Day 88

It's been a long day. I am in Monterrey and I miss my family terribly. I knew I would but I never realized how much. It was a stressful trip due to snow and ice and delays. My luggage didn't make it. Then I had a hard time finding a calling card and my phone which was supposed to allow me to call out and text won't do either. So I found my anxiety level rising.

I began to second guess myself and wonder if I was doing the right thing even though Brian and I felt that we had prayed through this decision to have reconstructive surgery. This journey has been about me focusing on God and less on others. About finding myself alone with God and not running from the quiet my soul longs for. I don't think this is just a coincidence that God started talking to me about this journey of solitude in early September then I plan to have surgery at this time - close to the end of this ninety days. God knew I was coming here. Being alone and relying solely on God was apart of his plan. Previously fear has just ruled my life. I've been scared of dying, scared of living, scared of being authentic, scared of being out of control, just plain scared of everything.

And in the middle of all this I thought of Salem. How on earth will I ever help her not live in fear and anxiety if I still do the same? I don't want her constantly afraid of everything and constantly second guessing herself. I have to face this fear head on. God has to help me defeat it. I don't want to just provide lip service and tell her how not to be afraid. I need to live it. I need to show her.

The reality is I am not alone. God is right here with me. I am ok. After my panic was over I calmed. I rested in God. I prayed some but the rest was more important. Sometimes it's necessary to be quiet and just rest in the Lord.

Today's Reflection: Lord I believe all will be ok tomorrow. I believe you are right here with me. I do not want to be afraid anymore. My hope is completely in you. You will be right here with me even if I am physically alone. I believe you have a plan for my life that doesn't end tomorrow. My fear today has actually had very little to do with the surgery but more so about being so overwhelmed at being alone. Lord show me right now that you are here with me. Envelope me in your presence. Comfort me with your love. Encourage me. Free me. Let this be the start of something new. I am never alone. I rebuke fear in the name of Jesus. I thank you lord that you have given me a sound mind. You are my peace. You are my hope. Remind me that the comfort and love of family, while so very precious, can never replace the love and intimacy I share with you. I want more. Give me more Lord.