Day 68

Have you ever really needed the complete emotional and physical support of someone? You just wanted that touch and their emotional stability. You almost needed it even. Part of that I've never experienced in most of my adult life. I am somewhat of a touch-me-not. I don't feel instantly connected to people by a hug or a pat on the back. I tend to buck up inside and feel on edge. Yet I've always used touch to connect me to people because I felt it was expected. For instance as a teenager I was fairly promiscuous. I did so in a search for connection - for love. But most of the time I was disappointed and eventually grew to hate the actual physical part of it all. I just continued to search for love and connection that way because it's all I knew.

To be completely honest I pretty much dislike this about myself. I want to be open and less guarded. I am much more at peace with this now - but in the pas there have been times when I literally had to practice physical touch with my spouse and children. With my kids it's become second nature. With Brian it's definitely better. But it's still something that's not completely natural for me. And rather than disliking it about myself I want to accept it as a part of who I am. Acceptance will not mean that I cannot change it but I firmly believe that acceptance is the first step forward even in attempting change.

I know the touch-me-not side of myself is there for many reasons. Some of those reasons I've explored and some are lurking in the shadows and will be acknowledged and dealt with eventually. But for now I am choosing not to feel guilty about it. I used to give hugs because I felt I had to. Now I don't purposely try to avoid it but I don't seek it out because I feel I have to. (Again this is apart from Brian and the girls. God is definitely healing me and making it much more easier with them).

So with all that said - I've found that by leaning into God I am becoming less guarded physically. I feel God's presence physically even though of course I don't see him and cannot touch him. It's as if my physical and spiritual being are completely intertwined and what I feel on a deep spiritual level connects to me physically.

I feel less anxious spiritually thus my stomach is less upset and I don't have as many headaches. I feel less tired emotionally and spiritually thus I have more energy even if I have a busy day and haven't had much rest. I feel God spiritually embrace me and it relaxes me and makes me want to reach out to Brian and the girls.

It's amazing how completely fulfilling God's presence is when we truly give in to it and rest and lean into him. I never truly realized before how communing with God consistently could heal so many areas of my life. I knew and believed it could happen for others, many times felt I didn't deserve more of God than I had or I felt I had so much compared to what I deserved why ask for more? Both are ridiculous. God wants us to lean into him, to totally become dependent on him. It's how we learn to simply be with God. I've made it so difficult over the years by doing. I am really learning to relish being.

Today's Reflection: Thank you Lord for your presence in my life. For loving me and cherishing me. For encouraging me and even disciplining me. Your presence is healing my entire being - mind, body and soul. I love feeling your presence so completely in my life. As I continue to lean into you - fill me. I long to overflow in you.

Day 67

The advent of Christ brought hope to the world. Hope for a savior, hope for a deliverance and hope for redemption. That hope is still here in the midst of this crazy chaotic life we lead especially at Christmas time. Hope. God wants us to stop and remember what this season truly means. It sounds like another hokey catch phrase but Jesus really is the reason for the season. It doesn't matter that his birth date may or may not have been at this time of year. This is when Christians celebrate. So as Christians what are we doing to celebrate Christ's advent?

This is a hard one for me. I am all about Christmas decorations and music and presents and so forth. Yet I try to balance it with giving and loving and serving. I try to teach that to my kids when we go shopping for those less fortunate or when we go through their toys to give to others. But no matter how hard I strive to maintain balance - if my heart is not in the right place it doesn't matter. Everything I do this advent season should be about serving Christ. Not because I should serve Christ but because I can serve Christ.

It doesn't mean I can't give gifts - but I should give gifts that mean something. It doesn't mean I can't decorate - but it does mean I should check my attitude about my stuff and not freak out when the kids touch it or when it looks askew.

How can I make this Christmas different for me and my family? I can worship fully through prayer, sacrifice, offerings (perhaps a sacrifice of time or service) and obedience. I can rebel against mainstream society's idea of Christmas and be counter cultural. This doesn't mean anti cultural. For me it simply means I won't live in chaos and stress. I won't overspend or stress out looking for Zhu Zhu pets (which can't be found without paying a ridiculous price). I will enjoy good times with friends and family and focus on people rather than doing.

I don't want Christmas yet again to be about consumerism for my family. I can buy less gifts and give more away. I can choose to celebrate Christ rather than the marketed version of Christmas. I can give. And the way I give should reflect how God gives to me. He gives to me completely. He gives to the least of those and meets obvious, specific needs. He gives gifts that bring the receiver closer to him.

