Change

Anyone who knows me knows I am resistant to change. Even good change. It's borderline ridiculous at times. Most of the time change is good. We evolve, we grow, we move forward. Yet I still resist. I like routine and structure and knowing what's going to happen. I like having the same thing for breakfast, knowing what the girls and I are going to do that day and having weekend plans scheduled in advance. I am not very spontaneous and that coupled with change can be stressful for me.

For instance today seemed to punctuate the change in my life this year. This time last year I spent the 4th with my closest friends and their families, 2 of whom moved shortly there after and the other who is moving soon. It actually was a nice day but it was somewhat stressful. As I tried to be the good hostess and be helpful and fun I couldn't help but be a tad sad. It rained almost all day. The friends who were here last year weren't here this year except for one friend's husband who recently returned from Afghanistan. He is moving soon to reunite with his family and change bases. So today may be the last day we see him. I was very glad he was here, but being here did emphasis how different from last year it was.

By the end of the day, everyone else had said their goodbyes and a picture had been taken. I waited til the room cleared out and said my goodbye, got my hug and then unexpectedly he said very sweet words to me. He said he could see the changes in me - not just the obvious physical ones but the emotional as well. At that moment I was so incredibly thankful that someone took a moment to share that they had noticed. It wasn't a long drawn out thing - just an acknowledgement. I needed it. I've been so tired emotionally the past 6 weeks. It blessed me beyond measure.

He left and I stayed in the kitchen for a bit. I didn't want to cry. Ty would ask why not cry and to be honest I am tired of crying. I don't want to stuff it all in but I am tired of my emotions. And on top of that there were just too many people around and I just didn't want to deal with it. Now at 11 at night with the family asleep it's easier to give in and be sad and yes cry.

But if I am completely honest, I am tired of facing my emotions, feeling them and embracing them etc. In the end I will be thankful for the healing change they bring. Perhaps even tomorrow I will be thankful. But for right now I am tired. I am also tired of therapy and self-discovery and continually feeling as if I am trudging uphill in this battle towards spiritual and emotional healing and well being.

A part of me wants a hiatus from all this change. I want to curl up in my bed with a book, the remote control and my phone so I can text and play Words with Friends rather than drive to Lubbock tomorrow to see Ty. Earlier today I couldn't wait for tomorrow and now I dread going. But tomorrow is a new day so I will go to sleep tonight meditating on that thought and praying for God's best.

Side Note: I shared my story with one person (very edited but still)...And I emailed someone about scheduling a Sozo. That is positive change.

Today's Gonna Be A Good Day...

I woke up with the Black Eyed Pea's song - It's Gonna Be A Good Night (or whatever it's called) on my mind. So I changed it and have been singing...

I got a feeling
...today's gonna be a good day
...today's gonna be a good day
...today's gonna be a good good day

It's hard to sing that and be sad. It's silly but something so simple has cheered me up immensely. Life is still stressful. My problems haven't magically resolved, my feelings are still hurt and I'm still lonely. But it's a beautiful day.

I am blessed and have decided to concentrate on what I am good at.

• I am faithful to those I love. I love very well.
• I am tender-hearted. This is both a fault and a strength. Most weaknesses can be strengths if you channel them correctly.
  
• I work out HARD. :) I may not be the best at it but you can't beat my determination.
• I have faith that things will get better.
• My loneliness encourages me to strive forward to find the right friendship. God has made me for community. He encourages me continually in this area. I just need to not give up.

Today's gonna be a good day. Thank you Lord.

Nothing is Impossible

Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying I will try again tomorrow.

I saw the above quote on a friend's facebook page tonight and it really hit me hard. The past two weeks have been very hard. I have felt quite defeated and very alone. At times I feel as if it doesn't matter what I do - it's two steps forward one step back. No matter what gains I make, the losses seem to outweigh the wins. It's completely tiring.

