Day 88

It's been a long day. I am in Monterrey and I miss my family terribly. I knew I would but I never realized how much. It was a stressful trip due to snow and ice and delays. My luggage didn't make it. Then I had a hard time finding a calling card and my phone which was supposed to allow me to call out and text won't do either. So I found my anxiety level rising.

I began to second guess myself and wonder if I was doing the right thing even though Brian and I felt that we had prayed through this decision to have reconstructive surgery. This journey has been about me focusing on God and less on others. About finding myself alone with God and not running from the quiet my soul longs for. I don't think this is just a coincidence that God started talking to me about this journey of solitude in early September then I plan to have surgery at this time - close to the end of this ninety days. God knew I was coming here. Being alone and relying solely on God was apart of his plan. Previously fear has just ruled my life. I've been scared of dying, scared of living, scared of being authentic, scared of being out of control, just plain scared of everything.

And in the middle of all this I thought of Salem. How on earth will I ever help her not live in fear and anxiety if I still do the same? I don't want her constantly afraid of everything and constantly second guessing herself. I have to face this fear head on. God has to help me defeat it. I don't want to just provide lip service and tell her how not to be afraid. I need to live it. I need to show her.

The reality is I am not alone. God is right here with me. I am ok. After my panic was over I calmed. I rested in God. I prayed some but the rest was more important. Sometimes it's necessary to be quiet and just rest in the Lord.

Today's Reflection: Lord I believe all will be ok tomorrow. I believe you are right here with me. I do not want to be afraid anymore. My hope is completely in you. You will be right here with me even if I am physically alone. I believe you have a plan for my life that doesn't end tomorrow. My fear today has actually had very little to do with the surgery but more so about being so overwhelmed at being alone. Lord show me right now that you are here with me. Envelope me in your presence. Comfort me with your love. Encourage me. Free me. Let this be the start of something new. I am never alone. I rebuke fear in the name of Jesus. I thank you lord that you have given me a sound mind. You are my peace. You are my hope. Remind me that the comfort and love of family, while so very precious, can never replace the love and intimacy I share with you. I want more. Give me more Lord.

Day 87

It's that time of year, when I tend to look back and see what I've accomplished or failed at the past year. I'm definitely a girl who makes resolutions. I know many people groan, roll their eyes and say really? But yes - really. There is something forgiving about the past year's mistakes and hugely inspiring and positive about a fresh new year. What I didn't accomplish is completely in the past and if it is something that is still on my radar I try to find a new way to make it work. My mind whirls with anticipation and excitement as I dream of my new goals for the new year.

And what about those things that I didn't accomplish? Well what about them? It's the past. Get over it already. In 2008 I bought a gym membership for $500 and only went twice, but so what? In 2009 I lost 90 pounds and worked out 5-6 days a week for 10 months. Things are often hit and miss. Sometimes its due to our own self-sabotage but if we don't have a goal in the first place what are we aiming for?

Breathe. Relax. It's a fresh new year. It gives me fresh perspective and helps me feel hopeful rather than hopeless. We have to stop, assess and regroup, look up to God for forgiveness and guidance, redesign those resolutions and start again. Making a resolution doesn't mean you won't have grace if you screw up. Isn't being a Christian all about grace and mercy? But it truly is a beacon of hope for many people. Even if you choose not to make a resolution - start fresh and be optimistic about 2010. We all have obstacles. My life is full of issues. But I am trying to center my focus on God. That doesn't make those issues resolve easier or magically disappear but it does help me handle them better. It helps me not be overwhelmed and to search for and embrace the right solution. It helps me dream about something better.

Life is too short to live a mediocre life filled with regrets. I am almost 42. I want to see God at work in my life - in my accomplishments and by helping me through my failures. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Have you ever wondered what that hope and future is? I do - almost everyday. Will you join me in seeking God in your resolutions for 2010? I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to live a life of no regrets.

Today's Reflection: God what do you want from me in 2010? What do you want me to say and do? What do you want me to concentrate on and what should I leave behind? What pleases you? Show me. Help me dream again. I want to know what you want from me. I want you to define it. I want to be in awe of you in every moment of every day and see you in all things so I can pray continually, worship fully and live joyfully.

Days 85 & 86

I was feeling rather sorry for myself when I wrote my last post. I have done quite a lot of work emotionally and spiritually and honestly I have felt somewhat abandoned lately in regards to two specific issues in my life that simply have not changed. In some ways they've even worsened. It's disheartening from an emotional standpoint. But again I find myself looking at these two areas and basing my happiness on what I see or don't see, rather than finding joy eternal in God in spite of that.

