Monday, November 30, 2009

Days 58 & 59

The more I lean into God, the more I realize the wickedness of my heart. That's not me lamenting in shame, rather it's a simple reality that I am thankful for as it leads me to repentance.

I am not a big "keeper". I like to shop and tend to gravitate towards nicer things but I also tend to give away and declutter fairly often. I keep the girl's toys and clothes weeded out and usually at least once a month I fill up bags to take to the Mission or Love and Care. There are VERY few things that mean the world to me but those that do I am firmly attached to. This is where my "stuff" matters more than it should.

It started with three simple crystal angels given to me by a friend 7 years ago after I gave birth to Salem - my surviving triplet. I plan to keep Salem's and eventually give her the ones for Brynna and Angel. I have so few physical reminders of them that for some reason these crystal angels have taken the place of what I do not have. I don't have pretty pictures or tangible items. I have memories of Brynna. I can see her in Salem everyday as she and Salem were identical.

I also have the memory of holding Angel, the many ultrasound pictures of her and Salem together and the pics the pathology department took yet I cannot share as they gruesome (long story I'll share another time).

So for some reason these simple yet beautiful crystal angels took the place of the lack of a physical reminder of their presence in my life.

Somehow they were not packed away properly as normally they would have been. This was during the time I had my weight loss surgery and it would be very uncharacteristic of me to have packed them away so unpoorly. So I began playing the blame game in my head. Thankfully most of it stayed in my head but it definitely effected my heart and I got angry and had to leave the house a while.

I made it to the van and cried. I was literally broken hearted. And I was SO angry at the carelessness that could have broken them. Grief consumed me. After a few minutes I realized I wasn't as angry about the literal angels as I was at what they symbolized. They symbolized my daughters. My daughters that I miss every single day. I usually don't let myself grieve enough even though I am trying to be more aware of this need. Then I realized as important as those beautiful angels were - they didn't replace my husband or Salem or Raina or even Brynna and Angel. The crystal angels didn't replace the simple memories I had. Their loss would have hurt but ultimately I will see Brynna and Angel again in heaven. Those angels are simply "stuff". Important yes - but stuff none-the-less.

I am not saying I didn't have a reason to be upset. I could even have been angry at the situation. But in my anger I sinned. (Ephesians 4:26).

Today's Reflection: Lord please forgive my anger. Help me be less attached to the things of this world. It's wonderful to have nice things but they won't bring me closer to You. They won't replace Angel and Brynna or make the grief less. They won't edify my soul or soothe my spirit. Only You can. Thank You Lord for the many blessings in my life. As I concentrate on those blessings, I pray that the cares of this world would slip further and further away.

***Note: Day 60 is a big post and I am tired. I will post it Tuesday as well as day 61.


Rachel December 1, 2009 at 5:14 AM  


Trish December 2, 2009 at 5:22 PM  

So glad you were able to let yourself grieve, even if it did take a while to get there. A coworker of mine lost twins who had been born very early last February (one within a couple days of birth and the other within a few weeks), and I know she is going through an especially tough time right now.

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