Days 52 & 53

Early in my journey towards spiritual, physical and emotional wholeness I often wondered who I was. Literally I felt lost. I was Brian's wife, the girls mom, the MOPS Coordinator. I felt as if my existence meant little and that anyone could do what I did. I think this is why I struggled with anxiety and the fear of dying. I know that's morbid but I think we all want to stamp our brief existence with something beautifully memorable.

But rather than creating something beautiful memorable, I felt as if I was lost in doing and being rather than being found through doing and being. I'm not sure if that makes sense in words but I literally felt defined by what I did. Now I realize I need to be defined by God and by allowing Him to define me and choose what I do - I am found.

I think it's very easy, for women especially, to lose their identity. God does call many of us to be wives and mothers. I believe it's one of the highest callings we can fulfill. But He never meant for us to become lost in our families. If we become lost in them or the other things that we do, they have become ultimate and God has faded to the background.

I didn't do this on purpose. It simply happened after years of infertility, IVF, a problem pregnancy and losing 2 triplets and then having two special needs kids. Everything else faded to the background. I am not saying my focus shouldn't have been on my kids and their needs, but my vision tunneled and all I could see was them and their needs. I lost sight of God, myself and even my husband.

So who I am? I am finally realizing that understanding my identity in Christ is absolutely essential to being successful at living a joyful Christian life. It is what should define me. I think I felt such shame at who I had been that I let that isolate me from God. Then I became subconsciously determined to be the best wife and mother I could be and while those are beautiful goals they left out the most important part - God. I couldn't fulfill that calling of being the wife and mother I was called to be without Him. I can only be accepted, secure and significant and therefore the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and minister of the Gospel of Peace I can be if I am fully dependent and enmeshed in God.

In my search for significance I found these scriptures and try to meditate on them:

The bible says I am accepted.
I am God's child. John 1:12
As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ. John 15:14
I have been justified. Romans 5:1
I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit. 1 Corinthians 6:17
I have been bought with a price and I belong to God. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I am a member of Christ's body. 1 Corinthians 12:27
I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child. Ephesians 1:3-8
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. Colossians 1:13-14
I am complete in Christ. Colossians 2:9-10
I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ. Hebrews 4:14-16

The bible says I am secure.
I am free from condemnation. Romans 8:1-2
I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances. Romans 8:28
I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God. Romans 8:31-39
I have been established, anointed and sealed by God. 2 Corinthians 1:21-22
I am hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:1-4
I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me. Philippians 1:6
I am a citizen of heaven. Philippians 3:20
I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. 1 John 5:18

The bible says I am significant.
I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life. John 15:5
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. John 15:16
I am God's temple. 1 Corinthians 3:16
I am a minister of reconciliation for God. 2 Corinthians 5:17-21
I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm. Ephesians 2:6
I am God's workmanship. Ephesians 2:10
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. Ephesians 3:12
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

God can do all things without me but I am tired of sitting on the sidelines. I long to be significant for Christ and be used. I long to be close to God and to feel His presence each moment of each day.

Today's Reflection: Lord I long to be who You created me to be. I am a wife and a mother and I am proud of that calling. And in the world's eyes I could be a good wife and mom without You. But I am fully confident that I can only be the wife and mom I am called to be through You. I also believe that you are calling me to ministry. As You work in me - create in me an understanding of what that calling is. I will completely submit to Your plan. Thank you Lord for accepting me, securing me without condemnation and making my brief life significant as I follow You and serve You.

Note: I found the above scriptures on a website quite a while back but didn't not save the link. When I got ready to post this I couldn't find that website that I found it on but if that person reads this or anyone knows please contact me and I'll be sure to post the reference.