I know the answer is joy. The word clearly says the joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). While doing some brief study on joy I also found this scripture:

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17.

How can I be joyful? I believe that many times joy starts as a complete act of faith. Even when nothing seems like it can work out - be joyful. Joy aligns me with God and if I pray with ceasing and am continually praising and worshiping the father, even when by the world's standards I should be caving, joy turns my focus off my circumstances and gives me an eternal perspective. Joy always supersedes the moment. When the dark times come, I must lean further into God. I have to have that intimate connection with God. I will not worry or be anxious and will sin less when I am intimately connect with God. And if I am intimately connected with God, how can sadness and depression dwell there?

Today's Reflection: Father, I want to be so intimately connected to you, that you become more and more a part of me to where eventually there is more of you in me than there is of me. Lord you are mighty to save me. Mighty to deliver me. Save me and deliver me into joy. I want to live in excessive joy. As I lean into you, fill me. Let me overflow with joy, quiet joy, effervescent joy, bittersweet joy, joy in all occasions...complete, eternal joy.

Days 83 & 84

I really did have a beautiful Christmas Eve and Christmas. It was very laid back and unbusy for the first time in years. I was able to watch my children enjoy snow in West Texas, sleep late and enjoy Christmas Day with just Brian and the little girls. Thank you Lord for the blessing of helping me slow down. I crave it now. I realize how vital it is to my spiritual and emotional wellness. But days like today, doubt creeps in and I feel rather helpless in a couple of areas.

I do have a wonderful life and great things to be thankful for - a husband who love me, great children, a nice home, a business that supplies our needs and then some and wonderfully supportive friends. But on the fringe of all that's good I see these areas that I realize I am just helpless to change. I don't want control. I know for the most part I make things worse when I try to fix them. But more importantly, I want God to have control. I do realize that by giving God control, it means allowing myself to hurt. These issues probably won't self-correct and may get worse before they getter as I can only be responsible for my own reactions and corrections. But I want to believe that God's hand will touch these situations I am helpless in. I know in the advent season especially, I am reminded of the hope that came with Jesus' birth. Hope for salvation and eternity as well as hope through trials and tribulations.

Today's Reflection: Father thank you so much for the gift of the cross and Christ's ultimate sacrifice. Please remind me daily that I am not hopeless. My confidence is in you and that you have a plan for me. A plan to prosper me (emotionally, physically and spiritually) and not to harm me. A plan to give me a hope and a future. I believe that plan calls for reconciliation and deliverance in areas that I have no control over. I obviously do not have your insight. You know what is best God. Please shut doors that cannot be opened and open doors that cannot be shut. I do ask that you heal my broken heart. That you help me not let that hope inside me die. That it will blossom and something glorious will come to fruition.

Day 82

First of all I am a day behind on posting. I was going to rush this morning and try to get caught up so tonight I could post day 83 and I decided what does a day's post matter if it's stressing me out? I will just add another day and end the official 90 days on December 31st. How fitting is that? I am not sure what will happen January 1. I know this journaling has been therapeutic so I am sure I will keep it up. But I know God purposed something in my heart for these 90 days so I am excited to process and understand where I started and where I finished at the end of this 90 days. It's somewhat humbling to lay all the cards on the table and process everything out this way yet it's wildly freeing as well. So who knows what God has planned. I will simply follow.

Anyway...

After posting last night I got a text from a dear friend who I no longer get to see much since she is now in Pennsylvania and I'm in Texas. What she sent me really encouraged me and I want to share it.

"I just read your blog and for the record I don't think you have it all together. I do, however, think you are a beautiful mess. And I admire the fact that what you are going through is hard, but you're doing it anyway. And that you are allowing yourself the time and energy to do it. You deserve that. Not to be overly encouraging, but I am proud of you."

Thanks Judy. That's just what I needed to hear. She and a another friend know all of my stuff that stays hidden from the world at large, so they have a good idea of what I deal with in therapy and through prayer, etc. So I loved this response. I know she "gets" me. It made me realize that people close to me see that it's all not sunshine and roses, but they do see my growth and the positive forward movement.

