Christian walk.

Most of our lives are completely full. I know mine is even with trying to downsize outside commitments. I have a husband who is an associate pastor and we own a successful business that keeps us both busy. Our little girls are 4 and 7 and have school, occupational therapy, speech therapy, riding therapy and Salem has violin and occasionally girl scouts. We have a dog named Nina and a house to care for and the list could go on an on. And that's after I downsized our commitments.

This time last year we literally ran from therapy appointment to therapy appointment after school 4 days one week and 5 days the alternating week. That was all combined with a busy business and I was the coordinator of a large MOPS group. It was too much. This year it's much more relaxed. Busy but more relaxed.

Before this weekend I had only vaguely considered the possibility of needing to observe a Sabbath. Deuteronomy 5:12 says to observe the Sabbath and keep it holy. Yet it seems SO hard to fulfill this in our busy lives or to completely understand it's importance. We are tied to the busyness of our lives by the technology that should make our lives easier. We have one more email or text to answer, one more phone call return, or we live on social sites such as Facebook. None of these things in and of themselves is wrong or devastating. But they can be when they rule our lives.

Some might contend that observing the Sabbath was a religious law and isn't necessary for the Christians of today. I'd have to agree with the first part of that. The bondage to that law passed away when Jesus died on the cross for our sins. But the healing and restoration that is the result of observing a Sabbath is still valid. Amazing even. We may not follow the literal law of the Old Testament but the healing effects of observing a Sabbath rest remain.

Hebrews 4:9 says: There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God.

God rested, Jesus rested, why should we not rest? I am not saying we should religiously or legalistically observe a Sabbath. I don't think it needs to be a specific day or that we shouldn't care for our families or help those in need on our Sabbath. It's more about slowing down, embracing rest and narrowing our focus.

I recently read somewhere that most Christians have a hard time focusing on observing a Sabbath day and perhaps they could seek Sabbath moments instead. Even a moment has the potential to remind us and restore to us our true identity in Christ which is not given to us by our daily work, but by the fact that we are children of the living God.

Sabbath moments - intriguing. I actually like the idea and to a degree I think that's what is happening to me on this journey of solitude. But I also believe I need a literal rest. What about you?

Today's Reflection: Thank you Lord for bringing me to Sabbath today. I found such comfort in rest today. While I didn't sleep I did relax. My mind felt freed from the responsibilities on my to do list. When I think back - there was nothing that couldn't wait. I do need Sabbath moments to deliver me from toxic moments that busyness brings me to each day, but I think I need a Sabbath rest to find restoration from the busyness of this world. Help me teach my children the importance of rest and downtime and to see You at work in it all. Today You taught me how simple and easy it was to lie down on the couch and rest while the girls and Brian were outside. It was so simple. It felt so right and I felt so refreshed and refueled and ready to do what I had to do when I got up even though I had felt sick most of the day. Thank You Lord for bathing me in Your sweet presence today. I am honored to feel Your presence and Your love at work in my life.

Day 37

2009-11-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

I am almost finished reading Scouting the Divine by Margaret Feinberg. It's been very thought provoking and refreshing as well. I plan to review this book completely in the next week or so because it has so complimented this journey God has me on. I am looking forward to that.

For now I want to concentrate on rest. In one section of her book, Margaret is talking to a vintner. They were discussing the many passages in the bible that discussed vintners and vineyards. One in Exodus basically commanded that every seventh year the land should rest and lie fallow (Exodus 23:11). This is probably hard to do from a vintner's perspective as it takes many years to make a bottle of wine and to see a profit. But the land needs the rest. The vines are literally removing nutrients from the soil and if you give the soil a rest is replenishes itself.

The vintner said: "The downtime allows for the soil of the vineyard to regain the nitrogen it needs to produce a delicious harvest. The trick is maintaining a balance of fertility in the vines. Overly stressed vines will struggle and produce fruit of lower quality. Excessively happy vines will be too prolific and create thin, uninspired wines."

Just as land needs a sabbath we do too. It's a biblical principal. Yet how many times do we work work work - do do do - then Sunday comes around we go to church, go to lunch, help the kids with their homework, etc. Where is the rest? How do we replenish our bodies?

When was the last time you napped on a Sunday afternoon? I used to nap. I can remember when I stopped. Raina was about 7 weeks old and I was struggling to nurse and sleep and care for a newborn and an almost 3 year old who wasn't on the same sleep schedule. My body was forced to require less and less sleep and I eventually gave in to that and never really replenished my body even when I eventually could. I became used to living on less rest. Soon there after we had adopted hectic therapy schedules and that was the story of our lives.

I don't regret caring for my girls and their needs. But I needed rest. Just as my spirit needed solitude with God, my body needed literal rest. I remember at a certain point I began surviving life rather than experiencing life. That is not God's plan.

Margaret says: "Life without the gift of rest is merely existing without being able to enjoy the bouquet of all we have been given."

How do you rest? I'll share more on that on the weekend post.

Today's Reflection: Rest seems so elusive at times and definitely minor when compared to my mounting to do list. It's as if the cares of this world begin to weigh us down but if walked in your rest your burden is easy and your yoke is light. Your rest replenishes my body and my soul enabling me to quieten my mind and hear you. Lord I pray for your abundant rest in my life. I pray that as You continue to guide me, that You will help me find physical and spiritual rest in balance with the things I must do.

Day 36

2009-11-06T05:08:00.000-08:00

Rest...my thoughts are with God and praying but my body is tired so I went so sleep early for me, 10 pm. Typically I write this blog in the evening so I can reflect on my day and what the Lord has shown me. Last night I needed rest. I tend to push against rest and stay up as long as I can getting stuff done and relaxing. I've always been a night owl and was able to come home and nap if I didn't get enough sleep the night before. But somehow after Raina was born naps became really hard for me. Sometimes I do unwind and still nap but not often.

I really need to work on finding physical rest right now. My soul is finding rest in God but my body needs literal, physical rest. Rest replenishes my body and refuels my soul.

Today's Reflection: Thank You Lord for letting me know when I need rest. Help me remember to replenish my physical and emotional strength by getting enough sleep. It was wonderful to go to bed last night and wake up after 7 1/2 hours of sleep rather than the average 6. Help me do this more often.

Day 35

2009-11-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I really put myself out there and reached out to a group of women in search of a mentor type friend. Someone that I could share my heart with and really be transparent with. Today I had lunch with one of these women today and it really blessed my spirit. It seemed so natural. We just talked and related and affirmed each other. I was able to share with her about my rock bottom experience last fall. It was very refreshing for me to be able to be so straightforward about the past and about current issues I am dealing with. That lunch was a a true blessing to me.

As I later reflected on our conversation, I began thinking of what I am passionate about. I am passionate about being a Godly wife and mother. Outside of that I'm just not sure. I have decided I enjoy writing again. But more than anything else I realize I'm just really getting comfortable with who I am and who I am called to be for the first time in my life. Somehow I'd like to translate that into ministry.

I told my lunch date that I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do except that I knew I wanted to help women not get lost and to reclaim their identities. I became a Christian in 1995 yet I never really saw myself the way Christ saw me. Thus I lived in shame and fear. That coupled with some life altering events and the next thing I know it's 2008 and I have no clue to who I am. I felt like a lost soul with not much of an identity.

I see other women and I wonder if any of those ladies are like me. Are they just going through the motions and doing what they have to do to make it through the day? Are they missing out on something special because they've lost their identity in the day to day busyness of life?

I used to be VERY equipped at doing everything I was asked. I seldom said no and I pretty much got it all done. But what few people saw behind the scenes was how tired and mentally taxed I became or how late I stayed up every night to get the bare minimum done around my house or how often projects kept me so busy that I couldn't take 10 minutes here and there to spend time with my girls. I was every one's go to person. I handled everyone else's problems but completely ignored my own self care. I was snappy and easily frustrated at the very least.

That was just a year ago. I look back at that time and it seems so long ago. I am so very different from the Leah that existed last year. I am happier, healthier, spiritually more developed and a better wife and mother. But I had to love and take care of myself and let God work in me to heal me to become the Leah I am today. I definitely have not arrived but the Leah I was last year is almost gone. In her place is a women who seeks God and takes care of herself so she can better minister to her family and friends and anyone God sends her way.

If I were to set one goal it would be to develop a minister that would help women identify with who God wants them to be. I would want to help them escape the Wonder Woman mentality. I think as Christian women we think we have to be Wonder Woman to fulfill Proverbs 31. But now I wonder what we're missing. Because in the new testament God says everything is permissible but not beneficial. I think the Proverbs 31 woman deserves further exploration which I plan to start soon.

Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying. God does mean for us to be productive. But do we have to say yes to everything to be Godly women? What things do I say yes to that are wonderful volunteer opportunities or projects but take time away from me and my family as well as my time with God?

Just tonight I felt God gently tap me on the shoulder and say, "What else can you ease back on in your life?" I knew what He was leading me to stepping down from. And this one thing is certainly productive. I feel so good when I do it. But it does make the rest of my day crazy.

So I did what I felt God telling me to do and reached out and said I needed to rework some things in my schedule. I explained that I was just doing too much on this day. It was hard for me to be so honest. My first instinct was to question what the person receiving my words would think about me. I questioned that she could understand what I was going through as she's SO together. But the spirit of God was stronger than my what ifs and He calmed my anxiety. I obeyed and she responded favorably. You can imagine my big sigh of relief.

What are some things you can pull back from? I would love to hear your thoughts on how you can ease the busyness in your own life, seek God and identify with who He has called you to be.

Today's Reflection: Lord as I continue on this journey, I realize it's much more complex than I ever realized it would be. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and my heart to the reality of how busy I was. The busyness was eating away at my soul. It makes me remember when I heard John Ortberg say, "ruthlessly eliminate busyness from your life". That was at MOPS Convention in 2007. Two years ago You started trying to get through to me but I couldn't hear You through the day to day busyness that consumed my life. Thank you Lord for slowing me down and for hearing my heart cry out when I couldn't hear it myself.

Day 34

2009-11-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

I was challenged today to think of what spiritual disciplines come easy for me and what do I struggle with the most. There are a lot of spiritual disciplines such as scripture memorization, fasting, prayer, bible study, journaling, etc.

Of the ideas mentioned, I think I do well with prayer and journaling. I talk to God a lot throughout the day and pretty much about anything. I try to bless God with my words but I also want to be authentic. If I voice my true feelings it breeds life within me even if it's about my life's struggles or my saddest moments. If I try to pretend how I feel and not voice those thoughts and emotions it tends to breed dissatisfaction down deep within.

With journaling, I finally got my mojo back. I used to write a lot. I wrote details about life, poetry, songs, etc. My heart literally cried out on paper. Then life became survival and I lost the ability to process my deepest thoughts on paper (long before my computer came along). I no longer felt the relief of emptying my heart on paper. I remembering seldom even proofreading what I wrote. I just wrote.