Today's Reflection: Lord this journey on solitude seems to change so often I can barely keep up. One day I barely leave my house and spend all day in prayer and reading and other days I have to focus on the stuff on my list but hopefully with a different attitude and a sense that you are always right there with me. I pray that you give me insight in what has to be done and what I can let go of. He me spread the hope of Christ this holiday season. I am so blessed that my family is well and together, that our business is thriving, that we are growing spiritually and that we do not lack for anything. Lord help me never take for granted anything. I have been homeless, disadvantaged and poor. Please let me always remember those days I lived in my car during the spring of 1994. Help me always see people through your eyes.

Days 65 & 66

It's been a very trying weekend with my girls. I think all children go through this but my 7 year old has decided to become disrespectful and defiant and my 4 year old is following suit yelling at me - right now mostly.

Our Saturday morning started SO sweet. Together we all three cuddled up in the recliner and watched Frosty the Snowman. Then it started - fighting, disobedience and downright defiance. By the time Brian came home at 1:30 I was packing up EVERY toy in their bedroom. Seriously. He climbed on board and it's all out of sight in the attic. It seems extreme but nothing else has worked. They still have art paper and crayons and books and that is it. Today they got to watch a Veggie Tales Christmas DVD but that was the only TV. Brian

We are also in the process of having Salem write, "Salem obey your parents as unto the Lord for it is right. Ephesians 6:1." For a 1st grader this is helpful on multiple levels. She's gotten to 40 and the goal is a 100. Every day she will write this at least 10 times until we hit a 100. Then we will start writing the fruit of the spirit.

So you can imagine how the rest of Saturday and Sunday went. A lot of complaining and meltdowns. It's almost as if we had to punish ourselves as well. But it's the right thing to do of I am certain. So we'll see where we stand in a few days.

Sometimes I think I am in WAY over my head with mothering. But God has entrusted them to me and I feel I have to be consistent. I read a study somewhere that I can't quote now that says inconsistent parenting is WAY worse than permissive or strict parenting. Of course I want to be balanced and not be too strict or too permissive but I definitely want to be consistent even when I am tired. That's the key - to be consistent even when it's hard for me personally, when I am tired or emotionally worn out or even sick.

As I struggle with parenting my girls I remember that God loves them even more than I can possibly love them even though that is incomprehensible for me to understand. He has a plan and a purpose for them just as he does for me.

I found this scripture while reading Max Lucado's Fearless. "Pour our your heart like water before the face of the lord. Life your hands toward him for the life of your young children. Lamentations 2:19.

Father I pour my heart out to you. I pray for Raina & Salem's salvation. I pray that you reveal yourself to them in a deep and tangible way even now. That they will feel your presence, that they will know you. That they will always want to serve you and lead holy loves. SAVE THEM LORD from the enemy's snare. I pray that we keep them focused on you and do not overindulge them. We want them to grow up blessed but more compassionate and giving than anything.

Salem the Peaceful - I pray that Salem will be a banner of peace. That the peace that passes all understanding will embody her spirit and she will bring peace to all she encounters. Even now her compassion and empathy are far past her physical age. I pray as she grows older that her compassion and empathy will continue to grow and as a minister of the gospel of peace she will bring people to reconciliation through you.

Raina the Joyful - I pray that the joy of the Lord will always be Raina's strength as she journeys through this life. As she giggles and makes us laugh now at even the slightest thing - let that joy grow with her and become deeply ingrained as a part of her character. Let your joy radiate from her as she grows up. Laughter is a precious medicine and I pray that you will use it to heal people through her. I pray that she continues to be light-hearted and cheerful in whatever ministry you put her in.

Today's Reflection: Lord enable me to be the mother you want me to be to these two beautiful girls. I want to be a consistent disciplinarian yet have that be tempered with patience, love and encouragement. Show me how to nurture them at every stage in their development. Let my mothering be embodied by your love for them. Love them through me. I want them to grow and lead holy Christ-centered lives. Show Brian and I what we need to do and put it on my heart to always lift them up to you in prayer. Even on days like yesterday and today when all I want to do is cry, run and hide instead let me feel your presence and fall on my face and plead for them before you. Let their special needs be addressed without being indulged. Thank you Lord for the gift of motherhood. Please help me not screw them up. Quickly reveal to me when I make mistakes so I can apologize and do what I can to correct my wrongs. Thank you Lord for the grace and mercy that flows from heaven above into my life and the life of my children.

