Day 78

Live life on purpose. That has really resonated with me and buried itself down deep in my soul. Yet it's puzzling - how can I live on purpose? What am I doing with my life today that will last forever? What am I doing to engage the darkness?

It sounds so lofty and idealistic. I am just a mom and a wife. Some days I feel as if I am barely treading water and it would be so much easier just to stop. But God encourages me to keep moving.

My ultimate calling is to be a Godly wife and a mom. Everything else is gravy. If I am godly wife and mom I will raise my daughters to know God and lead a holy life. Hopefully they will not struggle the way I did. Hopefully they will be blessed and encouraged by their mother and not provoked to wrath. I often think of the Proverbs 31 woman and to be honest in the past I've often been intimidated by it. In January I am going to start a study on it. But for now I know it doesn't mean to be super woman.

And speaking of being super woman - one thing I know for certain is I have no desire to be super woman. This week completely brought this hope. It was a chaotic week at best. Monday was MOPS and errand day. Tuesday Salem had a dentist appointment that did NOT go well and then Raina had speech. Wednesday we were back at the dentist office for her to be sedated, then Raina had an eye glass appointment and then we had a huge outreach at church. Then Thursday we had marriage therapy and OT/Speech after school and hosted a Christmas party. Then Friday Salem had a Christmas party, errands, Raina's Dr. appointment to get her stitches out...and in the midst of all this tried to do bible study pray, run errands, do Christmas stuff, had a house to get and keep clean since we were hosting two parties, had business stuff to do, a Dr.'s appointment for me, along with 2 chiropractor appointments, and more.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Yesterday I realized that this was reminiscent of how I lived my life last year. For the past 78 days this has been the exception, but pre-fall this was my norm. I was always totally busy and overwhelmed and doing doing doing. Some weeks like this past one are unavoidable. Sometimes things pile up and we have to get through it the best we can. But I know busyness doesn't bring out the best in me at all. I tend to get grouchy and all I can think of is that endless to do list. Add back pain to the mix and you might get an idea of my attitude this week. For the most part I did keep it in check but the thoughts and feelings were on this inside and I struggled to meditate and pray them through. I also know that for the past 78 days I've tried to live in peace and solitude and weeks like this show me how precious solitude is. I missed the solitude and totally resented the busyness that invaded my life. I longed for rest and peace.

So how could I have lived on purpose throughout this crazy busy week? I could have been less agitated even though I am fairly proud of how well I handled it. Sometimes busyness is unavoidable but I do believe I handle it with a good attitude. I could have remembered to bring my earbuds to a couple of appointments and used that time to listen to sermons or praise and worship music and use that as down time to quieten my mind and recenter and refresh my spirit. I could have done more deep breathing and meditation. I could have purposed in my heart to find someone to bless.

Today's Reflection: Lord I am not entirely sure what living on purpose means in my life. I know you have called me to this blog thus I am writing it and being obedient to become authentic and transparent. I know you have called me to be a Godly wife and mother. But I am sure I miss opportunities everyday to live on purpose and engage the darkness and push it back in other people's lives. I want to be a blessing to those around me. I want to stop and care rather than getting trapped in the busyness of life. Teach me in this next week to meditate on you more fully. To focus on you and what you would have me do in this life. I want to live on purpose for you. Show me what to do.