And I try to keep that through process intact here on this blog. I do proofread and spell check. I can clean it up grammatically and check my spelling, but I want my first words to be my last words. I seldom take more than 20 minutes to write this blog. I don't want it to consume me. I want it to be a natural outpouring of my soul

Scripture memorization comes harder for me. As anal as I am you'd think it would be easier. I have an attention for detail. I remember entire conversations, much to my husband's utter frustration. Yet I struggle with remembering where scriptures are. Crosswalk.com and the Bible installed on my iPhone are my trusted companions. If I quote a scripture and someone asks me where that is - I can look it up quickly. I justify that at least I know enough to know the general thought of the scripture but really I am not satisfied with that.

I also struggle with bible study. I guess really they go hand in hand. I go through periods where I devour Beth Moore studies on my own and listen to a ton of sermons but then I ebb and flow and struggle to get something in. I do read a lot of books by Christian authors that I definitely believe develop my faith. But why do I find it so hard to literally open my bible and start reading?

I want to be in LOVE with scripture. I see Beth Moore and Margaret Feinberg on a video and their love for God's word is evident on their faces. They are in LOVE with God's word. Or I listen to a podcast by Matt Chandler and Erwin McManus and I hear the love of scripture in their voices.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't want to be Matt or Erwin or Beth or Margaret. But I want to experience love for the word of God that they have. I want to soak in scripture - to find my place in the word. I truly believe the word of God changes our lives. I've seen it at work. It's living and breathing - completely viable on it's own. Yet I struggle with it. Sigh.

I will still do bible studies and listen to my favorite preachers and teachers, but I want to develop the desire to dive into the scriptures on my own. I don't need a theology degree to search out God's truth. I know how to read and I know how to ask questions. And using a Strong's Concordance to search out Hebrew and Greek meanings is not rocket science. I make it so much harder than it needs to be.

I feel like this is a hurdle that I have to make it over, in order to move forward on this journey. Would you please lift me up in prayer about this?

Today's Reflection: Lord I truly I believe Your word is life. It's not outdated or unreasonable or unable to be understood. Please develop in me a desire to read Your word, to hunger and thirst for it. I want to feel Your Spirit talk to me and commune with me as I search out your truths. As You give me understanding and insight, I want the scriptures to reside within me, embracing me and fulfilling the life You've called me to.

Day 33

2009-11-02T20:14:00.000-08:00

What do you think it means for Jesus to shepherd us? Prior to this journey, I probably thought the most obvious - that He guides and directs us. He protects us.

But I think there is more to it. I started reading Margaret Feinberg's "Scouting the Divine" today. The first chapter is about The Good Shepherd.

I am not even through the first chapter and I am trying to read it slow and not rush through it as there is so much to ponder and explore. Let me share a few of those things that are standing out to me today.

This quote really hit home with me today. Margaret said, "I recognized the boundaries as essential to the sheep's survival - and our own. From a sheep's perspective, fences prevent the animal from enjoying greener grass, but from the shepherd's perspective, the boundaries ensure the sheep stay safe and doesn't eat something dangerous or get eaten."

I am literally able to translate that idea into my own walk with Christ. I literally have pushed at the fences in my own life. I pushed down boundaries put in place to protect me. I felt hemmed in. Yet once I got to the other side of the fence and enjoyed what I thought was being kept from, I realized it was somewhat of a mirage. The grass (temptations) weren't as green or as pleasurable as I thought they'd be. They often gave me a tummy ache (HUGE consequences) and I often got attacked by the enemy. Sometimes I felt God found me barely alive when He rescued me.

I have often been that one sheep that God ran out searching for. He always came for me. He always held me and nurtured me back to spiritual and emotional health. And along the way I finally realized that if I embraced the fences, life would be so much better.

In John 10:9 it says: I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture.

I looked up pasture in the Strong's Concordance and found out that in the original Greek pasture means: food, that we would not want the needful supplies for the true life and then the final entry meaning growth and increase.

God is literally my protector and provider. Everything I need is within the boundaries that God has set for me. The consequences of being outside the fence of God's divine love and protection can be huge. They can bring spiritual, emotional and even spiritual death.

Then I look at the word gate, basically it means a door. Jesus is that door. He is an open door to the Kingdom of Heaven and He is a shut door to keep out the enemy that tries to kill, steal and destroy us. He is securing us.

This is easily understood when I think of my daughter Salem. She is a very sweet child and very obedient for the most part. But something major happened yesterday that completely brings home what God is showing me here. Yesterday Salem was playing in the backyard. The gate was unlocked (that has been rectified by the way). She came in and told me straight away that she went outside the gate by the street to talk to a little boy who was looking for a lost cat.

I was devastated. "Oh baby I cried. Do you realize what could have happened to you outside that fence?" As soon as I said this, she dissolved into tears and ran into my arms. I held her and comforted her and then we talked about the dangers that are outside of the fence. I told her that if she had questions or saw something outside the fence to come get mommy or daddy and help her. I was fairly straight forward about the dangers outside the fence and what could happen. Then I held her and comforted her some more.

Then today I read this chapter in Scouting the Divine. It hit me hard. I remembered how often I had strayed outside the fence - sometimes to help someone. Sometimes because I wanted to experience something I thought I was missing out on. But mostly it was just direct disobedience, because I thought I could handle whatever was outside that fence. Eventually I ran back into the arms of the Father. He held me and comforted me, but was stern. He swiftly let me know that life outside that fence - His protection - was dangerous and that I needed to follow His will and the boundaries He placed in my life. They are there for a reason.

Today's Reflection: Lord thank you for my sweet Salem and using her experience to give me complete understanding to why the boundaries in my life are necessary. Nothing outside that fence is worth the danger to my spirit or my life. Your are my all in all. Your are my protector. You are my provider. Thank you Lord for bringing this point home to me today.

Days 31 & 32

2009-11-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

I've just finished reading Same Kind of Different as Me. I can really relate to this story. Denver is a homeless black man who grew up picking cotton and have nothing of his own. Deborah is the woman who met him at a homeless mission and was determined to reach him for Christ. Ron, Deborah's husband, is a wealthy art dealer and this entire book is written from both Ron and Denver's perspective of the events that happened and how they developed such a close relationship.

It's really hard for me to comment on the book in depth as I don't want this to be a book review. But for those who like faith building, uplifting stories it's well worth the read.

My purpose in mentioning this book is to talk about Denver and how I related to him. Denver has been on the streets a long time. He's seen a lot of vile and ugly things. He's definitely distrusting of people wanting to help him or just love him. In one part of the book he shares the thought that he's worried about being caught and released. Basically this means that he Ron told him he wanted to be his friend, he didn't want to trust that and become his friend and then later have Ron "release' him.

I wonder how often that happens to us. I know it happens to me a lot. I want relationships, yet I fear them. Relationships - in-depth relationships - really terrify me. If the relationship ends, I tend to worry it was my fault or they were overwhelmed by my past or by who I am today. And I am a fairly social person on the outside so most people might not even realize that I have this fear. But it's a very controlled social personality. My hubby says he can see when I put up the walls. I am working on keeping them down but it's hard. It's why I tend to keep my past hidden in the dark thinking there is no way people would stick around if they really knew who I had been.

When I give into that fear I realize my priorities aren't in order. If I focus on developing my relationship with God first - the rest seems to come together. When I work at relationships with out working on my ultimate relationship at first, it will always fall apart at the seams.

We are meant to be relational. God called us into a relationship with Him through His Son. And He has called us to be in relationship with our brothers and sisters in Christ.

The scripture that most quickly comes to my mind when I think of relationships is Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV). Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

This scripture can be interpreted in many ways, but in this case I like to see it as meaning God, Me, and my Husband, or God, Me, and My Daughters or God, Me, and My Sister or God, Me, and My Mother or God, Me and A Friend. If He is interwoven into our relationships - it will not be broken.

Just right before that verse is another even more important set of verse. It says: Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 (NIV)

Together we work - together we struggle - together we rejoice - together we live. We are meant to be relational.

God has definitely been restoring relationships in my life and bringing me to new relationships. I do still find myself fearful, but today am more hopeful than afraid. I am hopeful that something long-lasting will be birthed. Being able to experience Godly relationships is truly a gift from God.

We are not all the same in our differences. Our differences can set us apart if we let them. But I don't believe that is God's plan. Our differences are circumstantial. I think our similarities are more important. They are bred in our spirits and our souls. We are all children of the Living God. He died for us ALL while we were still sinners. We all yearn for His Touch - for His love. Those similarities are far greater than any differences our various lives have experienced.

Today's Reflection: Thank You Lord for the many relationships You have given me. I am alone in a sense in that I need You and You alone to fulfill me. But in healthy Godly relationships You are right there at work developing us and showing us how to live life together. How to serve You together. How to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ together. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Life is a precious gift. Every moment I have on this earth I praise You for. I praise You for the Holy Spirit that abides within me and is healing my entire being. I thank You for the relationships You have given me. Help me be a good steward of these relationships - keeping the focus on you. All good things are a gift from You Lord. Thank you for showing me the beauty in relationships and how they are part of Your plan for me.

Day 30

2009-10-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

This song played in my head all day on Friday. So I thought I'd share it as my post. It's called Secrets & Regrets by Pillar. Even if you don't like the song listen to it once and tell me what you think. The lyrics are amazing.

I will bold the part that really spoke to me. It feels good to not live in the dark.

No matter how hard you try to
You can't make the clock rewind to the moment that you lied to yourself
It never really mattered how they felt

Your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark
Cause all you're looking for
Is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets

Your holding on to all this pain
Can't seem to leave it all behind you
Tomorrow it'll be today soon
Don't wait until it's too late to move

Your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far and you can't let this get you down and keep you living in the dark
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets

How many times do you need second chances
Not everybody gets a another second chance
(how many times do you need second chances, not everybody gets another...)

...chance!
Second chance

Your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far and you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark cause all you're looking for
Is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets

No more secrets
(no regrets)

No more secrets
(no regrets)

No living in the dark

Day 29

2009-10-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

For years I believed God forgave me. Yet I didn't walk in that forgiveness. I didn't rest in it. I walked in shame and guilt, never feeling the full extent of Christ's sacrifice and the joy it should have filled inside me to the point of overflowing. I cheated God out of the glory of my redemption.

How arrogant. Who am I to say God can’t or won’t forgive me? Or to act as if I was unworthy? Jesus prayed that God would forgive those who killed Him (Luke 23:24). Even though I never purposely meant to be arrogant - it was arrogant of me to think that I didn't deserve Christ's sacrifice. He loved me completely in the midst of my sin. He died for me. He deserved my complete surrender. I should have been rejoicing rather than stagnating in shame.

The same can be said of people who are self-righteous. In new testament days these were the Pharisees and the Sadducees. They believed that God's grace and mercy was only for them as they were morally upright and followed the law. I see this at work in many Christians today. And really, it's just as arrogant to believe that you deserve redemption and God's favor more than someone else based on what you've done and what you're doing now. Either way, whether we struggle with with a specific sin or indulge in our own self righteousness, both are wrong and we need to come to God with a repentant heart.

Once you start examining your own life and repentance for anything enters, your spirit starts to become more intune with God and you realize how many other areas you need to work on. Another area that I am working on is unforgiveness. I tend to harbor these feelings down deep inside towards people. I work hard at forgiving, but I've been forgiving in my own strength. And even when I thought I had forgiven them, I picked the offense back up and walked forward in unforgiveness.

