The Story of Me

Salem constantly asks us to tell her her baby story. So Brian tells her about being conceived and sharing space in mommy's tummy with Angel and Brynna. Her face just lights up when he tells the story. I thought this would eventually segue into a sex talk but she's almost 8 and has never asked about sex or why boys are different or why a baby should have a mommy or a daddy, etc. So I decided that the next time she asked to hear her baby story we'd use that as a way to step forward into learning about sex.

I have to admit this topic has always brought up a huge level of anxiety for me. It's as if by stepping forward in this I had to embrace my past. I also didn't want to bring my baggage into it, so I read and prayed and asked for friends advice and ultimately bought The Story of Me. It's a simple starter book that gives basic information, yet it opened the floodgates to questions. I was so happy to answer them. Even sweet Raina asked a simple question. I am so happy it went so well. The anxiety just drifted away as we read the story and started talking. It was funny though that Brian was in the room while we were reading the book and when I asked Salem if she had questions she started whispering. So dear sweet dad took this as a cue for some mommy daughter time.

Now the girls are asleep and our first official "sex" talk is out of the way and I have a few moments to reflect. As I sit here, I realize my anxiety is from the intensity of childhood "stuff" this is bringing up in me. I've been dealing with this "stuff" for a while but it's been hard to really get into it. It's as if the last 18 months of therapy, I've been going through stacking boxes of issues and this is the last box...that last big thing I have to work on to truly have the past in the past. And the scary thing is I don't know everything that is in the box. I have certain concrete memories but a lot of vague, fleeting memories. What scares me is what could be there when I fully open the box.

I love my mom and grandparents and I know they loved me - but I do wish things had been different, safer...

I wish I didn't have that memory of me and a family member when I was a young girl...

I wish I didn't have those vague memories of me and my stepfather...

I wish I wish I wish... I have a thousand wishes.

Those unfulfilled wishes hurt a lot. The grief is intense, probably because I've never really allowed myself to feel them before. Also I know some of these things happened around my girl's ages. But when I look at Salem and Raina my hope is renewed. I may not have had what I wanted or needed all the time as a child, but they will. I cannot be the perfect mom, but I do want to be the mom I am called to be.

I believe in healing. I know God can and will heal my brokenness. I am a work in progress certainly. But I wonder if on some level I will always have a few of those wishes tucked away inside. I've always tried to hide or ignore that hurt little girl inside of me, but right now I think she needs me more than I need to hide her away.

So rather than hide or disregard those childhood wishes, I want to acknowledge them and work through but also transcend them. I want to heal and move forward. And I want my girls to grow up with a healthy sense of their own sexuality and God's plan for that in their lives. And as I talk with them, I grow myself. I see in my own heart what I need to face and work through. It scares me. But ignoring it has never worked before.

It's time to start some hard work...