Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Day 35

A few weeks ago I really put myself out there and reached out to a group of women in search of a mentor type friend. Someone that I could share my heart with and really be transparent with. Today I had lunch with one of these women today and it really blessed my spirit. It seemed so natural. We just talked and related and affirmed each other. I was able to share with her about my rock bottom experience last fall. It was very refreshing for me to be able to be so straightforward about the past and about current issues I am dealing with. That lunch was a a true blessing to me.

As I later reflected on our conversation, I began thinking of what I am passionate about. I am passionate about being a Godly wife and mother. Outside of that I'm just not sure. I have decided I enjoy writing again. But more than anything else I realize I'm just really getting comfortable with who I am and who I am called to be for the first time in my life. Somehow I'd like to translate that into ministry.

I told my lunch date that I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do except that I knew I wanted to help women not get lost and to reclaim their identities. I became a Christian in 1995 yet I never really saw myself the way Christ saw me. Thus I lived in shame and fear. That coupled with some life altering events and the next thing I know it's 2008 and I have no clue to who I am. I felt like a lost soul with not much of an identity.

I see other women and I wonder if any of those ladies are like me. Are they just going through the motions and doing what they have to do to make it through the day? Are they missing out on something special because they've lost their identity in the day to day busyness of life?

I used to be VERY equipped at doing everything I was asked. I seldom said no and I pretty much got it all done. But what few people saw behind the scenes was how tired and mentally taxed I became or how late I stayed up every night to get the bare minimum done around my house or how often projects kept me so busy that I couldn't take 10 minutes here and there to spend time with my girls. I was every one's go to person. I handled everyone else's problems but completely ignored my own self care. I was snappy and easily frustrated at the very least.

That was just a year ago. I look back at that time and it seems so long ago. I am so very different from the Leah that existed last year. I am happier, healthier, spiritually more developed and a better wife and mother. But I had to love and take care of myself and let God work in me to heal me to become the Leah I am today. I definitely have not arrived but the Leah I was last year is almost gone. In her place is a women who seeks God and takes care of herself so she can better minister to her family and friends and anyone God sends her way.

If I were to set one goal it would be to develop a minister that would help women identify with who God wants them to be. I would want to help them escape the Wonder Woman mentality. I think as Christian women we think we have to be Wonder Woman to fulfill Proverbs 31. But now I wonder what we're missing. Because in the new testament God says everything is permissible but not beneficial. I think the Proverbs 31 woman deserves further exploration which I plan to start soon.

Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying. God does mean for us to be productive. But do we have to say yes to everything to be Godly women? What things do I say yes to that are wonderful volunteer opportunities or projects but take time away from me and my family as well as my time with God?

Just tonight I felt God gently tap me on the shoulder and say, "What else can you ease back on in your life?" I knew what He was leading me to stepping down from. And this one thing is certainly productive. I feel so good when I do it. But it does make the rest of my day crazy.

So I did what I felt God telling me to do and reached out and said I needed to rework some things in my schedule. I explained that I was just doing too much on this day. It was hard for me to be so honest. My first instinct was to question what the person receiving my words would think about me. I questioned that she could understand what I was going through as she's SO together. But the spirit of God was stronger than my what ifs and He calmed my anxiety. I obeyed and she responded favorably. You can imagine my big sigh of relief.

What are some things you can pull back from? I would love to hear your thoughts on how you can ease the busyness in your own life, seek God and identify with who He has called you to be.

Today's Reflection:
Lord as I continue on this journey, I realize it's much more complex than I ever realized it would be. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and my heart to the reality of how busy I was. The busyness was eating away at my soul. It makes me remember when I heard John Ortberg say, "ruthlessly eliminate busyness from your life". That was at MOPS Convention in 2007. Two years ago You started trying to get through to me but I couldn't hear You through the day to day busyness that consumed my life. Thank you Lord for slowing me down and for hearing my heart cry out when I couldn't hear it myself.


The Boyd Gang November 5, 2009 at 8:40 PM  

I think you should start ministering to women and helping them see who they are in God! I would love to sit and visit with you about your journey because you have inspired me to really take a look at my busy I am....who I really am.....
Thank you for pouring your heart out to us!! You are such a blessing!

Leah November 8, 2009 at 9:36 PM  

Thanks Page. I would love to talk to you some time. (((Hugs)))

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