To be honest, I don't see the people I am referring to the way Christ sees them. This is hard for me to admit because I normally I love well. I over love if anything at all, which definitely isn't God's will either. Regardless, I don't tend to concentrate on weakness and flawed personality traits. I don't pick and choose who I love. I try my hardest to love even the unlovable. But occasionally I struggle. It's a quiet inner struggle but it's very destructive and it needs to be delivered from my life. I will probably never go to them and explain myself. Really, it's not even about them at all. It's about my own insecurities and why I won't let things go and why I develop walls to keep these people out rather than healthy boundaries. I can have firm boundaries and not sin. But walls separate me from God. They need to come down.

Today's Reflection: Father I repent before you. Please forgive my arrogance and my pride. Please forgive the unforgiveness in my heart. I want to step outside of these walls completely. I cannot do it in my own strength. Foolishly I have tried. I know that you can deliver this from my heart. Help me see people through Your eyes and walk in forgiveness. I choose this day to repent and forgive. (Matthew 5:7, Matthew 5:23-24, Matthew 18:21-22, Mark 11:25, Luke 6:27-29, 36-37).

Day 28

2009-10-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

I started off my bible study time today by listening to a Matt Chandler sermon from his Luke series. Basically he said there are 2 great temptations outlined in Luke Chapter 14. And to be honest I've been guilty of both.

In Luke chapter 14:26, Jesus says if anyone comes to him but doesn't hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters and even his own life - that he can't be his disciple. That sounds harsh but God isn't saying to literally hate your family. He is saying to make them ultimate in your life.

My husband and kids do not complete me. I never realized this before today but I put them in that position. I worked so hard to be super mom and super wife that I lost sight of who I was in Christ. At that point it becomes convoluted and haphazard at best. They cannot fulfill that in me and it bred frustration.

God does want me to be a wonderful wife and mom and to fulfill that calling, but not at the expense of having it become ultimate in my life. I find that hard to balance even for a mom of average kiddos but what about special needs kiddos? They tend to monopolize our lives. It's an excuse but I never even realized I did this to this degree before today.

The second temptation is the pursuit of happiness over the pursuit of joy. Somehow as Christians may of us have decided that we deserve happiness. That it's a right. But think of Jesus before he went to the cross. He was distraught. He asked God to remove this suffering from him. God didn't so he obeyed. He certainly couldn't have been happy in that moment as described in the Garden of Gethsemane. But he endured it with joy. (Matthew 26:26-56, Mark 14:32-52, Luke 22:40-53 and John 18:1-11).

There is such a blatant difference between happiness and joy. They are not synonymous. Happiness isn't wrong. It's a pleasant emotion we feel when we are happy about our circumstances. But the key is it's based in circumstance. It only takes one moment to have a wonderful day shattered by something as simple running out of toilet paper or a waitress not getting our order right, much less something catastrophic. Happiness will never sustain us through difficult circumstance.

God didn't send Jesus to save me so I could be happy. To quote Matt Chandler, God sent Jesus to fill us with joy. Worship creating, dark day sustaining, God exalting joy.

God knows how temporarl and fleeting happiness is and He wants us to endure and chase joy as if it were the most important thing we could seek after.

I have been guilty of both of these temptations. I have made my family ultimate in my life. I have also sought happiness over joy. I thought that I deserved to be happy because of the crappy life I had prior to become a Christian. And it really is ok to be full of faith and expect good things and pray for these things. But life happens. And when those trials come my way the only thing that will sustain peace in my life is joy. Unexplicable joy.

I can transform my behavior without joy. I actually have. Prior to becoming saved in 1995, my behavior was erractic at best. I did crazy and cruel things in an effort to fill a God shaped void in my life. After I became a Christian I knew life had to be different but I never really understood how it was to happen. So somehow I transformed my behavior. And I did a good job at it. I became focused and less erratic and more easily pleased. But I never dealt with the issues that lead to the crazy, erratic behavior so eventually those issues grew back up in my heart until I was forced to deal with them.

Transforming my behavior didn't develop my relationship with God. I needed to engage my heart and let Him transform my soul. That's what I'm doing now, 14 years later. Sigh. I wish I had understand this many years ago.

Today's Reflection: What a hard day of reflection. Father forgive me for making my family and my happiness ultimate in my life. Help me stay balanced in this area and to be the wife and mother you have called me to be. I can only fulfill that calling through You Lord. Be ultimate in my life. You are already showing me how. Show me more.

Day 27

2009-10-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

Confession truly liberates the soul. I had such a relaxing day to day. I felt relief at having shared one of my secrets and I was pleased to receive a lot of positive feedback that really blessed me. As this journey progresses I will be sharing more,and eventually my entire story. The bit I shared yesterday isn't as terrifying in comparison. But the fear that used to come with the thought of people knowing about my past is ebbing away. God is truly bigger than my fear if I allow Him to be.

Fear has choked me for far too long. What happens when you fear? It debilitates you spiritually, physically and emotionally. It destroys your soul. I became my own worst enemy when I let shame and the fear that stems from shame rule my life.

Mahatma Gandhi was once asked about his greatest enemy. He spoke of the British and his struggle against imperialism. Then he reflected on his own people, and his struggles against untouchability, bigotry, and violence in India. Finally, he spoke of himself, and his own inner violence, selfishness, and imperfection. The last, he confessed, was his greatest opponent. “There I have very little say.”

I am learning that fear cannot coexist with the experience of solitude that God is bringing me into. Only peace is there. Fear simply floats away.

I begin to walk in peace by showing mercy to myself and by not living in shame and rebuking God's compassion. It seems harsh to say that I rebuked God's compassion but by allowing my shame and fear to root inside of me in place of God's redemptive grace that is what I did.

As I learn to forgive myself, walk in peace and accept God's grace - then I accept and love myself. How I can love others if I truly cannot love myself? My goal is to love myself the way Jesus loves me. It seems impossible but with God all things are possible.

Walking in peace is a difficult journey full of what ifs. But who cares about the what ifs? I cannot change anything about the past. I can only do my best today and hope for the best for tomorrow. It doesn't mean life will be perfect. But it does mean I can rest in God's peace and have joy reigning in my life regardless of circumstances.

As I practice compassionate mercy towards my own self, I truly believe I will walk in peace. As I walk in peace right beside God, this difficult journey will become easier.

My daily challenge is to embrace myself - past and all. Even my present day faults. Embracing them doesn't mean giving in to it. It means seeing it for what is was. Seeing passed the outcome and determining what caused it so I can work towards not letting it happen again. As I embrace myself - past and all - I embrace God. It turns me toward Him fully. Spiritually naked and emotionally vulnerable, I am truly able to experience God as He has meant me to for so long.

In Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus said said that the greatest commandment was to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself.

When I truly look at those words I realize I've been trying to minister the gospel of Jesus Christ without living out the gospel in my own life. How foolish. There is definitely a self-love that is corrupted. But the kind of love God is talking about here is based in grace. It is the only way I can be the woman of God I am called to be. It will enable me to be the wife and mom I want to be. It will help me become a true minister of the Gospel and through it I will be able to love others the way Christ does. Loving myself is not selfish. It's healthy and necessary to my spiritual development.

It is God's plan for my life.

Today's Reflection: God because of Your I exist. I am here today, healing and being made whole. Your love for me sustains me. Your grace fills my heart with gratitude and joy. Thank You Father for delivering me right into Your arms where I belong. No where else do I want to be.

Day 26

2009-10-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

This morning I stepped way outside my comfort zone and spoke at my local MOPS groups about depression and seeking help through therapy.

What led me to this? It started with never addressing my pain and the past. And by being too busy. For many years I thrived on staying busy. I took care of everyone besides myself. I became a Christian in 1995 during one of the worst times in my life. I truly didn't understand discipleship and no one really took me under their wing so if I felt it was my responsibility to fix my life. God could do anything but I felt He wanted me to do it. That was a mistake. He never meant for me to do it outside of Him.

Life was ok for a while, but progressing got harder. I dealt with infertility and years of treatment, eventually conceiving triplets and losing 2 of my 3 girls. Then things escalated into taking care of a special needs daughter. Life seemed to stabilize after a while and we had our now 4 year old and life became somewhat routine. I never really realized how far away from the gospel I was. Without even realizing it - I became works based. I would have said my salvation alone was in Christ. And I still do believe I thought that. But I somehow convinced myself that a Godly Christian woman was the woman who handled everything and did it well. So that was my goal. Everything else, including my spiritual development and emotional well-being, became secondary.

I took care of my husband and helped run our business. I had 2 special needs children and took my ailing grandmother in and helped care for her. During all of this I kept up with my regular wife and mom duties as well as serving as the coordinator of a thriving MOPS group. The girl's busy therapy schedules took what little time I had left. I seldom had a moment to breathe. Somehow I thought this was the life of a dedicated Christian mom. But I was completely out of balance with zero time for myself much less real one on one time with God. I was always doing. Simply doing - never being.

Eventually this life took it's toll on me. After years of doing and doing and doing, I found myself easily agitated. I yelled a lot and really just existed rather than lived. I didn't have a spiritual life to speak of. I did pray and read an occasional devotional. I also led my MOPS teams in devotionals, but something was missing.

Then in September of last year I came down with shingles. I was miserable and the medication I took had me sleeping 12-14 hours a day when I had previously existed on 5-6 for years. The bare minimum got done. I was completely debilitated.

Then when I started recovering, I actually started falling apart. I couldn't go back to doing everything I was doing. It was no longer possible. I just wasn't as functional as I had been before. I wasn't able to keep everything organized and going. I just fell apart. I think it scared my husband and I found myself getting angrier and even more easily frustrated. I didn't know what to do.

In complete despair I sought counseling. I called one place that really should have offered me a discount for being a pastor's wife but they didn't. And without a discount or insurance I couldn't afford their fees. Then I called a local university that had a counseling center where I would see a supervised graduate student. When I called they actually didn't have anyone to meet with me. It was a week before Thanksgiving and I needed to have a 2 hour slot for my first appointment. I was pretty much hysterically laughing when the receptionist said they might not could fit me in before the holidays.

Seriously? Seriously God? Here I am - where are you? I remember being SO angry. Incredibly angry and ready to give up. The receptionist must have sensed that I was at my breaking point and asked me to hold. It turns out she happened to ask a different student who was there if he could fit me in and after finagling my ridiculous schedule we found a 2 hour time slot that worked for us both. I remember thinking what on earth can a grad student do to help me. I had such a fatalistic view of the whole ordeal but there was nothing left to try.

Then I met "T" and the actual therapeutic healing process started. God had been planting seeds and working on me since September of 2007 but i just wasn't getting it. Thus He allowed an awful sickness to weaken me so I had to look outside myself for help.

Have you ever gone on vacation and left room in your suitcase for souvenirs, etc? But somehow you overbuy and can barely get your suitcase zipped? That was me. I had packed away years of stress and anxiety and hurt and pain and zipped it away thinking it would just go away if I never acknowledge it. I wanted to run from it - to pretend it never happened. And for a while this seemed to work. But that was a lie. Eventually I over packed and couldn't shut the suitcase completely. Yet I continued to try and cram more in. I could sometimes get it shut, but for the most part things started slipping out until the zipper broke and the suitcase exploded open and things went everywhere.

