Day 9

I think I am misunderstanding solitude. I think I am looking for literal solitude which is definitely important and necessary but missing the mental aspect. I tend to let circumstances after my peace. I was texting a good friend and telling her that I was just having a hard time staying mindful in the midst of all the chaos.

She said: "Don't be sucked into responding to the chaos. Once you don't feel responsible you will be able to not react and not be affected and that will result in a quiet mind."

I need to own confidence that I can do this. That the anxiety and stress that affect my spirit are not from God. I can handle this all. God has given me a gift. He's opened my eyes to the gift of solitude. I do need literal solitude at times. But many times I just need to be mindful and not get sucked into the chaos around me.

This is such a paradoxical experience. What I thought I was doing in starting this 90 day adventure is definitely apart of it all but the process is so much more fluid than my sometimes black and white thought process.

Today's Reflection: Be still and know that I am Lord - Psalms 46:10. Thank you Lord for your presence in my life. That in the midst of chaos and pain you are there leading and guiding me on this journey. You are there. You are the one constant in my life and I thank you for shaping me into the Woman of God you want me to be. Let me use these experiences for your glory.

Day 8

I am learning that solitude is not something to be afraid of. I've always been afraid of my thoughts and how crazy my mind spins out of control and have always filled my time with stuff to prevent that. But now I am learning to embrace it. It still feels crazy...it still feels vulnerable. My emotions this week have been unbearable at times. To the point where I want to hide and not come out and stop all this "feeling stuff". Seriously - how can feeling this sad and desolate be helpful?

But somehow it is...when I figure that part out - the how it's helpful - I'll share. I just know God is calling me to this so there is a benefit to this solitude. Thus I am sure He will reveal it to me.

For me the benefits of solitude are numerous and I hope to experience each of these to more and more degrees. Right now they are still fleeting and somewhat illusive but I know they are there. I long for them to reach out and grab me and envelope me. An emotional hug of course. I can't handle physical hugs right now but I need the emotional ones.

Mindfulness - Solitude for me brings mindfulness. It helps me to be mindful of my emotions and thoughts and not push them away. To experience them - to embrace the process no matter how painful.

Relaxation - It seems impossible but it can be relaxing. The more I listen to my Bible studies and focus on prayer the more I relax. I've added listening to praise and worship throughout the day and it softens my spirit.

Concentration - When I concentrate on solitude - I don't concentrate - dwell or become anxious - on the stressors in my life.

Love of Self - Solitude helps me embrace myself - positive and negative characteristics. It helps me see what needs to be worked out and realize how positive my life is in many areas. Outside of my solitude I tend to see the negative. And while the negative still may be there, solitude brings out the good in me.

Spirituality - Solitude deepens my love for God and develops my relationship with God. You can't spend time in prayer and meditation and in the word and not grow. It's simply impossible. I wish for this area alone I had done this sooner. And I am in a difficult week and still feel the presence of God deeper than I ever have before. Amazing.

I found this quote today: What a commentary on civilization, when being alone is being suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it – like a secret vice. ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

In today's culture we see solitude as laziness. I think moms often fall into this trap. But I question that. What is lazy about developing your mind and your spirit? What is lazy about being mindful of your thoughts and emotions. I think it's the ultimate healthiness for our mind, spirit and body.

Today's Reflection: This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Lord this is your day. I am fairly sad today. I miss Nannie. I resent having to do all my regular stuff. But life is precious and I am SO thankful for every day I had with Nannie. I am thankful for Your creation and Your love and Your power. Every day is a precious gift. Remind me of that when I am complaining.

Note: If you are reading could you please follow me or comment so I will know.

Day 7

What is solitude? Wikipedia says solitude is a state of seclusion or isolation; i.e., lack of contact with people. It may stem from bad relationships, deliberate choice, contagious disease, disfiguring features, repulsive personal habits, mental illness, or circumstances of employment or situation (see castaway).

I don't like that definition.

It went on to say - Short-term solitude is often valued as a time when one may work, think or rest without being disturbed. It may be desired for the sake of privacy.

A distinction can be made between physical and mental seclusion. People may seek physical seclusion to remove distractions and make it easier to concentrate, reflect, or meditate. However, this is not necessarily an end in and of itself. Once a certain capacity to resist distractions is achieved, people become less sensitive to distractions and more capable of maintaining mindfulness and staying inwardly absorbed and concentrated. Such people, unless on a mission of helping others, don't seek any interaction with the external physical world. Their mindfulness is their world, at least ostensibly.