Days 63 & 64

Feed your fear and your faith will starve
Feed your faith and your fear will starve

That's a quote from Max Lucado's book Fearless. It seems so simple doesn't it? And actually it is. I make it MUCH harder than it is. Therefore that's what I am working on. I am not even working on facing my fears but facing Jesus. When Peter faced the tumultuous waters he began to sink but when he focused on Jesus and Jesus alone he walked on water.

That's what I am working on right now. I am tired, struggling with a sinus infection and long days since Brian is in the final week of Christmas light installations and is working a lot. I've realized that when I am tired or physically ill, I have to found that I am more susceptible to the attacks. Thus I am trying to pray more, study more and look at Jesus and not at the circumstances around. It's not about facing my fears - it's about facing Jesus and not being sidetracked by the circumstances around me whether it's cancer or death or finances or family issues. The rest will come together. The word says - All things come together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

I will share more about this over the weekend but I am encouraged by Matt Chandler's words before he went into surgery Friday. Please read them, be encouraged by them and pray for Matt and his family as he recovers and they wait for the pathology report.

My Heart Is Full...I Am Thankful (Click on the link for the complete post).

The last seven days have been some of the most interesting of my life. I have felt anxiety, fear, sadness and a deep and unmovable joy simultaneously and in deeper ways than I have felt before. I am grateful for this heightened sense of things. Today at 10:45 a.m. CST I will have a good portion of my right frontal lobe removed. I head into that surgery with a heart that is filled with gratitude and hope.

Today's Reflection: Your perfect love oh Lord casts out all fear. As I lean into You I feel Your presence envelope me, Your love nurture me and unmovable joy strength and encourage me. Fear cannot coexist with Your love. Thank You Father for loving me and delivering me. I am so thankful for Your love and hopeful for the future You have given me.

Day 62

My biggest struggle right now tends to be fear. I really am just a scaredy cat inside. Most people who know me in real life probably wouldn't know this but I am simply afraid of so many things real and imagined. But then I wonder do I really hide it that well? My 7 year old has been developing some anxiety based fear and we've been working through that with scripture and prayer and I've been praying against that generational curse. Thus I need to deal with my own fear in order to help her deal with hers. I don't want fear to become a stronghold in her life the way it has in mine.

What am I scared of? Everything both real, potentially real and ridiculously unreal. It's borderline ridiculous at times. I've become better at taking the thoughts captive but I want more. I want the thoughts gone or at the very least I want them to be barely a blip on my radar. I want to rebuke it, turn to God and move on. I don't want to give fear even one foot in the door of my heart and mind.

Yesterday I had a hard day with some fearful thoughts. I struggled with it - prayed and thought about it. I knew I needed to fight this battle head on and not run from it as would be my first instinct. I was still pondering all this today when a friend called me. She had a dream about me. In this dream I was in a boat and paddling somewhere and was entranced by the beauty of fireflies around me. All of the sudden alligators were there and I could no longer see the beautiful fireflies. I instantly knew what this mean. The alligators were my fear and my fear is hindering me from the beauty of everyday life.

Fear stomps out that beauty. Fear keeps me surviving rather than living. I've got to get this stronghold broken out of my life. I've come too far - God has brought me too far - to backslide into fear.

I also started reading Max Lucado's Fearless. I agree with him when he says fear feels dreadful. Fear sucks the life out of the soul, curls us into an embryonic state and drains us out of contentment.

I know what God's word says. I know by grace I am saved through faith. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND. Thus really it's foolish, stupid even, for me to continue to exist in fear. I want faith to be my default reaction. Jesus says this is possible. Jesus I believe - help my unbelief.

Today's Reflection: Lord I want to be free from fear. I want to be able to ignore fear knocking at my door. I want to ALWAYS remember the promise of Christ and to not be afraid. Even in circumstances that are real and not imagined I want to default to faith. Your word tells me in Matthew 6:25 not to worry about everyday life. Lord help me. Deliver me - heal me. Show me the way through this.

Day 61

I am quite tired today. A sinus infection has worn me down. Raina and I headed to the doctor's office today as she's been sick too. The doctor checked us out and I got antibiotics.

In the past I would have ignored my symptoms. I would have carried on and not took the rest my body needed. I look back at that and shake my head. It's so foolish not to take care of ourselves. In affects our physical body of course but it also depletes our emotional and spiritually wellness and strength.

Thus - I am going to bed and resting.