That suitcase was me. I exploded and became this person I never meant to become. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking who have I become? How did I get here? Who is this? Why me? Why now? Why God? That's when my self-reflection started.

Self-reflection is frightening. It's hard to look in the mirror and see someone you recognize but do not know. There is a fine line between allowing self-reflection to lead you closer to God and to let Him use it to heal you as opposed to letting it lead you to more shame and guilt. My fear of the unknown is almost greater than my fear of my current circumstances. Self-reflection is definitely humbling. But it's enlightening as well. It took a while for that reflection to turn to God but it did.

It's now been almost a year since that process started. I look back at myself this time last year and I am simply do not recognize the woman I was. I am a different Leah. I am becoming free in Christ. I am 85 pounds less in weight, I exercise, I eat right, I feed my soul and I work on dealing with my past. I still don't know where I am headed. Not exactly exactly anyway although I do have glimpses. But for the most part I am learning to embrace the process of healing and just being (yes "T" I said that).

I have been and am still learning to embrace even the ugliest parts of myself. The solace and complete acceptance I have found in therapy have been like balm to my soul. God is using that therapy now coupled with this journey of solitude to turn me completely towards Him. I no longer truly hate the process because even though it hurts like hell at times - God is using it to heal me. How can I hate that?

Today's Reflection: Today I am less scared. Thank You Lord for using me even in such a small way with a short snippet of my testimony. Thank You for using this turmoil for Your glory. You are faithful. Your word is true and doesn't return void (Isaiah 55:11). All things come together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His Purpose. (Romans 8:28). I feel so incredibly grateful and at peace. My story is long and sordid and to be honest on most days I still dislike thinking about the past and sharing it. But today I took a step forward. A baby step - but a step none-the-less. This time next year (hopefully sooner) I will no longer be fearful at all and without any hesitation will be willing to share my heart with whomever You lead me to.

Days 24 & 25

2009-10-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

On many levels I feel hugely disconnected from those around me. I do know I love them and know they love me. I feel their support. I see it. I value it. But it's as if they can't really be a part of this journey I am on. At least not yet - as it's based in solitude. But I still feel lonely a lot lately.

I feel like this one part of my life can't be connected with those I love and respect outside of this blog - at least right now. I don't think I will ever be able to connect with people on a deep personal level until I am grounded and full connected to God. I think that's what I've been missing all these years. Striving to develop and maintain relationships and never really fully feeling successful at it because something was missing.

I get why the solitude is important. I am embracing that. But a part of me wonders if those around me get it. And perhaps they can't. But I also don't want to undervalue my relationships and take them for granted. I simply don't know how to incorporate every day life and relationships into this journey. When I try to share anything in regards to this journey, it sounds convoluted and a tad spacey even to me, so I tend to be quiet about it except here on this blog.

I am often asked what will happen at the end of ninety days. I can honestly say I have no clue how I will feel on January 1. I don't want to think of that actually. So I hope there aren't large expectations on the hearts of those who love me. This journey won't make me a super spiritual being. I am so very imperfect. Sometimes I feel more imperfect as it each day passes by.

But in a way I am embracing that imperfection. I am known for being controlling and wanting things done my way. And in this one thing especially, nothing is in my control. I have zero control.

But zero control actually feels very liberating. I worry about so many different things on a day to day basis that it's refreshing and peaceful not to worry about this. To not strive for perfection and wonder what people think. I simply want to "be" in this relationship with God and let Him guide and direct me. I hope some of that spills over into my day to day life and that I would relax and be less controlling there as well.

Baby Steps...

Today's Reflection: Lord I see you at work around me and in me constantly. I feel the shift of my thinking. I feel Your presence consoling me. Please overtake me. Flood me with Your being. Help me relax and be less of me and more of You. I long to give everything to You. Everything. Nourish me to spiritual health. I long to be strong and courageous in You.

As I give more and more of myself to You, develop in me the characteristics of the woman that you want me to be. While You do not want me to be controlling, there may be some way to use that strong will for Your glory. I am so thankful that You can do something glorious even out of my worst personality traits.

Make me glorious Lord. I am Yours. Not glorious for my benefit - but glorious for Yours.

Day 23

2009-10-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Henri J. M. Nouwen's book "The Way of the Heart". It's idea is to connect with God through prayer, wisdom and silence using ancient spiritual wisdom to heal our troubled modern souls.

On solitude Nouwen says:

"Solitude is the place of purification and transformation; the place of the great struggle and the great encounter...the place of our salvation."

One of the stories in the book reflects that of St. Anthony who was basically considered the father of monks. He was born around 251 and when he was around 18 he heard this scripture and felt these words were for him personally: "Go and sell all that you own and give it to the poor then come and follow me." Matthew 19:21.

After a while he withdrew to the desert and lived 20 years in complete solitude with God. During these years he endured many trials but he reigned victoriously through his unconditional surrender to Christ.

That makes me wonder have I surrendered everything? Have I truly surrended everything to Christ? As mom's especially do we want to believe we turn it all over to God but really don't because the idea of lack of control over our family's life is hard to stomach? I am sure that's the area I struggle most in. How to give it all to God and not take it back. Every time I hand it over to God I tend to try and grab it back. And then there is the question of my hidden past. Things that happened as a child or as a young adult I haven't surrended either. Well I have but I have been known to pick them back up. I am working on keeping them at the cross.

But then I realize how prideful this is. I think pride is one of my greatest downfalls. I am not talking about pride that puffs me up and gives me an air that thinks I am all that. But when I try to handle something that God told me to give Him that certainly is pride even if it's not premeditated. Even if that's not my motivation, if I give something to God and take it back - then the underlying motivation whether I acknowledge it or not is pride. I don't trust God to handle it, or I think I can handle it better or I think this one thing won't matter to God, etc. And perhaps besides pride this can also be unbelief. I would argue with you today that I believe but if I continue to battle with God over an area of my life is that truly faith or is somewhere in my heart a shadow of unbelief that He won't do something or can't?

I want to live a life completely sold out to Christ. I want His spirit guiding my every thought and step. To do that, I cannot take anything back. I have to completely surrender to God and not take anything back. It has to be His. I have trust God to handle it.

Today's Reflection: Lord as simple of a process as it seems, I tend to make things so convoluted and difficult. Forgive me for having a prideful and unbelieving heart and for stepping in and trying to take control. Help me step out. Transform me into the daughter of God you want me to be so You may be glorified. Help me see that You are here always - guiding each step as long as I turn towards You and pay attention. Please convict me when my flesh wants to step in and take control. You are the Author and Finisher of my faith. My complete all in all. I believe You can do all things. I believe. Please help my unbelief.

Day 22

2009-10-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

Have you figured out that I am a pretty driven person? I tend to thrive on doing. Doing doing doing. And yet God is purposely slowing me down. I am finally feeling some comfort in giving myself over to it. Not fighting it or worrying against it. I know God has a purpose. But I have to admit I miss "doing" to a degree. I get the slowing down. I get focusing on Him. I truly do - but sometimes I still feel inadequate and lazy not doing.

How do I combat that? Well I start with scripture. In the height of Jesus' ministry he often escaped from the masses and sought solitude. (Luke 4:42). Did you know that solitary place in the Greek means a place where no one goes?

Where is my solitary place? Well for a mom of 2 teens (1 at home) and 2 small children (7 & 4) I don't think I truly have a physical solitary place. I am a wife and a mom and I have day to day responsibilities that have to be met. I don't literally have a prayer closet - especially right now with the girls taking turns being sick and thus not in school.

But I do have time each and every day where I can shut the computer down and turn off the phone and TV and concentrate on God. I can get away even if it's figuratively. Of course, the dog may interrupt with a yap or the door bell may ring or the broom may call my name. But isn't that the nature of life? Learning how to exist beautifully in the midst of whatever circumstances you're in? And I am finding that solitude brings peace and peace brings beauty to life.

It doesn't fit my life to literally escape, yet there is a way. It's just different than what I can understand through my mind. In seeking the heart of God, I must literally escape into God. I must turn from the things of the world, even good and beautiful things, and escape into the presence of God...As I escape into His presence I find myself in how He sees me. I see myself through the eyes of God.

Today's Reflection: Lord, I want to see into Your eyes and into Your heart and find Your will. Please help me be brave and face what I see. Please help me not look away in shame or fear. Shape me Lord. Remove my insecurities and my inadequacies. Fill me with Your presence. I want You to reflect in my words and actions. I want to be a part of Your plan to love and serve mankind. I want Your plan become my plan. I want to see the world through Your eyes. I want to love people through Your words and actions. As I get to know You on a deeper level, I feel confident that the lack of busyness will no longer matter.

Day 21

2009-10-21T20:57:00.001-07:00

First let me say it was a much better day today. Or rather, I had a much better attitude today. This morning I woke with this scripture on my heart:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Amen. I am so glad yesterday is over. I didn't dwell on it endlessly today but I did thank God for the mercies that accompany a new day and wondered why I have struggled so much lately, especially when I have been trying so hard to do what I am called to do. I feel like the Holy Spirit guided me into a startling realization.

For those of you who know me - you know how much working out is important to me and my weight loss. (I've lost 85ish pounds - down from 232.6 to 146.) Working out fills me with strength and perseverance and a feeling that I can do ANYTHING. Gotta love those endorphins.

Well basically the Holy Spirit asked me how long it's been since I did a real work out. Crud. Seriously walking with my kiddos hasn't been enough. It's been over a month since I ran or did a powerful strength training session. I've done a tad bit of stuff here at home but it's been very minor. Over a month, five weeks actually. How on earth did that happen?

Oh I have valid excuses. I listed them out mentally. My friend Kathy was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer (and has 3 young children) and 3 days later my my friend Diana's 10 year old daughter died after a 5 year struggle with reoccurring cancer. These circumstances alone threw me for a loop spiritually and emotionally. Then my grandmother went into the hospital on September 29th, followed by Salem's birthday, homecoming, Salem's birthday party and then us getting the call that Nannie was being transferred to CCU. Within a day we were having her setup on hospice and she died less than two days later. All of this happened in less than a week. Then there was planning the visitation and service, having guests around and the actual service itself.

Sigh...excuses...and really they were all valid excuses. If I had been talking to a friend who had had such a month I would have edified her and loved on her and encouraged her to start fresh and get back on track. Definitely valid excuses - but excuses none-the-less. No wonder I've been so snappy. Seriously, for me working out is like taking Prozac. It's completely necessary. I stress less and it's easier to keep my emotions level.

I did it to myself. All via valid excuses. I wonder how often we all do that? Life gets hard, our kids get sick, our spouse gets laid off, we have a family problem and we stop spending time with God, or less time with Him, or stop eating well and working out cause it's easier in a rush just to grab something quick. We might get lazy about our responsibilities in general. And it all may have started from something valid going on in our life. But for me that time of rest that I needed turned into laziness. It can be such a fine line.

So I asked God when valid things come up that require our attention how do we find balance? How do I personally find that time to bless my body and keep myself physically and emotionally well when I am struggling to read my bible and pray and get all my "stuff" done.

