Day 69

I have to admit that I am actually quite proud of myself. I am usually not one to pat myself on the back, but I made myself look back on this past year and see where I've been, where I've gone and where I am now going.

By the grace of God I started this journey last year. Self inspection and awareness is hard. Even though it's ultimately destructive, it's so much easier to hide yourself in denial and not work on anything. I did that my entire adult life and I regret it but it is what it is. I can't change it but I can change how I lead the rest of my life. I am so glad God got my attention.

Thank you for providing a way for me to lose weight and keep it off and encouraging me to exercise. I now love it (for the most part). I've also learned to eat right. It becomes habit if we allow it to.

Thank you for sending me to T to help work through my issues. I appreciate the therapeutic Godly counsel and his unconditional acceptance. His acceptance of me just as I was helped me look to God for that acceptance.

Thank you Lord for Brian who EVERY step of the way has been so supportive even when he just so completely didn't understand anything I was going through.

Thank you Lord for friends and family who were supportive no matter what. Even when I started driving 2 1/2 hours to Lubbock to continue therapy your support has been amazingly uplifting.

I am proud of what I have accomplished this past year by the grace of God:

• Lost 90 pounds
• Learned to like exercise & especially running
• Chilled out - I've had a much easier time controlling by anger and my temper and my control freak tendencies.
  
• Learned to say no - I don't have to do or be everything
• Practiced what I preached. Before I had the words down but the actions not so much.
• I've learned to trust in God - even when my control freak nature wants to hurry him along or fix it myself. I am learning to sit back and relax and - yes - wait...
• I'm learning to embrace the past even the things I want to ignore. I am learning that embracing doesn't mean I look at it in affection but it helps me start processing it and dealing with it
• I'm learning to love myself. I am still working on this one but it's easier everyday.
  
• I'm learning to love time alone. I don't run from solitude as I used to. I am not scared of hearing what God says to me or my own reflections.
• I'm learning not to walk in shame and to trust in the gospel for my EVERY need.

I am excited to see what God has in store for me this next year.

Today's Reflection: Today was a simple day. I was busy but you were there right beside me. Thank you for staying with me, helping me through issues that played out in my mind and comforting me and encouraging me when I felt most alone. You've done so much in my life and I am so thankful Lord. Thank you for loving me enough to fix what's been broken in my life rather than letting me self destruct and throw myself away.