A New Normal - Prelude

First of all let's say my plans to keep blogging during recovery were crazy. I am just three weeks post op and am SO tired and need more rest and down time than I realize. I've been quite emotional and feel vulnerable because I can't even clean my house or make my bed. It's humbling but I think God is continuing his work in me. I feel God's presence but I am tired and doing less bible study. I long to dive back in but cannot concentrate. I was sad and emotional last night and talking to God and he gave me a lot of peace. He has a plan it just wasn't as immediate as my Type A personality wanted it to be.

I am going to strive to keep solitude a part of my daily life and God gave me a new direction for the next 90 days that I am going to start this weekend. I've realized that I've changed SO much the past year and have taken down so many walls and removed so many masks I am not sure who I really am at heart still. I am different physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My temperment is different. I am feeling all these emotions that I haven't felt in years. It scares me but it excites me more. I feel such hope but it is surreal. I have often in the past wanted to be normal. Well normal is a myth really if being normal is being like someone else, etc. But I want to embrace this change and let it take me further. My old normal was frustrated and angry and hurt and bitter and generally miserable. I want to see where this new normal is taking me. I want to continue to embrace it and let it evolve within me and not grow stagnant. I just know I need to continue to find Leah.

Follow Up

I am home and resting and healing and praying. I am working on compiling my testimony as well. I appreciate your prayers. I am not spending too much time on here yet as I've been gone from home for 9 days and want to spend the time I am not resting and healing with my family.

But God's got a plan for this blog. :) Check back this week. Probably Wednesday.

Day 90

I've been pondering this post for the past three days. When I started this journey I was completely unsure where it would take me. To be honest I did think there would be some "huge" defining moment when I would completely know what God was doing with me. And while I do know more, I also know less. It's as if the closer we lean into God, the more we realize we need to work through. But this is what I do know:

What the past 90 days has accomplished:

1. Teaching me to be less distracted by things that consume me or make me anxious. Way less TV (especially news) and way less time online. It all kept my mind so hyper alive that I couldn't hear my soul cry out for God.

2. To be...I was a doer. I still am to a degree. And it's ok to do. But it's not ok to do do do and never be. Even in the midst of awful circumstances we need to be so we can heal. Being still quietens our hearts and our minds so we can listen to God. I completely believe that.

3. I've totally leaned into God. I've done more prayer and bible study in the past 90 days than I probably have in ten years. I've learned how to cultivate intimacy with God.

But what else? I'm not sure. I actually think that's a lot for 90 days, but being the perfectionist I am, it's hard not to be somewhat disappointed. Am I where I need to be? Have I missed something somewhere? To be honest I just haven't figured that out. All I know is I have a lot of peace. I am no longer spiritually stagnant. I feel rejuevanated. I feel God right here with me at all times. I do feel more vulnerable and anxious than I have in years but I think that's because I've finally opened the door to my heart to feel, thus I am bound to feel vulnerable and anxious. Thus I want to be in this moment even though its scary. I think God wants me vulnerable as a reminder that I can't or shouldn't do this life on my own. When I feel vulnerable I tend to want to shut down and shut people out. I don't want that anymore.

So where does that leave me today? I think for now I am going to keep doing what I am doing. I have an almost 6 week recovery ahead of me. I can definitely use that time to lean in further to God to see what's next. I do want more. I do want a ministry and I do want to keep balance in my life. I think the past 90 days was the beginning of a lifetime journey. Perhaps not one where I journal every single day but who knows. I think it's very therapeutic for me. I haven't written in years before I started writing this blog. I used to journal and even write poetry. I would love to be inspired to write poetry again.

Today's Reflection: It's 2010. I have no clue what you have planned for me this year but I am expecting a lot Lord. You fought for me and you showed me how to fight for myself. I love you and I want more of you. Rain down on me.

Day 89

I miss life. I feel as if I am in a stasis mode here while I am recovering. I am recovering well and praying a lot but haven't felt up to reading or doing much else. I want to figure out what God has meant this journey for me to be. I think in part I was taking things for granted. I had people around me. I was the backbone of a lot. And I certainly not God wants me to focus on him and not the stuff - the extras. But what else God? What else?

Please show me. Please use this time to reveal your word to me. Give me a glimpse of what you'd have me to. I am excited to move forward and do something for you. Show me.

Today's Reflection: Lord I am pretty tired but I am blessed that my family is well and I am well. I am so thankful that you are right here with me healing me and making me whole.

Day 88

It's been a long day. I am in Monterrey and I miss my family terribly. I knew I would but I never realized how much. It was a stressful trip due to snow and ice and delays. My luggage didn't make it. Then I had a hard time finding a calling card and my phone which was supposed to allow me to call out and text won't do either. So I found my anxiety level rising.