Then as God tends to do, He gently revealed to me that regardless of commitments and tragedy, could I really have not found time at least three times a week to go run? A 30 minute run at the minimum? Sigh...I did ask Him and the answer was of course I could.

Weirdly enough being the perfectionist I am, I wanted to run 3 days a week and do strength training the other 3 days as usual and when I couldn't I didn't do anything. Yeah that makes sense. (Imagine me rolling my eyes here).

It's so blasted easy to get off track. I wasn't even trying and did it. I am almost 42 - and it's still so easy to slide away in certain areas. Hopefully I will overcome sooner rather than later as this area is crucial to my spiritual, physical and emotional development. When I work out I tend to listen to my Christian music or podcasts. I fill my spirit as I replenish my body. And afterwards I feel AMAZING.

Its ridiculously ironic to me after working out HARD CORE since early February, that it never occurred to me that not working out would give way to my anxious thoughts returning and to stress and frustration being harder to abate.

In light of my recent wreck and the pain I feel in my back and neck, I am not sure I can run yet but I will be in that gym tomorrow. I can guarantee that. Feel free to hold me accountable.

Today's Reflection: Lord how wonderful it is to waken to a bright new day and realize what a fresh start we have. Your compassion never fails. Your love never ends or gives up. You never let go. Thank You for opening my eyes to something that seems so minute, but is definitely of such major importance in my day to day life. As this journey into solitude unfolds I see so much more of You at work in my life even though it has gotten more difficult. I realize that solitude in and of itself seems so easy but it's actually very intricate and made up of so many different pieces - like pieces to a puzzle. If I lose even one piece or fit it incorrectly, the puzzle becomes misshaped or incomplete. Complete me Lord. You began this good work in me and I know You will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6)

(Note: Thank you all for the comments. I have to admit I love getting them. It's nice to have that validation.)

Day 20

2009-10-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day. Can I go to Australia? Seriously - if I thought it would help I'd pack us all up and run away and start over.

The thing is I didn't have to deal with hospice, no one died, there was no funeral to plan, I didn't have a friend diagnosed with cancer or a wreck or anything major. It was just regular every day crappy day stuff.

I felt frustrated and annoyed. I want a break from this emotional upheaval. It's been a month of this stuff. It's been 34 days of one thing after another. ALRIGHT ALREADY.

So you can imagine what happened next right? I simply didn't deal well today. To be honest - I sucked today. It was definitely not my best day.

I didn't find joy in cuddling my precious daughter as she slept. I concentrated on the fact that she was cranky and wouldn't sleep without me and I had work and bible study to do and time with alone God to spend. (Yes I see the irony in that now). Nor did I find joy or thanksgiving or gratefulness in several other situations. I chose to dwell on the negative. The sad thing is I might not have seen God today or heard His voice, but He was here. I was the one who moved out of the shadow of His wings.

Late in the evening as I rocked Raina to sleep and talked to Salem before she went to sleep with dad, I realized how I so completely missed God today. I am glad I had a moment at the end of the night to love on my kids. Tomorrow I will choose to have a better day, regardless what comes my way.

Today's Reflection: Today I was definitely not my best. I wasn't a good mom or a good wife or even a good person. I was tired and let my annoyance and frustration show. I didn't yell or scream or throw things...but I am sure my countenance showed how I really felt. Forgive me Lord. This day did really suck. But if I had stayed with You where I needed to be - it would have been better.

Day 19

2009-10-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

Why am I so willing to accept others and tell them how much God loves them right where they are, yet I find myself struggling to receive that and apply it in my own life? It's nothing I purposely set out to do. I don't wake up and say - wow what a wonderful day. But I suck. I don't deserve this life. It's just there. My constant companion whom I forget about at times but who loves to remind me that he's still there.

The presence of shame in my life has decreased dramatically the past 11 months. It's been hard work and I consider that a miracle as I am almost 42 and shame has filled a large portion of my life. But shame still rears it's ugly head and usually in unexpected settings. And as shame creeps in, I begin to feel unsure and unsettled even though I "know" different. I cognitively know that God loves me and that He sent Jesus to die for me. He loves me.

I know that Jesus spent His time with those who were not redeemable by the law's standards. He fellowshipped with sinners. He didn't cast a stone at the woman caught in the act of adultery. And he didn't debate her guilt. He simply loved her right then, in that moment and said, "Neither do I condemn you."

At that point I wonder how she felt. Can you imagine our Lord and Savior looking at us and saying I do not condemn you? At that moment I think she felt more than forgiveness. She had to have also felt an intense love and acceptance.

As I think this through I find that there is a major difference between guilt and shame. Guilt convicts me and lets me know that I've done something wrong but also give me consolation that there is a way out. Guilt is fixable - forgivable.

But shame says there is something wrong with me. Shame tells me I am broken, worthless and unlovable. Shame makes me feel unfixable - unforgivable.

I am tired of feeling ashamed. Most of the things I am ashamed of happened many years ago. When I look at it without emotion I know that the people who know and love me now would not judge me for things that happened at least 13 years ago. Some of it was not my fault and some of it was. But it's the past. I keep digging up the sin that Christ has redeemed me from. I imagine that's like throwing His gift in His face. I am sorry Lord.

Right now, right at this moment I choose something different. I know longer want shame to have a voice in my life. Even now as I type this I have said outloud, "I rebuke shame in the name of Jesus." I would probably scream it if my kids were not asleep. But saying it is enough. The enemy hears me. He will flee.

Before I reflect on today, let me tell you a short story. Salem, my 7 year old, tends to be a tad anxious. Almost every night at bedtime she cries a bit and says mommy what if I get scared, what if I hear something, what if...

We pray and talk and I always promise her that she can come to me with her fear and I will help her through it. Then we repeat the scripture 2 Timothy 1:7 - God didn't give me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Today's Reflection: Lord you see the real me. You know my faults and You still love me. My husband knows me and he loves me. I have friends and family who know me and they love me. My girls may not know details about my past, but they love me. I have more love than I could ever need to battle the shame in my life. You have redeemed me from my guilt and my shame. You do not condemn me. Therefore today I choose to no longer condemn myself. Tonight I choose to take this childlike step of faith that I encourage Salem to take each night. Lord you did not give me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. I come to you with childlike faith and ask You to help me step forward in faith and courage and redemption and not stagnate in fear and shame.

Additional Note: This is a great sermon from a local church regarding shame. If you have a few moments listen to it.

Days 17 & 18

2009-10-18T16:48:00.001-07:00

The weekends can be intense for me. I want to make sure and spend a ton of time with my family but I always have that endless to do list in my mind somewhere taunting me. Yet this weekend was different. It was wonderfully relaxing and spiritual and beautiful in many ways.

We had a great family day yesterday and last night as my beautiful family slept, I sat and read and prayed and realized that solitude comes in many forms and in unexpected places. Saturday I embraced solitude as I sat in the movie theater holding my babies and thanking God for allowing me to be their mom. Words weren't spoken, praise music wasn't played but the peaceful solitude in my heart was apparent. Nothing but thanksgiving. Solitude breeds thanksgiving. Thank you Lord for allowing me to find solitude in unexpected places.

Today was a busier day with church and lunch and getting the house picked up as we started getting ready to start a new week. But as I started contemplating how did I embrace solitude this weekend I literally began to wonder at the differences. During the week it's easier; my kids are at school and even though I have a business to run, errands to do, kids stuff to handle and a house to clean - with those 30 hours a week and I can fit it in. In the beginning it was more of why wasn't I fitting it in. Why was I struggling against it. But now I was questioning the difference. Was I missing something on the weekends by being unable to do as much prayer, praise and bible study time?

The weekends are different because it's about family time. There is balance. And my balance is not being so present in solitude that I miss the gift of my family in the current moment.

When I first thought of solitude I saw it as isolation. Now I think differently. I am not called to a monastery. I am called to LIFE. Solitude isn't how much time I spend with God alone - its an attitude of my heart and why I do or don't spend time with God or why I do or don't listen to Him.

At this moment in my life, I am definitely called to solitude. God is using it to quieten my mind and my soul so I may hear His voice. But ultimately my calling is that of a wife, mother and minister.

I only need to wait on the Lord, renew my strength and the time will come. A time to fly and soar. The time for what specifically? I am not sure...but something is coming. God is equipping me through my solitude.

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with the wings, as eagles. They shall run and not be weary and they shall walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31"

Hebrew Word Study Of This Scripture (Thank You My Sweet Husband For This)
1. They they that wait upon" - to twist together or be braided together with the
2. LORD - Existing One before time began
3. Shall renew" - cause to break through or pass through
4. Strength - to have power, might, vigor, force, capacity for production
5. They shall mount up with – rise up, excel, restore, to be taken up, to ascend
6. Wings – to soar
7. They shall run – move swiftly, dart to and fro
8. Not be weary – no toil, not tired, no labor, avoid exhaustion, to not gasp for air
9. They shall walk – proceed, carry, bear a load, to cause to walk
10. Not be faint – not fatigued, not weary as from a long journey

I am waiting on the Lord. Who is stronger? I need to let God can be the true source of my strength. Only God can quieten my mind and lead me into His presence so HE can guide and direct my steps. When I rush ahead or lag behind I fall down or miss something important. Thank you Lord for helping me balance this call to solitude. That as I tend to swing from one extreme to another you will help me slow down and be exactly where you want me to be.

Today's Reflection: I ask you Lord to braid your strength into my life replacing my weaknesses. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says a cord of three strands cannot be broken. For me this represents the truth and action of the Trinity in my life. I pray Lord God that less of me and more you would shine out in my life. That my life would never be about me but always about You. That my life as a wife and mother will glorify You. That my goals will only be Your goals. Braid Your will deep within my life so I may not miss it.

Day 16

2009-10-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

I've always been a self-described "Touch Me Not". That sounds harsh and most people don't realize it as I strive to be less awkward when people reach out to me. But inside I feel it in most social situations. It stems from some things in childhood and young adulthood and at times it still affects me as a wife and mom. Are there any other "Touch Me Nots" out there? Surely I can't be the only one.

As I've practiced this over the recent years I've found that it can become second nature. I've worked really hard in this area with my children. As a mom it's fairly natural to grab up my kids and hug and kiss them. I do that a lot. But other days, when the busyness of life creeps in (an attack of the enemy), I literally have to remind myself how much physical love and attention they need.I want them to feel safe and secure and loved and with children touch is paramount. And I don't want them to grow up as "Touch Me Nots" but I also don't want them to grow up seeking physical touch in inappropriate settings and relationships. So I practice when I find myself separating from those around me. Don't we all have areas in our lives that we have to practice being better at? This is one of mine. My hope is that eventually it will be second nature.

I remember a few years ago being quite upset about something and a friend unexpectedly stopped by. We talked at length and I remember her saying, "I think you need a hug." And without even thinking twice or tempering my words I said, "No I really don't." I disagree with that now. Touch is necessary. It's healing in all facets of my life - mentally, spiritually and emotionally as well as physically.

Did you know that our skin is our body's largest organ. While our other senses are located in specific parts of the body, our sense of touch is all over. Touch literally connects us with the external world. I believe that touch is crucial to our human experience. It's why with my kids it's become fairly second nature. It's necessary. It's healing. It's connecting. It's intimate.

