Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Not So Alone

I've had a lot of time to think today and have strongly realized how I am truly not alone. I feel the spirit of God with me most days in strong tangible ways. I have beautiful children that I spend most of my days with and to be honest even though I have hard moments with them most of my days with them aren't hard. Thus I am really not alone either physically or spiritually. For the most part if I really needed someone I could find someone. Knowing this doesn't erase those intense feelings of loneliness that seem to suffocate me at times or make me less envious of those that seem to have beautiful relationships outside their spouse and family. But it does help.

And the more I think about this the more I think that there are other women out there like me who, for whatever reason, don't click well with friends and wonder what's wrong with them and their relationships as well. I think it's far more common than most people realize. Women are mysterious creatures. We want the world to believe we have it all together when really we don't. We set ourselves up for failure from the start. We want to be the perfect wife, mother and homemaker. We want the world to think we have it together and don't need help, even when we're drowning and need help the most. I think some women have attained that balance of relationships and when to reach out for help without drowning others in the process (i.e. being too needy). But the more I think about this the more I think women are scared to reach out. We're scared to be real.

I remember something else Ty asked me on Monday. He said if all this were for one purpose what would it be? I said to help someone not be so alone in going through something painful. But in order to do that I must experience it. That's the not so glorious side of it.

I am a great motivator. I love to plan and encourage and educate and help others. And in those strengths I think I am reaching out to others to motivate and encourage and help me in return. But it's a silent outreach. By being motivating and encouraging I hope to be motivated and encouraged in return yet I never verbalize that. But sometimes you just need to tell people what you need. That's what I am going to work on this week.

In the last 24 hours I made a great advance towards this. I emailed two new friends a large portion of my "God Story" and I found that there are women out there who struggle the way I do and I am having lunch with someone with a similar struggle as mine next week.

I am very thankful God led me to blog so openly. It was so very hard to do at first but not only is it developing me spiritually it's helping me reach out when I really do not have the words to do so.


Mandy July 7, 2010 at 8:29 PM  

This is beautiful, and speaks tons of truth about me! I feel so much like you do - except for that I am home alone with the kids a lot due to husband's job, so I feel utterly alone so much. I have friends that I can pick up the phone and call.. but very few that I'd feel comfortable to call and say "I'm kinda lonely.. wanna come hang out?" We have tons of people over here all of the time... yet I struggle to feel REALLY close to anyone. I think you're right.. we women are just so mysterious...

Leah July 7, 2010 at 8:33 PM  

I think we see it as a weakness to reach out. I think for some reason we feel we have to be superwomen and a part of that is being alone when we can reach out. Brian goes through cycles. For instance in June I seldom saw him. Right now he's around a lot. Christmas light season I won't see him. It just depends on the job and the work. Some days I do feel that utter aloneness. I do have a lot of people I can schedule playdates with but sometimes we just need those people around that we can be our messy selves, not the put together selves.

Thanks for posting Mandy. It helps me in knowing I am not alone. I hope you can find that balance too of how to reach out to others as well. I know it's a struggle.

PinkPowerRangerMom July 8, 2010 at 3:28 PM  

I completely related to your post and to what Mandy commented. It is hard being a woman. My husband and kids don't understand when I say, I just feeling down or out of sync. And it is soo hard to say to a friend "hey i need a hug" or " can we just hang out I need some company" So much of our day is scheduled around kids and family, playdates and errands. that we seem to lose ourselves.

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