I really agree with the part that I emphasized. It's about seeking mindfulness. I am so easily distracted so that is my goal. To be less distracted and more mindful and more seeking in finding out what God has for me in this soul seeking time. I simply don't know.

I do know that whether by simple coincidence or the enemy trying to get a foothold in - my life has grown extremely complicated since starting this journey. It makes me wonder what is so important about this journey that the enemy is attacking me so hard.

I still don't know the answer that. I still try to find solitude even with so many people around me for Nannie's viewing and upcoming funeral service. Even now I have family at my house. It's hard to "get away" and focus on God and pray and relax. But for me it really is being more mindful and even in the midst of all these "distractions - and I do not mean that disrespectful - I am still focusing on God and how I can be more mindful to my emotions and my surroundings. I can still pray and I can still worship.

I am just not alone. I haven't been alone for long in almost a week. So obviously I believe there is more to this solitude gig than a state of seclusion or isolation. It's more.

Today's Reflection: I saw my beautiful grandmother for the last time today. I completely know that she's in heaven with Papa and my beautiful girls that I miss so much. I thank you Lord for giving me peace. For helping me find solitude even in chaotic/stressful circumstances. I thank you Lord for the peace that passes all understanding and for letting it sustain me on this journey.

Day 6

This day started with me heading to the Dr. for an endoscopy. I tend to be an anxious person at heart so I was trying to pray quietly and not worry. But I was worrying. So I prayed for peace (2 Timothy 1:7) and then I started praying for my grandmother to pass peacefully and quickly, prayed for my family to handle her passing well and then I started praying for Kathy - my friend with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. I fell asleep praying for her and woke up thinking of her. It was refreshing. It was as if my spirit kept praying even though my mind and body were asleep.

I was not awake very long before I found out that my dear sweet Nannie died right after my endoscopy was over. So my peace was temporarily set aside as I began to feel "rushed and anxious". I wanted to go home and hide and find literal solitude as I knew what lay ahead of me. Technically I am not the "matriarch" of the family but I tend to head things up - sometimes because I just do and sometimes because it's given to me. So I knew I had to center myself, put aside my grief for not and begin making decisions about the celebration service. I tend to think that most of the time I am in charge cause I am seen as the pushy take charge sister. And to be honest - I have been known to be bossy in the past.

But that is not a character trait I am proud of. I don't want to be seen that that way but I already wear that label. They say it's because I can get it done. I hope the latter is true. I don't want to be remembered for being bossy.

So I did what I do best. I went about and did it all. Do Do Do. We made phone calls, sent text messages, handled making arrangements for the service, coordinated food, shopping for a dress for Nannie, and more. All the time I wondered if I was handling it well and second guessing myself the entire time especially when my great aunt was frustrated with me over a decision or when I felt guilty for not socializing with everyone as I worked on compiling photos for the slide show.

I am still Martha in this parable. I want to be more like Mary. But I still get hung up on if I don't do it how will it all get done? Pride....forgive me Lord.

Tomorrow's plan - solitude (literal solitude) after I get the girls to school. My prayer life has greatly increased since Day 1 but I miss the word. It's an integral part of my solitude healing my soul I think.

Today's Reflection: I prayed that God would let Nannie's passing be quick and peaceful. It was. Thank you Lord. I miss my sweet Nan. Life will NOT be the same without her. But I know she's with you and my sweet babies Angel and Brynna and my Papa. That gives me so much peace, especially knowing that she's no longer in pain. I love you Nannie. You gave me more comfort and love than anyone in my life. You believed in me even when I was a rotten mess. You were amazing and I hope I can be half the woman you were. Thank you God for letting her be my grandmother.

Days 3 , 4 & 5

OK there is so much more to this solitude thing than literal solitude. I find that now that I know what God is wanting me to do I am longing for it yet I am facing stumbling block after stumbling block. Not all bad - just stumbling blocks.

Saturday was literally so busy. Korie came to town Friday night with her boyfriend Kent. We had family pics Sat morning, lunch with grandparents, Salem's birthday party and then dinner. I had planned to come home and spend my time in prayer and with God while everyone went to sleep but I was called to CCU as my grandmother wasn't doing well.