But to a "Touch Me Not" it's terrifying. I think most of us self-diagnosed "Touch Me Nots" desire touch but the literal idea becomes too much. It's overwhelming. It feels so very out of control. But when I relax and give in to it - it's healing. I want that continued healing.

I also think that physical touch brings me closer to God. If I have these "touch me not" walls on the outside - could I have similar walls prohibiting me from fully experiencing God's love?

This is where my thoughts becomes more abstract. For a person who is fairly black and white, this can be a struggle. So why is it a struggle? As I think this through I think it has to do with how I view relationships. So in my effort to re-define how I view relationships, I decide that the best relationships are mutual. They are open and full of intimacy, sharing and respect. Relationships in general mean really knowing someone intimately - physical touch is apart of that intimacy.

My relationship God should be similar to those with my loved ones. I want to be as passionate with God as I am with my children. More so. I want it to be intimate and in order for it to be intimate somehow physical touch must be brought in. But here again is where it becomes abstract - how can I physically touch God?

For me solitude is bringing me face to face with God. It's been mere glimpses so far but I know He's here in a physical sense. One day I literally hit the floor in reverence as I felt God's presence flood the room. Then this past Monday when I was driving home on a 2 1/2 hour drive, I literally felt the presence of God with me and His spirit comforting me and giving me peace.

I FELT HIM! Yet I didn't literally see Him. But it couldn't have been more real. So I am completely convinced that there is a huge correlation between what we experience physically and spiritually.

Here are just a few scriptures that touch on this idea:

"I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you" (Isaiah 41:13).

God promised to “lift up” his people and “carry” them (Psalm 27:5; Isaiah 46:4).

Perhaps the most appropriate metaphor is God’s promise to transcend even a mother’s love: “As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you” (Isaiah 66:13).

Then there are images of God carrying, nursing, and playing with His children(Isaiah 66:12).

Therefore it's possible. Just "different" than what my black and white mind can understand. But I do not have to understand to feel.

I don't want to be a "Touch Me Not". Therefore I am committed to continually work on this. As I said previously, I do fairly well with my kids and am working on that with my husband. Eventually I'll branch out from there and hopefully find balance and wholeness.

Today's Reflection: Raina, my four year old, has been sick the last two days with H1N1. Anyone who knows my youngest daughter knows she is seldom still. Yet she's amazingly lovable. She gives the most AWESOME drive-by kisses and hugs. And then takes back off to play and explore. She's literally been known to run inside from jumping on the trampoline and say mommy kiss. We kiss and hug and she takes off. But while being sick she's needed constant touch. And I mean constant. I've realized it's just as healing to her as my prayers and the medicine prescribed for her. God is using all three holistically to heal her.

Today I laid down with her for a nap. My goal was to lull her to sleep and eventually get up. We laid under the covers and I held her in my arms. She sucked on the fingers of her left hand and with her right hand she played with my ear. I have to admit at times this annoys me but today I realized how endearing it was. How connected we were. As her usual she wouldn't wear clothes to bed so she was laying right beside me in her undies and she wanted my shirt off. So I laid there beside her skin to skin. I felt her breath on my face, her sweet and tender touch and could literally feel her heart beat against mine. It was beautiful. It quietened my mind and my soul. I thanked God for this beautiful moment. I felt peaceful and at rest and without realizing it I fell asleep and didn't wake for 2 hours. It is so not my norm to rest and nap. Yet her I was resting in God's presence while my precious child was wrapped in my arms. We both were at rest.

God I long to continue to feel this connection with you. There glimpses of you I feel and see at work in my life sustain me. I know you love me even more than I can imagine. More than the love I feel for this beautiful sweet girl. As I lay there with her today, I realized you were at work even then. I felt Your presence - Your Touch - and it lulled me to rest as I lulled my sweet baby to rest.

Your Touch - What a beautiful gift.

Day 15

2009-10-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

The enemy is really at work. Well, he probably was always at work in my life and I just didn't notice. Or perhaps he wasn't bothered by me so he left me alone. Ouch. Who knows. Either way he's at work now. He obviously has a plan but I am confident that God's plan is supreme. It always amazes me that the enemy doesn't realize that. He's fighting a losing battle.

My heavenly Father sees what the enemy is up to. He's allowed it but won't allow me to be destroyed. I will not be alienated from God. In my solitude I find serenity. When I think of serenity I automatically think of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

My peace will not be fractured by my circumstance or environment. It will not be fractured. I cannot change my current circumstances. They are what they are. All I can change is my reaction to them. And I choose to react in faith that God has a plan even if I can't see it yet.

I will NOT be destroyed by anxiety or fear. The word says that God didn't give me a spirit of fear but or power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Another version says: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. Lord I discipline my thoughts and choose not to live in fear but to live in Your love and in Your power and with a sound mind.

I will be honest and say I am tired of it all. I am ready for literal rest. But I am finding that there is a different rest in God that completely sustains me even when my mind, body and soul are weary.

I am sustained in the knowledge that God has a purpose for me. A plan to prosper me and not to harm me. The devil may be at work but God's work is HUGE in comparison. I lean on the word that says no weapon formed against me shall prosper. (Isaiah 54:17).

Today's Reflection: It's a long journey Lord, but each new day with You is a gift. I am figuring out that life without conflict or problems isn't necessarily a life of peace. I've had that but still felt empty. But right now in the midst of amazing turmoil and stress, Your peace literally sustains me. It doesn't make my circumstances perfect but it does quieten and discipline my mind. It sustains me on such a great level that the chaos in the world around me no longer fractures my spirit. I am centered on a peace that comes from God alone.

Day 14

2009-10-14T22:10:00.001-07:00

I want to share a quote a friend recently commented about. It's from a book called The Way of The Heart by Henri Nouwen (which is on my list to read).

To borrow my friend's words the following quote helps me see that the initial sabotage that solitude brings to me is something that I do not face alone.

"In solitude I get rid of my scaffolding: no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me, naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken, nothing. It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude. A nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.

But that is not all. As soon as I decide to stay in my solitude, confusing ideas, disturbing images, wild fantasies, and weird associations jump about in my mind like monkeys in a banana tree. Anger and greed begin to show their ugly faces. I give long, hostile speeches to my enemies and dream lustful dreams in which I am wealthy, influential, and very attractive - or poor, ugly, and in need of immediate consolation.

Thus I try again to run from the dark abyss of my nothingness and restore my false self in all its vain glory.

The task is to persevere in my solitude, to stay in my cell until all my seductive visitors get tired of pounding on my door and leave me alone......"

WOW. That so speaks to me. What are my seductive visitors? Shame, guilt, anxiety, stress, not saying no, wild fantasies about what I have or do not have, and I could go one.

Today's Reflection: Lord in my nothingness I reach out to you. Fill me with your Holy Spirit. Protect my mind and my emotions. Use this time for Your glory. Help me persevere in my solitude. Help me stand firm and not let the enemy attack me with his labels of shame and guilty and anxiety and greed. In you I am clean and made righteous. Nothing I did or could do makes me clean before You. It's only by Your grace that I am saved through faith. Make me teachable Lord so I may not only hear Your voice, but obey it. That I reach out to Your voice and grab it and embrace it and hold it close to my heart.

Day 13

2009-10-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

You know the beginning of the day was quite sweet and peaceful. I listened to praise and worship while cleaning and sorting out spring and summer clothes from my daughter's closets. I prayed and meditated and felt such peace and enjoyed a wonderful Bible study with friends.

Then my solitude was seemingly broken yet again. Its almost surreal how much I have been attacked since I began putting this blog together and started this journey. I feel that there must be something God is doing in my life that is of major importance because the enemy is really attacking me mentally and emotionally and now physically. (I do not say that with pride - I don't get it. I just know it's happening).

I do believe the enemy is very real and his attacks are planned and well-executed. The Word says he prowls around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. His ultimate goal is to kill, steal and destroy me. (1 Peter 5:8, John 10:10). It's his purpose. And I think at times I lose sight of that and feel insulated from the enemy but I should know better. I don't necessarily believe the enemy is behind every negative aspect in my life. Sometimes - crappy things just happen. But there is just too much right now for me to believe it's a coincidence. I think the enemy is personally trying to destroy me on multiple levels.

The recent attacks have been circumstantial. My peace disruptive by a dear friend's stage 4 cancer diagnosis. The death of another friend's 10 year old daughter. My grandmother's death - and although her passing was a blessing as she was so ill, the timing and the disruption of this solitude journey was intense. And there have been a lot of smaller things a long the way. The girls being sick, Brian being out of town, my endoscopy, etc.

Today the enemy showed his hand. I finally realized he was at work. I didn't realize I was living in a cloud and not able to see it. Today I was in a car accident. I was rear-ended while at a complete stop by a young man going about 40. Massive impact. My head connected with the steering well and still aches and now my neck hurts.

I was in shock and literally everything slowed down. It took me a few minutes to react. I remember instinctively looking behind me towards the girl's car-seats and then realizing thank God they are school. Then the police got there and I became the "normal" Leah and started problem solving, finding my insurance card and drivers license, calling to cancel the massage I was headed towards and calling Brian.

The guy who hit me was taken away in an ambulance. I felt the need to pray for him. It wasn't until about 2 hours later when the anxiety of the days events and the stress of all I now had to do to handle the claim crept in that I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks. At that very moment, I realized the devil was at hard work in my life - trying to destroy my solitude and my peace and literally trying to hurt me.

ENOUGH. I prayed and I prayed hard and I will continue to do so. The enemy will NOT win this war. He will NOT.

Today's Reflection: Lord I thank you for your divine protection. Thank you for the Holy Spirit's comfort. I feel the peace that is sustaining me, miraculously sustaining me. I feel you beside me with each new step I take. I thank you Lord that in all things You are God. You have a plan and a purpose for me. A plan to prosper me and not to harm me, a plan to give me a hope and a future. I truly know You have chosen this time in my life for a reason. And in the recent past I've been intent on figuring that out. But right now I am content on just being on this journey with You. You will reveal Yourself to me in new ways daily. I am content knowing that You are guiding me. I am content knowing that You are comforting me. I am content knowing that You oh Lord reign in my life and I was created for Your purpose.

Day 12

2009-10-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

Back to the plan...

Today was a wonderful day. I got up and went to my local MOPS group before I left to go to Lubbock to see my therapist. The past two times I've seen him my sister or my oldest daughter has gone with me. As I have said before I am not a big fan of being alone. Yet today I relished it. On the way I listed to Erwin McManus and on the way home I listed to 2 hours of Matt Chandler. They are amazing preachers with different speaking dynamics - and their churches are in separate states - I am not even sure if they know each other. But God sure does use them to confirm things He's trying to tell me.

I recently listened to a sermon from Matt Chandler's Luke Series on the Lord's Prayer and today I listed to Erwin's version of the same thing. I realized that while I haven't been completely selfish in my prayers - asking for this and asking for that (I don't believe in a 'gimme faith), I do believe God answers prayers and I do believe my prayers lacked relationship. I petitioned God but I didn't come to Him intimately with "my stuff". Prayer is basically a conversation with God - not just a request for something.