I've been really struggling to understand where I am at. My trainer asked me today if I realized how strong I was. I had to be honest and say not usually. I am catching glimpses of how strong I am getting physically. I have range of motion back in my arm, my nerve damage feels less noticeable when I am working out and I am loving my Art of Strength training. But emotionally I still feel broken and unusable. I feel as if I am that ugly broken pitcher that's been put back together with glue but not one wants to use it but they also don't want to get rid of it. I am just there. It's an odd word picture but I continually see myself as that broken pitcher. The scars will always be there. Some days they literally do not bother me. Today they do.

But the author of the above quote is right. I am strong physically and emotionally and spiritually. I will make it. Nothing is impossible. Even if my goal seems so very far away and barely visible a times, it's still there reminding me where I need to get to. In the distance yes - but still visible, thus attainable. I didn't make it today but I will try again tomorrow.

Thank you Lord for another chance tomorrow.

The Story of Me

Salem constantly asks us to tell her her baby story. So Brian tells her about being conceived and sharing space in mommy's tummy with Angel and Brynna. Her face just lights up when he tells the story. I thought this would eventually segue into a sex talk but she's almost 8 and has never asked about sex or why boys are different or why a baby should have a mommy or a daddy, etc. So I decided that the next time she asked to hear her baby story we'd use that as a way to step forward into learning about sex.

I have to admit this topic has always brought up a huge level of anxiety for me. It's as if by stepping forward in this I had to embrace my past. I also didn't want to bring my baggage into it, so I read and prayed and asked for friends advice and ultimately bought The Story of Me. It's a simple starter book that gives basic information, yet it opened the floodgates to questions. I was so happy to answer them. Even sweet Raina asked a simple question. I am so happy it went so well. The anxiety just drifted away as we read the story and started talking. It was funny though that Brian was in the room while we were reading the book and when I asked Salem if she had questions she started whispering. So dear sweet dad took this as a cue for some mommy daughter time.

Now the girls are asleep and our first official "sex" talk is out of the way and I have a few moments to reflect. As I sit here, I realize my anxiety is from the intensity of childhood "stuff" this is bringing up in me. I've been dealing with this "stuff" for a while but it's been hard to really get into it. It's as if the last 18 months of therapy, I've been going through stacking boxes of issues and this is the last box...that last big thing I have to work on to truly have the past in the past. And the scary thing is I don't know everything that is in the box. I have certain concrete memories but a lot of vague, fleeting memories. What scares me is what could be there when I fully open the box.

I love my mom and grandparents and I know they loved me - but I do wish things had been different, safer...

I wish I didn't have that memory of me and a family member when I was a young girl...

I wish I didn't have those vague memories of me and my stepfather...

I wish I wish I wish... I have a thousand wishes.

Those unfulfilled wishes hurt a lot. The grief is intense, probably because I've never really allowed myself to feel them before. Also I know some of these things happened around my girl's ages. But when I look at Salem and Raina my hope is renewed. I may not have had what I wanted or needed all the time as a child, but they will. I cannot be the perfect mom, but I do want to be the mom I am called to be.

I believe in healing. I know God can and will heal my brokenness. I am a work in progress certainly. But I wonder if on some level I will always have a few of those wishes tucked away inside. I've always tried to hide or ignore that hurt little girl inside of me, but right now I think she needs me more than I need to hide her away.

So rather than hide or disregard those childhood wishes, I want to acknowledge them and work through but also transcend them. I want to heal and move forward. And I want my girls to grow up with a healthy sense of their own sexuality and God's plan for that in their lives. And as I talk with them, I grow myself. I see in my own heart what I need to face and work through. It scares me. But ignoring it has never worked before.

It's time to start some hard work...

My Intentional Summer

For the past two summers I've wanted the girls to have fun filled memories filled with love, laughter and spontaneity. To be honest, I lacked a lot of the follow through that many things needed. I had great ideas but no follow through. Thus I needed a plan. Without one I easily forget or get sidetracked doing a 1001 things that are important but not necessarily what I need to be doing. So a friend suggested this which she found at the a friend of mine suggested this which she saw at the Whatever blog.

