Becoming Childlike

My almost 5 year old has been wearing glasses for 4 years. She's extremely far sighted and has an astigmatism. We go to the eye doctor 2-4 times a year on average. We just went in December and lately I've noticed her right eye still turning in even with her glasses on so I decided to take Raina to the opthamologist.

He brought up the inevitable - we need to patch her good eye. I pretty much knew this was coming but my biggest worry was how Raina would react. I came home and did some reading and chose to invest in a couple of really girly patches rather than do the adhesive ones. They are on the way and we'll start patching as soon as they get here. I expect because we are patching the good eye to help strengthen her weak eye, that it might be uncomfortable, harder to see at first and may even give her a headache.

But I am hoping for the best. Raina's always been very compliant with her glasses. Even when she was 1 and got her first glasses she kept them on. She seems to have always understood that she simply can't see without them. She doesn't fight them or even the doctor except when they dilate her eyes.

When I really ponder this I realize she understands the need for glasses and eye doctor appointments and accepts it. She goes with it. And she's only about to be 5.

When I compare how accepting and understanding she is of the inevitable things in her life I realize how much I am not. I am the one constantly trying to find the easier road. There always has to be an easier way right? I spend so much time searching for the easier way or by procrastinating and putting off the inevitable, that I make things worse.

We can learn a lot from children if we let ourselves. I want to be more like Raina and accept hardships or problems easier. Children are so beautifully resilient. They just go with the flow for the most part as long as they are nurtured and loved through it. How many times have we seen our kiddos take a really hard fall and because we kiss it and pray to make it better they seem to be fine even though they have an awful scratch or bruise? As an adult I would probably limp throughout the day rather than moving on.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says: "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

Today's Reflection: Lord teach me to be more like my children. Show me how to be the example to them I need to be but always remind me how much I can learn through them and how they see the world before them. Help me not teach them my anxious procrastinating ways.

The Dream

I am not one gifted with prophetic dreams. My husband truly has the gift of prophecy and words of knowledge but I do not. Seldom do I even remember my dreams long after I wake. But I had a dream a few days before I was hospitalized with the infection and I wanted to share it.

The last Friday of every month Brian and 2 friends get together for an all night prayer retreat. I normally truly dislike being alone at night. I don't sleep well and tend to get fearful. I was already feeling pretty bad at this point and didn't realize I had an infection yet this night I wasn't as anxious as I normally had been.

I went to sleep the last Friday of January and had a dream. It was a very vivid dream that I remember in detail almost 3 months later. In this dream Salem and I were in a building of some sort with a lot of people. We went there willing but later we couldn't leave. There was a woman there and she was very adamant that we could not leave. I do not remember feeling fearful but shortly after she said we could't leave Brian, a friend named Leonard and some other people crashed through the building in vehicles. Brian told me to leave with Salem and they'd handle it.

In the next scene of the dream, we were leaving the house. Our house is on a corner and our driveway is on the corner right outside the backyard. I had both girls with me and we stepped outside and I noticed the same woman across the street. Again I don't remember feeling afraid. But I noticed her and I remembered where she was from. I got the girls in the van as I watched her. She never crossed the street to where I was but I could hear her talking to me. She was telling me things like she had to kill me, that I couldn't live and she had to destroy me.

Again - I wasn't afraid. For a woman that has in the past and is still dealing with a lot of fear issues this has stuck with me. I simply was not afraid. I remember telling her I didn't want to die but if I did God would send someone else to do what he had called me to do. At this point my neighbor came out and shot her. Later she's in an ambulance yelling at me that this isn't over.

This was Friday night. Sunday afternoon I was really sick and Monday I was in the hospital. I do believe in coincidence and I do believe in the supernatural. I am also not one to see a demon behind every shadow. But I truly believe this dream was either a warning of what was to come or something hugely spiritual in my life.

I think of this dream everyday. In the bible God allowed Peter to be sifted. God allowed Job to be tested. I definitely do not think God made me ill. But he allowed it for a reason. Was I being sifted or tested? I think so.

Now I'm trying to figure out why.

Jenny Bizaillion

While I was in the hospital the 2nd time recovery from the surgery to clean out my infection, I'd often play on Facebook. Many of my friends new a young woman named Jenny Bizaillion. I never had the pleasure of meeting her but she changed my life. But while I was in the hospital and later at home recovering, Jenny was in the hospital as well. She was admitted February 4th in critical condition with pneumonia.

Jenny's struggle was indeed critical. The infection rampaged and on February 22nd she passed from this life into the arms of her heavenly father. She was 32 and left behind a grieving husband, 8 year old daughter and an amazing amount of loving family and friends. In the 2 plus weeks prior to her death I prayed for her daily - several times a day. As I was getting better she seemed to be getting worse. As I got to go home, she weakened and continued to fight for her life. On February 22nd she died as I was getting my PICC line out from the comfort of my own home.

I remember just crying as I read the update. What on earth was fair about this? She was a beautiful vibrant young woman full of life and calling. Why was her journey called short?

I simply do not know. I do know I still wonder why I am here and she is not. I am so thankful to still be able to parent my daughters and live a wonderful life with my husband. I am here for a reason. I am still waiting for God to define that for me. I just know he has something planned for me. I am here in this world for a reason. My world may be small but it's my world. I can do something incredible in my world just as Jenny did.

