Sunday, January 3, 2010

Day 90

I've been pondering this post for the past three days. When I started this journey I was completely unsure where it would take me. To be honest I did think there would be some "huge" defining moment when I would completely know what God was doing with me. And while I do know more, I also know less. It's as if the closer we lean into God, the more we realize we need to work through. But this is what I do know:

What the past 90 days has accomplished:

1. Teaching me to be less distracted by things that consume me or make me anxious. Way less TV (especially news) and way less time online. It all kept my mind so hyper alive that I couldn't hear my soul cry out for God.

2. To be...I was a doer. I still am to a degree. And it's ok to do. But it's not ok to do do do and never be. Even in the midst of awful circumstances we need to be so we can heal. Being still quietens our hearts and our minds so we can listen to God. I completely believe that.

3. I've totally leaned into God. I've done more prayer and bible study in the past 90 days than I probably have in ten years. I've learned how to cultivate intimacy with God.

But what else? I'm not sure. I actually think that's a lot for 90 days, but being the perfectionist I am, it's hard not to be somewhat disappointed. Am I where I need to be? Have I missed something somewhere? To be honest I just haven't figured that out. All I know is I have a lot of peace. I am no longer spiritually stagnant. I feel rejuevanated. I feel God right here with me at all times. I do feel more vulnerable and anxious than I have in years but I think that's because I've finally opened the door to my heart to feel, thus I am bound to feel vulnerable and anxious. Thus I want to be in this moment even though its scary. I think God wants me vulnerable as a reminder that I can't or shouldn't do this life on my own. When I feel vulnerable I tend to want to shut down and shut people out. I don't want that anymore.

So where does that leave me today? I think for now I am going to keep doing what I am doing. I have an almost 6 week recovery ahead of me. I can definitely use that time to lean in further to God to see what's next. I do want more. I do want a ministry and I do want to keep balance in my life. I think the past 90 days was the beginning of a lifetime journey. Perhaps not one where I journal every single day but who knows. I think it's very therapeutic for me. I haven't written in years before I started writing this blog. I used to journal and even write poetry. I would love to be inspired to write poetry again.

Today's Reflection: It's 2010. I have no clue what you have planned for me this year but I am expecting a lot Lord. You fought for me and you showed me how to fight for myself. I love you and I want more of you. Rain down on me.


Trish January 3, 2010 at 7:22 PM  

I've appreciated following you through the last few weeks of this exercise. I see a lot of similarities between us and know that I need to find a way to incorporate some of this into my life.

Blessings to you for the coming year!

sheri January 3, 2010 at 10:59 PM  

You know, I think it's amazing what God has done in you and shown you in the last ninety days! And some of what you have discovered took me years (with counseling) to finally "get" and like you, I'm still not sure I'm "there" yet either. Allowing myself to be vulnerable or exposed is still so frightening but I've learned that when I'm vulnerable, God often does His best work...and am so much stronger for it. I am anxious to see what God has in store for both of us.

Coupon Clippin' Mommy January 10, 2010 at 8:49 AM  

wow that's awesome. I'm following from MBC. Come check me out here:

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