I realized my prayer time has lacked reverence and praise, conversation, intimacy and affection. I do love God but it all comes back to me feeling unworthy of His love. I admitted this to a friend during dinner tonight and realized I needed to repent. And I did. Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy and for forgiving me for getting in the way and for stepping around You in life.

After a wonderful dinner with my friend I headed home. I very clearly felt the Lord's presence the entire way. It enveloped me. I have never felt so loved, valued and comforted.

The idea of what solitude truly is came to me. I seem to find that it goes hand in hand with peace, serenity, joy and true intimacy with God. It's all-inclusive. A package deal. What a heck of a package. :) A true value worth finding. And it's not even hidden. It's right there in clean sight waiting for us. The Holy Spirit is beckoning us - wooing us to our Father, our Creator.

I also realized tonight that I really never knew God. I thought I did. I served God. I worshiped God. But it all seems so superficial now. You know how you see someone on a regular basis and share pleasantries and move on? That's what I was doing with God. Keeping Him at arms length - never really getting to know Him, even though He always longed for me to reach out to Him.

To be honest, I never really understood how to develop that relationship with God when I asked Jesus into my heart. I never really realized that was part of it. I wonder how many others have felt that? It's as if I didn't know what was next, no one ever showed me, so I got lost in serving. And while serving is good - it's not the key to a relationship with God.

I lacked discipleship. Now I am discipling myself. Rather the Holy Spirit is discipling me.

I am excited at what's to come. In 12 days God has revealed Himself to me in a way I've never known. It makes me anticipate the wonders to come with an even greater expectation.

Today's Reflection: Lord I have no idea what's coming my way and for the first time in years I am not anxious or fearful of that. Lord I give you full control and ask that you give me strength and courage as You guide my steps. Thank you for Your peace that sustains me. Thank you for Your complete love that changes me from the inside out. It sanctifies me.

Days 10 & 11

2009-10-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

My grandmother's memorial service was Saturday and was beautiful. I will definitely miss her so much.

As the weekend has finally passed I finally have a few moments to process and think it through. I realized today that God called me to this 90 day journey and He knew the chaos I was about to face. He knew. Yet He called me to this. I feel inadequately equipped to be honest and then I remember that scripture that says He doesn't call the equipped, but He equips the called. Thus there is something in this journey, specifically at this time - that He is using in me. I am still not sure what it is but I long to know. There has to be a reason.

Today's Reflection: Father I am so thankful that in all this you are still God. You have not changed even though my emotions have been all over the place. You have walked through this sadness with me and will continue to do so. You love me and your comfort gives me peace. Give Nannie a kiss for me please.

Day 9

2009-10-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

I think I am misunderstanding solitude. I think I am looking for literal solitude which is definitely important and necessary but missing the mental aspect. I tend to let circumstances after my peace. I was texting a good friend and telling her that I was just having a hard time staying mindful in the midst of all the chaos.

She said: "Don't be sucked into responding to the chaos. Once you don't feel responsible you will be able to not react and not be affected and that will result in a quiet mind."

I need to own confidence that I can do this. That the anxiety and stress that affect my spirit are not from God. I can handle this all. God has given me a gift. He's opened my eyes to the gift of solitude. I do need literal solitude at times. But many times I just need to be mindful and not get sucked into the chaos around me.

This is such a paradoxical experience. What I thought I was doing in starting this 90 day adventure is definitely apart of it all but the process is so much more fluid than my sometimes black and white thought process.

Today's Reflection: Be still and know that I am Lord - Psalms 46:10. Thank you Lord for your presence in my life. That in the midst of chaos and pain you are there leading and guiding me on this journey. You are there. You are the one constant in my life and I thank you for shaping me into the Woman of God you want me to be. Let me use these experiences for your glory.

Day 8

2009-10-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

I am learning that solitude is not something to be afraid of. I've always been afraid of my thoughts and how crazy my mind spins out of control and have always filled my time with stuff to prevent that. But now I am learning to embrace it. It still feels crazy...it still feels vulnerable. My emotions this week have been unbearable at times. To the point where I want to hide and not come out and stop all this "feeling stuff". Seriously - how can feeling this sad and desolate be helpful?

But somehow it is...when I figure that part out - the how it's helpful - I'll share. I just know God is calling me to this so there is a benefit to this solitude. Thus I am sure He will reveal it to me.

For me the benefits of solitude are numerous and I hope to experience each of these to more and more degrees. Right now they are still fleeting and somewhat illusive but I know they are there. I long for them to reach out and grab me and envelope me. An emotional hug of course. I can't handle physical hugs right now but I need the emotional ones.

Mindfulness - Solitude for me brings mindfulness. It helps me to be mindful of my emotions and thoughts and not push them away. To experience them - to embrace the process no matter how painful.

Relaxation - It seems impossible but it can be relaxing. The more I listen to my Bible studies and focus on prayer the more I relax. I've added listening to praise and worship throughout the day and it softens my spirit.

Concentration - When I concentrate on solitude - I don't concentrate - dwell or become anxious - on the stressors in my life.

Love of Self - Solitude helps me embrace myself - positive and negative characteristics. It helps me see what needs to be worked out and realize how positive my life is in many areas. Outside of my solitude I tend to see the negative. And while the negative still may be there, solitude brings out the good in me.

Spirituality - Solitude deepens my love for God and develops my relationship with God. You can't spend time in prayer and meditation and in the word and not grow. It's simply impossible. I wish for this area alone I had done this sooner. And I am in a difficult week and still feel the presence of God deeper than I ever have before. Amazing.

I found this quote today: What a commentary on civilization, when being alone is being suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it – like a secret vice. ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

In today's culture we see solitude as laziness. I think moms often fall into this trap. But I question that. What is lazy about developing your mind and your spirit? What is lazy about being mindful of your thoughts and emotions. I think it's the ultimate healthiness for our mind, spirit and body.

Today's Reflection: This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Lord this is your day. I am fairly sad today. I miss Nannie. I resent having to do all my regular stuff. But life is precious and I am SO thankful for every day I had with Nannie. I am thankful for Your creation and Your love and Your power. Every day is a precious gift. Remind me of that when I am complaining.

Note: If you are reading could you please follow me or comment so I will know.

Day 7

2009-10-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

What is solitude? Wikipedia says solitude is a state of seclusion or isolation; i.e., lack of contact with people. It may stem from bad relationships, deliberate choice, contagious disease, disfiguring features, repulsive personal habits, mental illness, or circumstances of employment or situation (see castaway).

I don't like that definition.

It went on to say - Short-term solitude is often valued as a time when one may work, think or rest without being disturbed. It may be desired for the sake of privacy.

A distinction can be made between physical and mental seclusion. People may seek physical seclusion to remove distractions and make it easier to concentrate, reflect, or meditate. However, this is not necessarily an end in and of itself. Once a certain capacity to resist distractions is achieved, people become less sensitive to distractions and more capable of maintaining mindfulness and staying inwardly absorbed and concentrated. Such people, unless on a mission of helping others, don't seek any interaction with the external physical world. Their mindfulness is their world, at least ostensibly.

I really agree with the part that I emphasized. It's about seeking mindfulness. I am so easily distracted so that is my goal. To be less distracted and more mindful and more seeking in finding out what God has for me in this soul seeking time. I simply don't know.

I do know that whether by simple coincidence or the enemy trying to get a foothold in - my life has grown extremely complicated since starting this journey. It makes me wonder what is so important about this journey that the enemy is attacking me so hard.

I still don't know the answer that. I still try to find solitude even with so many people around me for Nannie's viewing and upcoming funeral service. Even now I have family at my house. It's hard to "get away" and focus on God and pray and relax. But for me it really is being more mindful and even in the midst of all these "distractions - and I do not mean that disrespectful - I am still focusing on God and how I can be more mindful to my emotions and my surroundings. I can still pray and I can still worship.

I am just not alone. I haven't been alone for long in almost a week. So obviously I believe there is more to this solitude gig than a state of seclusion or isolation. It's more.

Today's Reflection: I saw my beautiful grandmother for the last time today. I completely know that she's in heaven with Papa and my beautiful girls that I miss so much. I thank you Lord for giving me peace. For helping me find solitude even in chaotic/stressful circumstances. I thank you Lord for the peace that passes all understanding and for letting it sustain me on this journey.

Day 6

2009-10-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

This day started with me heading to the Dr. for an endoscopy. I tend to be an anxious person at heart so I was trying to pray quietly and not worry. But I was worrying. So I prayed for peace (2 Timothy 1:7) and then I started praying for my grandmother to pass peacefully and quickly, prayed for my family to handle her passing well and then I started praying for Kathy - my friend with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. I fell asleep praying for her and woke up thinking of her. It was refreshing. It was as if my spirit kept praying even though my mind and body were asleep.

I was not awake very long before I found out that my dear sweet Nannie died right after my endoscopy was over. So my peace was temporarily set aside as I began to feel "rushed and anxious". I wanted to go home and hide and find literal solitude as I knew what lay ahead of me. Technically I am not the "matriarch" of the family but I tend to head things up - sometimes because I just do and sometimes because it's given to me. So I knew I had to center myself, put aside my grief for not and begin making decisions about the celebration service. I tend to think that most of the time I am in charge cause I am seen as the pushy take charge sister. And to be honest - I have been known to be bossy in the past.

But that is not a character trait I am proud of. I don't want to be seen that that way but I already wear that label. They say it's because I can get it done. I hope the latter is true. I don't want to be remembered for being bossy.

So I did what I do best. I went about and did it all. Do Do Do. We made phone calls, sent text messages, handled making arrangements for the service, coordinated food, shopping for a dress for Nannie, and more. All the time I wondered if I was handling it well and second guessing myself the entire time especially when my great aunt was frustrated with me over a decision or when I felt guilty for not socializing with everyone as I worked on compiling photos for the slide show.

I am still Martha in this parable. I want to be more like Mary. But I still get hung up on if I don't do it how will it all get done? Pride....forgive me Lord.

Tomorrow's plan - solitude (literal solitude) after I get the girls to school. My prayer life has greatly increased since Day 1 but I miss the word. It's an integral part of my solitude healing my soul I think.

Today's Reflection: I prayed that God would let Nannie's passing be quick and peaceful. It was. Thank you Lord. I miss my sweet Nan. Life will NOT be the same without her. But I know she's with you and my sweet babies Angel and Brynna and my Papa. That gives me so much peace, especially knowing that she's no longer in pain. I love you Nannie. You gave me more comfort and love than anyone in my life. You believed in me even when I was a rotten mess. You were amazing and I hope I can be half the woman you were. Thank you God for letting her be my grandmother.

Days 3 , 4 & 5

2009-10-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

OK there is so much more to this solitude thing than literal solitude. I find that now that I know what God is wanting me to do I am longing for it yet I am facing stumbling block after stumbling block. Not all bad - just stumbling blocks.

Saturday was literally so busy. Korie came to town Friday night with her boyfriend Kent. We had family pics Sat morning, lunch with grandparents, Salem's birthday party and then dinner. I had planned to come home and spend my time in prayer and with God while everyone went to sleep but I was called to CCU as my grandmother wasn't doing well.

