Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Day 62

My biggest struggle right now tends to be fear. I really am just a scaredy cat inside. Most people who know me in real life probably wouldn't know this but I am simply afraid of so many things real and imagined. But then I wonder do I really hide it that well? My 7 year old has been developing some anxiety based fear and we've been working through that with scripture and prayer and I've been praying against that generational curse. Thus I need to deal with my own fear in order to help her deal with hers. I don't want fear to become a stronghold in her life the way it has in mine.

What am I scared of? Everything both real, potentially real and ridiculously unreal. It's borderline ridiculous at times. I've become better at taking the thoughts captive but I want more. I want the thoughts gone or at the very least I want them to be barely a blip on my radar. I want to rebuke it, turn to God and move on. I don't want to give fear even one foot in the door of my heart and mind.

Yesterday I had a hard day with some fearful thoughts. I struggled with it - prayed and thought about it. I knew I needed to fight this battle head on and not run from it as would be my first instinct. I was still pondering all this today when a friend called me. She had a dream about me. In this dream I was in a boat and paddling somewhere and was entranced by the beauty of fireflies around me. All of the sudden alligators were there and I could no longer see the beautiful fireflies. I instantly knew what this mean. The alligators were my fear and my fear is hindering me from the beauty of everyday life.

Fear stomps out that beauty. Fear keeps me surviving rather than living. I've got to get this stronghold broken out of my life. I've come too far - God has brought me too far - to backslide into fear.

I also started reading Max Lucado's Fearless. I agree with him when he says fear feels dreadful. Fear sucks the life out of the soul, curls us into an embryonic state and drains us out of contentment.

I know what God's word says. I know by grace I am saved through faith. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND. Thus really it's foolish, stupid even, for me to continue to exist in fear. I want faith to be my default reaction. Jesus says this is possible. Jesus I believe - help my unbelief.

Today's Reflection: Lord I want to be free from fear. I want to be able to ignore fear knocking at my door. I want to ALWAYS remember the promise of Christ and to not be afraid. Even in circumstances that are real and not imagined I want to default to faith. Your word tells me in Matthew 6:25 not to worry about everyday life. Lord help me. Deliver me - heal me. Show me the way through this.


Rebecca December 3, 2009 at 12:33 AM  

Tell me about it... fear is one of my biggest hurdles also. It's not easy.

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