Today's Reflection: Lord my mind is busy thinking of the laundry I need to do, the accounting work I need to complete, the Christmas presents to wrap, and I could go on and on. But for now I am going to rest. The stuff will still be there tomorrow and Thursday. As I rest I pray that You would heal and strengthen my body. I long to rest in You Lord.

Day 60

A year ago...

A year ago you wouldn't recognize me - not physically, spiritually or emotionally. I was 232.6 pounds with high cholesterol and diabetes, awful knees, a broken heart and a destroyed spirit. I was an empty shell simply existing and doing. I was surviving life rather than living it.

I am not even sure how I ended up there. There is such a delicate balance between being a wife and a mom and working and ministering and still maintaining a sense of self. Add family issues to the mix, throw in an aging, frail grandmother and two special need kids and for me that was all it took.

I don't regret helping taking care of my grandmother. She was an amazing influence in my life. And I do not regret my girls. I love them. But I was consumed with doing. I didn't live in the moment. I lived by doing, by my to do list. Thus I do regret how I lost myself along the way. I became so focused on doing and taking care of others that I lost sight of myself. I never learned to be and live in the moment. I almost ceased to exist in many ways.

I seldom nurtured my body or my spirit. I hit rock bottom. I wasn't sure what to do different but I knew that my life needed to change. I started looking into weight loss surgery as well as Christian therapy. God led me to Ty and I had my first therapy session the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

It's been a hard year at times. But it's been precious as well - even those hard moments are precious. I've looked at myself for the first time ever. It was terrifying at first. But I am continually learning to love and accept myself. Therapy and self-reflection is intensive emotional work. You don't just learn the good things - you have to face the wickedness and sad and hurtful things in your life as well. There were days I cried driving to therapy. There were days I didn't want to work out. There were days I wanted to drown my sorrows in food. But God kept propelling me forward.

In a year I've realized a few things about myself:

1. I am a unique and glorious creation of infinite worth and potential. God loves me beyond my comprehension. I repeat this to myself often and I usually believe it.
2. Garbage in/garbage out. I didn't tune in to God thus my spirit had nothing to sustain me. In relation to food - the crap I ate simply destroyed my body and gave fuel to my mental fatigue.
3. I am a great wife and mom but I have learned that I cannot be all things to all people. I am Leah. I am strong but I am human and I make mistakes. I don't let shame overtake me. I am learning how to be what God created me to be. I am learning to say no. I am learning to keep firm boundaries in place yet not build walls.
4. I have a life outside my family. That's a hard one for me. Especially with my little girls. I am just not lost in them as I was last year. I am called to be their mom and to nurture them and help them grow spiritually and into maturity. I want to raise powerful women of God. I pray for their salvation daily. I pray for their future and I see God already at work in their life. But I can do all this without being lost in them.
5. My physical body and the shape I was in was hugely a part of how sad and depressed I became. I am not a health nut. I don't want health and fitness to become a God in my life. But I feel SO good about myself. My almost 42 year old body looks better but more importantly I feel better. I have energy. I can do things. I understand the importance of staying active and being careful of what I put in my body. I had weight loss surgery - a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. It's a tool that employs restriction only. I still have to eat well. If not I could still eat 3000-5000 calories a day and regain the 90 pounds I lost. My food issues were a symptom of my heart issues. As I get closer to God and work on the issues down deep inside - the desire to self medicate with food leaves me. And as I work out and eat better - I feel better physically and emotionally.

Its been quite a journey. A holistic journey. I have lost 90 pounds. I have normal cholesterol and triglycerides. My diabetes is gone. I have more patience and am less angry and frustrated. I am sinking into God's presence rather than turning away in shame. I am finding Leah - for the first time in 40+ years. I am becoming the Leah that God meant for me to be the entire time.

It's never too late. If you're like I was - find hope. Remember there is a difference between being hopeless and helpless. I needed help and finally turned out of my stubborn will and found it. It's NEVER too late unless your dead. Live a life of no regrets.

I would love to hear your comments and your own thoughts and struggles. Sometimes I blog and wonder does what I have to say, but then I remember that God told me to do this. While I would love the feedback ultimately this is an act of worship. An act of obedience. Perhaps it's just a way for me to learn to be authentic and even transparent in a safe environment before I am turned loose on the world. It simply might be for my own benefit. But I hope this blog is helping someone, somewhere.

Today's Reflection: God Your grace astounds me. Thank You for loving me at my worst. I want to be who You have created me to be. I long to serve You. Thank You for delivering me. I am excited to see what You have in store for me this next year.

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2009