Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Day 81

The more I embrace and experience my feelings the more out of sync I seem to feel. I think this is key to my emotional wellness because when I stuff and react I feel in control. But when I allow myself to experience and simply be I don't know how to respond. I feel as if I am sinking but I'm really not. It's such a paradox.

I don't want to be a control freak. I try to let the little things go. I try to really slow down and think through my responses and sometimes just not respond rather than respond in anger. But there has to be something in between nothing and anger. What is it? How I can let someone know they've hurt me or I am concerned about something without them seeing it as an attack? They've seen the old Leah for so long that even my gentle, considerate responses are often met with hesitation. Sigh. I feel as if I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I am this big emotional mess inside at times (more often than not these days) and people still think I have it all together. The ironic thing is the more I try not to pretend that I have it together the more people applaud my efforts and encourage me and thing I do have it together. It almost drives me crazy. In fact the further along I walk on this journey the less together I feel. The only thing holding me together is God and his presence and his grace. And I think that's how it's truly supposed to be. God's grace is truly sufficient for me.

Today's Reflection: Embracing emotions is so tiring Lord. It is so much easier to avoid or blow up even though I know long term it will destroy me. Some days I really want to give up - especially when I have to deal with conflict. I've always been one to tackle conflict head on. Now I hate it pure and simple. I want to be kind and encouraging but sometimes confrontation must happen but I often feel it's not well received so I avoid it. That puts me back in my old pattern so I can't keep doing that. Lord please walk before me like a banner so people will see you in me. Please let nothing in me be reminiscent of the old Leah who is dying to self. Let them see you in me so I may find favor in those situations where I need to confront or talk about a really hard subject. I don't expect people will always receive what I say or be in complete agreement, but please show me how to approach them so they will hear me, acknowledge me and love me regardless of how much or little they agree with what I say.


Julia Stewart December 23, 2009 at 8:42 AM  

the question is not what do I need to do in this situation.... the question is "what does this situation need"... more often than not it does not require anything "to be done" by us.

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