Everything I read about Jenny portrays her as a Godly woman full of love and compassion and gospel truth. I want to be remembered likewise. Jenny - thank you for living for God and being a true testimony to his gospel. I know I will think of you often and while a part of me grieves for your family's loss - I know you are fulfilled in the arms of the father. Thus I will pray for your husband and daughter as I pray for mine. I will pray for God to heal their pain and bring them peace. I know your calling is complete or you wouldn't be in heaven and I pray that the lives you touched on this earth will continue to reach out and touch others creating a lasting legacy of hope and peace.

You brought hope to my life in a dark time. I never feared for my life but I often feared for my family and what would happen to them if something happened to me. I watched my little girls struggle with worry and fear and saw my strong and never worrying husband worry. I remember asking God to let me stay and be with them longer. And for reasons I do not understand I was healed on this earth and you were healed the moment you went to be with the father. All I can assume is I have more to do.

I do not look at this gift lightly. I actually feel quite overwhelmed at times. But regardless, I see your life as a beautiful reminder that challenges me to do better and be more and to do what God has called me to do. One day in heaven I will look forward to meeting you, hugging you and telling you thank you in person.

What did 90 days of solitude do for me?

My therapist recently asked me this and I was puzzled. It did teach me a lot in that I leaned in and really delved into getting to know God and worshipping him on a new level. But what did God really mean for me to learn from it?

Later that night I had dinner with my friend and she said she thought it was preparing me for this journey I went on medically. I was very tired and ill and then hospitalized again homebound with the PICC line and wound vac. All in all it was over 12 weeks before I wasn't homebound and tired and weary.

She's right. I would have probably had a nervous breakdown if it had happened before my 90 Days of Solitude or if I hadn't obeyed and done the 90 Days of Solitude. I was tired and slept a lot and even though I had a lot of help with my house and with the girls there was still a lot of time left in the day. I wasn't mentally capable of a lot of bible study or complicated thought process due to a lot of medicine. Yet I was able to draw peace and not worry because my spirit was full. My spirit communed with God and knew what I needed.

Thank you Lord.

Unfinished Business

My first Sunday back at church since January 25th was AWESOME. And they sang one of my favorite songs. Take a moment to listen to it and worship!

I missed some of the key points of the sermon as it's a part of a series but the part that really stuck with me is Revelations 3:2-3. It reminds me of the song by KJ-52. I think for the past several months God has been telling me to wake up. To strengthen myself in him as my soul is dying and my job is not finished. In the Greek finish means to complete a debt, to end and to complete.

My goal today is to meditate on this and come back tonight with some thoughts on my unfinished business. Lord help me!

Today's Reflection: What is my unfinished business? How I do finish strong? Lord what do I do? I know your words and direction are there and I am getting glimpses. Reveal your word to me. Reveal your plan. Show me. Guide me. Help me finish!

Philippians 3:6 - He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

Today...

So I ended up having an infection (enterococcus) and ended up having surgery and IV antibiotics. The surgery was March 2. I was on vancomycin and zolstyn for 8 days. After surgery I was put on a wound vac. I went home with a PICC line, 2 more weeks of IV antibiotics (just the vancomycin) and the wound vac and homehealth care to facilitate it all. My husband and sister had to learn how to administer my IV antibiotics. It's now almost 7 weeks later and I still have the wound vac. I am doing well and I am praying to be off the wound vac in 2-3 weeks. The infection is gone and I am more mobile. I can drive and get of the house and am more active mentally and physically.

January 1st, I thought I knew what my 90 days of solitude had meant to teach me. I still think what I was thinking was correct but fairly narrow. I think God was shifting my focus. I was SO busy. If I had been that busy I am not sure how together my life would have stayed the last weeks. If I hadn't focused on God and developing my relationship with Him, I may have had a nervous breakdown. I am not sure. I am still pondering and thinking it all through.

It's been a long ordeal since my 1st original surgery on December 30th. I've had to depend on friends and family for food, housecleaning, helping my kids get back and forth, getting groceries etc. I was tired and healing for the most part but if I were truly honest I was hurting. I was angry. I was resentful. I wanted my life back. I wanted my routine. I didn't want other people taking care of my kids, my house, my responsibility. I felt like I had somehow abandoned all I wanted.

Then came a turning point. I didn't have to depend on others - I was able to. I spent years helping others. Now I was able to let others help me. That's truly how our christian community should be. A symbiotic relationship of give and take. Not a hierarchy of those who give and those who receive. It became humbling and spiritual rather than frustrating and humiliating. Rather than being frustrated cause I couldn't find a lid to a Tupperware container I felt thankful that someone washed my dishes.

I have so many thoughts churning through my mind and a part of me wants to blog it all tonight. But instead I will start with this - thank you. Thank you all for praying for me and my family. Thank you to those who helped with food and errands, for picking up the girls and taking them where they needed to go and for cleaning my house. Thank you to those who stopped to visit and bring me lunch and fellowship. Thank you for the sweet comments on this blog and by email or facebook.

Thank you. That's where I will start today! Tomorrow I will start with some of the thoughts I've had churning through my thoughts and heart.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who instead of giving advice, solutions or cures have chosen rather to share our pain & touch our wounds with a warm tender hand. -Henri Nouwen

Update

This blog will continue but wanted to let you all know I am in the hospital. I developed an infection due to my surgery. I had another surgery today and healing. It will start again. I hope you all stick it out with me.