In the CCU I prayed. I meditated. I cried. I prayed some more. And was completely distracted by the beeps and how freezing CCU was.

We came home at 1:30 am as we couldn't sleep in CCU.

Sunday morning we had to make hard decisions and were back at the hospital. Oh how I longed to sit and pray with my face on the floor. Yet we went and made the hard decision to put Nannie on hospice.

More sitting and praying and thinking...that's when I began to think I am going about this all wrong. I still need the literal solitude but life is so much more fluid than I make it. I tend to be so rigid. That rigidity obviously doesn't fit. How can I practice the solitude that I obviously feel so called to when I can't even sit still?

But is it more a state of mind and spirit or a combination of literal solitude and a state of mind and soul?

I don't know anything other than I long for more.

Day 2

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. On hard days like today I just hope I can develop a spirit of solitude to carry me through especially when I can't get alone. I allowed myself to get frustrated that my plan didn't go according to plan. I tried to go with the flow but it didn't go well.

Then Salem came home from school early and we spent 3 hours together and it was nice and quiet and although I wasn't on my face on the floor it was a beautiful blessing.

Today's Reflection: Seek God in the unexpected moments when you're holding your child, talking to them and spending time with them. They are truly the innocent and see God on such a different level than we as adults do.

Day 1

Well it was sort of an anti-climatic 1st day. I half expected/hoped for an epiphany of sorts I guess. The day just didn't go as planned.

I got up and got Salem ready for school. Today is her birthday. Brian took her to breakfast and I took Raina to school. I came home and started Matt Chandler's Luke Series (Sermon 22). I love that I am going through the entire book of Luke with him. It's as if it's for the first time. This thought keeps resonating with me from today's sermon.

If there is an area that’s dark and wicked & haunts you – the cross is for YOU! It’s what the cross is about. Whatever that thing is that’s haunting you – Christ died absorbing God’s wrath towards it. Don’t run from God in shame. Run towards Him ...in repentance & accept grace.

Anyway...I got halfway through it and my sister called and needed help as her daughter's car had a blow out and thus needed to help. I did all that, then got Salem's lunch and took it to her for her birthday.

I got back home and finished my Luke study and then felt like what was next? I kinda hoped God would be more vocal in directing my steps. I like having a plan. I like knowing what's next. I am not fond of surprises.

He may have been whispering. I tend to think a 1000 thoughts at a time so perhaps I couldn't hear Him. Or perhaps He just wanted me to relax and be and go with it. Probably the latter.

I was listening to praise and worship music (the new David Crowder Band Church Music CD ROCKS by the way), praying and cleaning and decided to turn the music off and just lay on the floor and pray face down.

I did and it felt weird at first. There is something quite humbling about lying face down. Even uncomfortable. My dog Nina laid beside me and I started to pray. I prayed for myself and this journey and that God would direct my steps. I prayed for Salem and Raina and Brian and my friend Kathy for whom I am believing that she will be healed from cancer. I prayed for others - my friend Phoebe, the Tan family... It felt good to relax and calm my spirit and just pray.

It's very different from how I normally pray. I always have something to do so I tend to pray on the run - in the shower, while cleaning, driving somewhere, working out. But I think lying facedown enabled me to stop and focus and center my thoughts and pray differently. I still prayed the same prayers I would have prayed on the run but the thought process was different. I definitely felt more connected to the Holy Spirit and definitely less distracted.

Then the day went to heck with business problems. Major problems. Sigh. I know this kind of stuff will happen. I can't hibernate. I have to find a way for my solitude to coexist with my normal day to day life. God has to show me how to deal with that. But I have to admit I was quite annoyed by it all. It was day 1. I wanted something different. I definitely pictured something different. But it was as if God was quietly saying it would definitely be different than I pictured and encouraging me to be more of a "go with the flow" type. Ugh. I am SO not a go with the flow type.

Today's Reflection: All in all today wasn't what I envisioned as Day 1 of this 90 day journey. I kept rethinking what I wish had happened and what I would have changed. Then tonight the Holy Spirit put me in check when Salem told me this was the best day of her entire life. Ah my sweet girl - I wish I had that beautiful innocent gratitude. So my heart is yours God. Please forgive my impatience and my pride.

On to day 2. No expectations. God bring tomorrow what you will.