I began to second guess myself and wonder if I was doing the right thing even though Brian and I felt that we had prayed through this decision to have reconstructive surgery. This journey has been about me focusing on God and less on others. About finding myself alone with God and not running from the quiet my soul longs for. I don't think this is just a coincidence that God started talking to me about this journey of solitude in early September then I plan to have surgery at this time - close to the end of this ninety days. God knew I was coming here. Being alone and relying solely on God was apart of his plan. Previously fear has just ruled my life. I've been scared of dying, scared of living, scared of being authentic, scared of being out of control, just plain scared of everything.

And in the middle of all this I thought of Salem. How on earth will I ever help her not live in fear and anxiety if I still do the same? I don't want her constantly afraid of everything and constantly second guessing herself. I have to face this fear head on. God has to help me defeat it. I don't want to just provide lip service and tell her how not to be afraid. I need to live it. I need to show her.

The reality is I am not alone. God is right here with me. I am ok. After my panic was over I calmed. I rested in God. I prayed some but the rest was more important. Sometimes it's necessary to be quiet and just rest in the Lord.

Today's Reflection: Lord I believe all will be ok tomorrow. I believe you are right here with me. I do not want to be afraid anymore. My hope is completely in you. You will be right here with me even if I am physically alone. I believe you have a plan for my life that doesn't end tomorrow. My fear today has actually had very little to do with the surgery but more so about being so overwhelmed at being alone. Lord show me right now that you are here with me. Envelope me in your presence. Comfort me with your love. Encourage me. Free me. Let this be the start of something new. I am never alone. I rebuke fear in the name of Jesus. I thank you lord that you have given me a sound mind. You are my peace. You are my hope. Remind me that the comfort and love of family, while so very precious, can never replace the love and intimacy I share with you. I want more. Give me more Lord.

Day 87

It's that time of year, when I tend to look back and see what I've accomplished or failed at the past year. I'm definitely a girl who makes resolutions. I know many people groan, roll their eyes and say really? But yes - really. There is something forgiving about the past year's mistakes and hugely inspiring and positive about a fresh new year. What I didn't accomplish is completely in the past and if it is something that is still on my radar I try to find a new way to make it work. My mind whirls with anticipation and excitement as I dream of my new goals for the new year.

And what about those things that I didn't accomplish? Well what about them? It's the past. Get over it already. In 2008 I bought a gym membership for $500 and only went twice, but so what? In 2009 I lost 90 pounds and worked out 5-6 days a week for 10 months. Things are often hit and miss. Sometimes its due to our own self-sabotage but if we don't have a goal in the first place what are we aiming for?

Breathe. Relax. It's a fresh new year. It gives me fresh perspective and helps me feel hopeful rather than hopeless. We have to stop, assess and regroup, look up to God for forgiveness and guidance, redesign those resolutions and start again. Making a resolution doesn't mean you won't have grace if you screw up. Isn't being a Christian all about grace and mercy? But it truly is a beacon of hope for many people. Even if you choose not to make a resolution - start fresh and be optimistic about 2010. We all have obstacles. My life is full of issues. But I am trying to center my focus on God. That doesn't make those issues resolve easier or magically disappear but it does help me handle them better. It helps me not be overwhelmed and to search for and embrace the right solution. It helps me dream about something better.

Life is too short to live a mediocre life filled with regrets. I am almost 42. I want to see God at work in my life - in my accomplishments and by helping me through my failures. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Have you ever wondered what that hope and future is? I do - almost everyday. Will you join me in seeking God in your resolutions for 2010? I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to live a life of no regrets.

Today's Reflection: God what do you want from me in 2010? What do you want me to say and do? What do you want me to concentrate on and what should I leave behind? What pleases you? Show me. Help me dream again. I want to know what you want from me. I want you to define it. I want to be in awe of you in every moment of every day and see you in all things so I can pray continually, worship fully and live joyfully.

Days 85 & 86

I was feeling rather sorry for myself when I wrote my last post. I have done quite a lot of work emotionally and spiritually and honestly I have felt somewhat abandoned lately in regards to two specific issues in my life that simply have not changed. In some ways they've even worsened. It's disheartening from an emotional standpoint. But again I find myself looking at these two areas and basing my happiness on what I see or don't see, rather than finding joy eternal in God in spite of that.

I know the answer is joy. The word clearly says the joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). While doing some brief study on joy I also found this scripture:

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17.

How can I be joyful? I believe that many times joy starts as a complete act of faith. Even when nothing seems like it can work out - be joyful. Joy aligns me with God and if I pray with ceasing and am continually praising and worshiping the father, even when by the world's standards I should be caving, joy turns my focus off my circumstances and gives me an eternal perspective. Joy always supersedes the moment. When the dark times come, I must lean further into God. I have to have that intimate connection with God. I will not worry or be anxious and will sin less when I am intimately connect with God. And if I am intimately connected with God, how can sadness and depression dwell there?

Today's Reflection: Father, I want to be so intimately connected to you, that you become more and more a part of me to where eventually there is more of you in me than there is of me. Lord you are mighty to save me. Mighty to deliver me. Save me and deliver me into joy. I want to live in excessive joy. As I lean into you, fill me. Let me overflow with joy, quiet joy, effervescent joy, bittersweet joy, joy in all occasions...complete, eternal joy.