With this in mind, earlier tonight - Dad, the girls and I just made our own! Salem especially was excited and suggested a millions ideas. When I asked Raina what she wanted to do all she suggested was to play at Sonic (at the one with the playground). Thus our list was created.

Now that the girls are in bed and the poster hung up it got me thinking about where I am at spiritually and what I am doing to help the girls develop their own spirituality. Thus I made one for me.

I want to be spontaneous but to a large degree I am just not wired that way. So rather than obsess on how to change that I am going to try embracing my planning nature and let myself be scheduled and intentional but with the goal of not going over board.

I hope some of you will join with me. Let me know if you do so I can follow your journey.

Where am I now...

It's hard to state where I am right now. There are a lot of areas I am still working on including body image, anxiety, mixed emotions regarding relationships and not knowing exactly where God has me going. It's hard to articulate at times.

What I do know is that I love to write and blog and want to continue. I do not know if it should be in a general style or something more thematic and concrete. I have ideas for 3 different books in my head so I do need to start working on one of those as well.

In general my goal this summer is to blog three times a week. I have to devote the rest of the time to the girls. Summer flies by. I don't remember having a ton of fond memories of summer and I want my girls to have that. I want to laze around the pool, go to the park and on playdates and sleep late and cuddle. I just want to be with them. Blogging is important to me, but second to them.

I do know that I want to live my life intentionally rather than accidentally. I want to do what I was created to do rather than just going with the flow and doing what I think I have to do or what others may expect of me. I want to know why I am alive and I want to accept that responsibility and allow God to create in me the life he is calling me towards. I want to live the life I was meant to live - the life only I can live. My alternative is to live a life I am not called to. Perhaps a life that someone else was meant to live.

I do know that I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am meant to write and speak. Beyond that I still don't know.

God please show me.

Vow Renewal

I have a 1000 thoughts I want to blog about. So many thoughts, so many spiritual questions, so many ponderings. But I am busy. I am in a short season of busyness. Thankfully it's not my norm. But May is notorious for being busy. It's the last month of school, graduations (we know 5 college graduations and 4 high school graduates), Raina's birthday, Brian's dad's birthday and this year we added our vow renewal.

So my thoughts will wait a tad longer. I am jotting down ideas as I think of them so I can blog soon. Blogging helps me succintly decide what I think. I really have to ponder and research in order to publish it. I love that accountablity. It also helps me grow spiritually and emotionally as well as hone my writing skills. Yet that will have to wait. But in the interim, I thought I would share our vow renewal plan for this Saturday.

Our pastor: I’d like to welcome you to Jacob’s Dream and to the vow renewal of Brian and Leah ****. Jacob’s Dream is a beautiful place for Brian and Leah. A place of peace and promise which is why they chose to renew their vows here today. Brian and Leah have been married for 12 years and in that time have built a family that includes their daughter Korie, Salem who is almost 8, Raina who turns 5 on Monday and they adopted Larrah in 2006. They also have Brynna and Angel in heaven. The lord has greatly blessed their family. But they have struggled through hard times as well. On their wedding day they pledged their love in sickness and in health and for better or for worse. The past few years have tested those vows but their enduring love for one another has prevailed. Thus we are here today with family and friends to celebrate and renew their continued commitment to one another. To reaffirm the life together and renew the vows of love, honor and fidelity that brought them together 12 years ago.

(Brian's Dad): Please join your hands and repeat after me:

In the presence of God, family and friends, I now choose to continue my life with you. And in recommitting to you, I renew my vows of love, loyalty and friendship. I am delighted today, in the presence of God and these witnesses, to reaffirm my commitment to you, and once again, to promise to love you, honor you, and comfort you, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better and for worse, as long as we both shall live.

Prayer & Communion