In the CCU I prayed. I meditated. I cried. I prayed some more. And was completely distracted by the beeps and how freezing CCU was.

We came home at 1:30 am as we couldn't sleep in CCU.

Sunday morning we had to make hard decisions and were back at the hospital. Oh how I longed to sit and pray with my face on the floor. Yet we went and made the hard decision to put Nannie on hospice.

More sitting and praying and thinking...that's when I began to think I am going about this all wrong. I still need the literal solitude but life is so much more fluid than I make it. I tend to be so rigid. That rigidity obviously doesn't fit. How can I practice the solitude that I obviously feel so called to when I can't even sit still?

But is it more a state of mind and spirit or a combination of literal solitude and a state of mind and soul?

I don't know anything other than I long for more.

Day 2

2009-10-02T23:24:00.000-07:00

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. On hard days like today I just hope I can develop a spirit of solitude to carry me through especially when I can't get alone. I allowed myself to get frustrated that my plan didn't go according to plan. I tried to go with the flow but it didn't go well.

Then Salem came home from school early and we spent 3 hours together and it was nice and quiet and although I wasn't on my face on the floor it was a beautiful blessing.

Today's Reflection: Seek God in the unexpected moments when you're holding your child, talking to them and spending time with them. They are truly the innocent and see God on such a different level than we as adults do.

Day 1

2009-10-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

Well it was sort of an anti-climatic 1st day. I half expected/hoped for an epiphany of sorts I guess. The day just didn't go as planned.

I got up and got Salem ready for school. Today is her birthday. Brian took her to breakfast and I took Raina to school. I came home and started Matt Chandler's Luke Series (Sermon 22). I love that I am going through the entire book of Luke with him. It's as if it's for the first time. This thought keeps resonating with me from today's sermon.

If there is an area that’s dark and wicked & haunts you – the cross is for YOU! It’s what the cross is about. Whatever that thing is that’s haunting you – Christ died absorbing God’s wrath towards it. Don’t run from God in shame. Run towards Him ...in repentance & accept grace.

Anyway...I got halfway through it and my sister called and needed help as her daughter's car had a blow out and thus needed to help. I did all that, then got Salem's lunch and took it to her for her birthday.

I got back home and finished my Luke study and then felt like what was next? I kinda hoped God would be more vocal in directing my steps. I like having a plan. I like knowing what's next. I am not fond of surprises.

He may have been whispering. I tend to think a 1000 thoughts at a time so perhaps I couldn't hear Him. Or perhaps He just wanted me to relax and be and go with it. Probably the latter.

I was listening to praise and worship music (the new David Crowder Band Church Music CD ROCKS by the way), praying and cleaning and decided to turn the music off and just lay on the floor and pray face down.

I did and it felt weird at first. There is something quite humbling about lying face down. Even uncomfortable. My dog Nina laid beside me and I started to pray. I prayed for myself and this journey and that God would direct my steps. I prayed for Salem and Raina and Brian and my friend Kathy for whom I am believing that she will be healed from cancer. I prayed for others - my friend Phoebe, the Tan family... It felt good to relax and calm my spirit and just pray.

It's very different from how I normally pray. I always have something to do so I tend to pray on the run - in the shower, while cleaning, driving somewhere, working out. But I think lying facedown enabled me to stop and focus and center my thoughts and pray differently. I still prayed the same prayers I would have prayed on the run but the thought process was different. I definitely felt more connected to the Holy Spirit and definitely less distracted.

Then the day went to heck with business problems. Major problems. Sigh. I know this kind of stuff will happen. I can't hibernate. I have to find a way for my solitude to coexist with my normal day to day life. God has to show me how to deal with that. But I have to admit I was quite annoyed by it all. It was day 1. I wanted something different. I definitely pictured something different. But it was as if God was quietly saying it would definitely be different than I pictured and encouraging me to be more of a "go with the flow" type. Ugh. I am SO not a go with the flow type.

Today's Reflection: All in all today wasn't what I envisioned as Day 1 of this 90 day journey. I kept rethinking what I wish had happened and what I would have changed. Then tonight the Holy Spirit put me in check when Salem told me this was the best day of her entire life. Ah my sweet girl - I wish I had that beautiful innocent gratitude. So my heart is yours God. Please forgive my impatience and my pride.

On to day 2. No expectations. God bring tomorrow what you will.

Called To Solitude

2009-09-30T14:37:00.001-07:00

When I first think of solitude I get antsy. I don't like being alone AT ALL and it's really hard for me not to focus on a project or a need outside of myself. So when God started leading me to seek solitude I completely panicked. Alone? Quiet? You have got to be kidding me God.

Let me give you some background. I have been married to Brian for over 11 years. We own a landscaping business and he's very busy with that and as a bivocational pastor. We got pregnant with triplets in January 2002. Salem (our survivor) was born in October. She turns 7 today. She has Noonan Syndrome, Hypertropic Cardiomyopathy, and some mild learning issues. She is now in 1st grade and her therapies are manageable. This time last year we had speech once a week, PT once a week, tutoring twice a week and riding therapy once a week. Now she has speech once a week and riding once a week.

Raina is 4 and was diagnosed with Pervasive Development in May. She's now in a PreK Head Start program. She gets 6 hours of speech a week at school - which is the main purpose of her being in PreK at the tender age of barely 4. I still struggle with that. She's my baby and only 4. And now she's gone 7 hours a day 5 days a week. Yet she needs the intensive speech and the socialization and behavior skills she's learning.

So for 7 years my life has been a whirlwind of taking care of 2 special needs kiddos and being their mom, my husband's wife and so on and so forth. Somewhere in there Larrah came to us, then my grandmother moved in with us, the my sister and her kiddos moved in with us - and now we're back to our little family.

During this time I was also the finance coordinator and then the group coordinator for a large and flourishing MOPS group. I was very busy. And very fruitful.

So in many ways - I've been going 100 miles an hour for 7 years. It's what I've gotten used to. Now I am not so busy. To be honest I miss my girls. The girls had only been in school a week when I realized how much time I had. Then I began to feel useless and wondered what I should be doing with my time.

I searched out many things and I definitely heard God tell me NO several times. Sigh. OK God what do you want me to do? To be honest this made me feel antsy. I am a doer. I need to do. The quiet of not doing brings me anxiety. BUT that is not from God. So I obviously need to work on that.

The reality is I do a lot without needing to bring another big project or commitment in. I am a wife, a friend, a mom who wants to be involved in her girl’s school, I like to work out, I can now keep a clean house without staying up til 1 or 2 am, the laundry gets folded and put away a lot quicker than before and I am not tied to a huge after school therapy schedule. It's so much more manageable. Yet I felt like I had to fill my free time. I think that's a trick of the enemy. He can't steal my soul but he can steal my peace and he can fill my life with so much "stuff" that it takes away from my relationship with God. Even useful/beneficial stuff.

So when I reread the above list I realized I still have a lot going on even though I still have a lot of free time. But guess what's not included in that list? Time with God. Yet I was looking for things to fill my time. Who needs 6 hours alone a day I told myself. I considered getting a part time job but God closed those doors. I considered volunteering more in a variety of ministries but I felt God say no.

So what on earth do I do God? I felt His whisper in my soul - calling me to solitude. Calling me to spend time with Him so I can center myself and be with Him and get out of the stasis mode I’ve been in since Salem was born in 2002. Somewhere along the way I lose "me" and who God wants me to be.

To be honest this scares me. I don't remember what silence feels like. To repeat myself - I get antsy. I can't remember the last time life was so silent. Yet I am realizing if there is no solitude in your day how can your hear your heart cry out? How can you hear God who at times whisper?

I feel so unsettled when I am silent and still but perhaps rather than filling that silence with doing something - perhaps God is trying to use it to turn me towards Him. Well there is no perhaps to it. He is.

I am losing the desire to fill my time with shopping and spending too many hours gone from the house or working on some volunteer project or spending too much time on Facebook or watching things on TV that really aren't awful but certainly not beneficial to my time or spirit. In and of themselves none of these things are spiritually debilitating. Yet for me they have been as they've consumed me rather than me letting God consume me.

I am learning that solitude is not isolation. For me its a purposeful quietening and "de-busying" of my life. It's a specific laid out plan to pray and study the word and spend time with God and figure out where He's leading me and how He is healing my heart and emotions.

This isn't about isolation. I will still go to MOPS, travel to Lubbock to see T twice a month or so, go to lunch with a friend, volunteer at Salem's school, etc. But this is about solitude. This is about not looking for a 100 things to fill my time. This is about not being scared to embrace the pain in my life and go to God with it, deal with it, decide what to do with it and figure out what's next.

I feel called to share this experience for at least 90 days. To document and process and share. Perhaps others will feel called to this experience. I have absolutely no preconceived ideas as to how these ninety days will play out. I literally have no clue. All I know is God wants me to do it and He wants me to share it and to strive to be more authentic and transparent than I've ever been. The transparency terrifies me. But I recently heard Beth Moore say, "You can't amputate your history from your destiny." OK God - I get it.

I'll still be a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I'll still have to clean my home, do the ridiculous amount of laundry we create, work out, do business paperwork, etc. None of that will change. What hopefully will change is how I see my relationship God, learning to listen to His voice, and finding God on a deeper level.

To be honest I think God's wooing me. Strangely enough, that makes me feel special. Special enough to put aside my fears, slip off my masks and start writing.

So this is my calling for this time in my life. It's time for me to slow down, center and focus on God. I feel as if my emotional healing is contingent upon it. All the things I've done have been good things. But the bible clearly says all things are permissible and may be “good” but they are not always beneficial in our lives. (My paraphrase - 1 Corinthians 10:23).

I'm learning that sometimes we need to just "be" rather than just "do". For instance Sabbath. God created sabbath for man. But how often do we really rest even just once a week? Especially as moms I think we unconsciously subscribe to the world's standards to do do do. And doing is great. Faith without works is dead. There are many works that need to be done and many that we are specifically called to do. But often we aren't called to do these great works thus they end up taking time from family and more importantly time with our Creator.

I have a dear friend who was just diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Her diagnosis is grim. I choose not to accept that diagnosis and am praying for her complete healing. But something she said has been echoing deep inside me. She may have neglected symptoms of being unwell and didn't go to the Dr - probably because she was busy with summer, 3 young children under 6, a 1001 things to do, etc. I am sure its hard for her not to wonder - what if...

It makes me realize if I don't take care of myself spiritually, emotionally and physically - I can still mother and do a good job but perhaps less or different than what God intended.

It's a holistic journey. If even one area of my life is ignored - I am out of balance. I want to be balanced. I want peace. I want to be whole.

I just know I want to be a great daughter of God - a great wife - a great mom. But I am realizing a HUGE to do list will not bring me to those goals.

Perhaps some some of you will join me on this journey on on some level. If not - please do comment and encourage me and definitely pray for me.

***NOTE: If you know me in real life and learn some of my secrets you might be shocked. Especially because I've done a really GREAT job at hiding them - masking them. Please realize I am still the same Leah you know today. Please remember how terrifying a process this may be for me at times and be patient and loving and kind. If for some reason you are really upset or concerned or have questions - contact me and let's talk about it.