I think God sees me as a beautiful mess as well. He created me to be this beautiful unique being of infinite worth and potential. He values and loves me beyond my comprehension. Yet somewhere along the way, the beauty he created was corrupted. Now I am struggling to find that beautiful girl he created. She's still in there. I get glimpses of her and God reminds me continually that she is who he created me to be. She's just covered in the mire of this world. But she is coming out and being renewed. She may have scars, but she is there and God has this amazing plan for her. I want that. I want it now but I know I am in a process to get there and find her. Sometimes I just put the cart before the horse in my hurry and excitement.

Today's Reflection: Lord as I strive to be closer to you I often feel less worthy to be in your presence. I know that is an attack from the enemy and I refuse to allow myself to go back there. But on the other hand I don't want to think more of myself than I need to. We've talked about this before Lord - balance is such a fine line. I know you are right here holding my hand and helping me balance. If I get stubborn, please remind me that I can't do it on my own. I need your guidance, your touch, and your presence not to fall off. I treasure where I am at today Lord. I often want to finish this journey and get to where you want me to be, but for today I don't want to miss where I am at while looking at the long term prize. I don't want to miss the beauty that is right here in my life today. Thank you Lord for this life (and even for the little girls who interrupt with screaming while I am trying to finish this blog. Off to be the mom).

Day 81

The more I embrace and experience my feelings the more out of sync I seem to feel. I think this is key to my emotional wellness because when I stuff and react I feel in control. But when I allow myself to experience and simply be I don't know how to respond. I feel as if I am sinking but I'm really not. It's such a paradox.

I don't want to be a control freak. I try to let the little things go. I try to really slow down and think through my responses and sometimes just not respond rather than respond in anger. But there has to be something in between nothing and anger. What is it? How I can let someone know they've hurt me or I am concerned about something without them seeing it as an attack? They've seen the old Leah for so long that even my gentle, considerate responses are often met with hesitation. Sigh. I feel as if I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I am this big emotional mess inside at times (more often than not these days) and people still think I have it all together. The ironic thing is the more I try not to pretend that I have it together the more people applaud my efforts and encourage me and thing I do have it together. It almost drives me crazy. In fact the further along I walk on this journey the less together I feel. The only thing holding me together is God and his presence and his grace. And I think that's how it's truly supposed to be. God's grace is truly sufficient for me.

Today's Reflection: Embracing emotions is so tiring Lord. It is so much easier to avoid or blow up even though I know long term it will destroy me. Some days I really want to give up - especially when I have to deal with conflict. I've always been one to tackle conflict head on. Now I hate it pure and simple. I want to be kind and encouraging but sometimes confrontation must happen but I often feel it's not well received so I avoid it. That puts me back in my old pattern so I can't keep doing that. Lord please walk before me like a banner so people will see you in me. Please let nothing in me be reminiscent of the old Leah who is dying to self. Let them see you in me so I may find favor in those situations where I need to confront or talk about a really hard subject. I don't expect people will always receive what I say or be in complete agreement, but please show me how to approach them so they will hear me, acknowledge me and love me regardless of how much or little they agree with what I say.

Days 79 & 80

It's been a tiring but fun weekend. It feels nice not to run around like a chicken with my head cut off. I don't have anything wrapped but I have plenty of time for that. I've had a good couple of days. Korie is here and we've had fun shopping and spending time with the girls.

One thing I have realized is that I am fairly sensitive these days. My feelings have been hurt deeply twice this weekend. I've really processed both of these incidents through and both times I really hadn't done anything to justify receiving such rude words. In the past I would have gotten angry and then in my anger and sinned and yelled or said something cutting in an effort to defend myself. Instead these times I didn't say anything and walked away. I am not sure that is the correct response either but I didn't feel safe confronting it and saying hey you're hurting my feelings. Both situations were in front of other people. I was embarrassed as well as hurt and wanted the entire situation to die.

The more I think of it the more I realize I should have said something but with a kind hurt. There is such a fine line between being angry and hurt and sinning in reaction to that anger and hurt. I am not sure what would have been the appropriate response? Ideas?

Today's Reflection: Lord I am at such a loss at times. For every step forward I take I often feel I take 10 steps backwards. I feel as if I just don't know how to be. I almost detest this rush of emotions I feel in dealing withe these emotions. But stuffing them as I did in the past didn't help so this is better but not quite where I need to be. Please show me how to be safe in my emotions. I want to feel emotional freedom to be sad or angry or depressed but not stay in it. I want to express those feelings and process them so I can move on. What would have been the appropriate responses? Show me Lord.