Day 75

The joy of the Lord is my strength. That is my mantra today. It's been a long yucky day. I am tired and honestly can't think of a lot to say except to embrace my feelings as they are, vent them and move on.

A week after my grandmother died I had a wreck. I was at a complete stop and a guy hit me going 40. I've been going to the chiropractor since my then. It's really helped my neck a lot but there is still a lot of tightness. Originally the x-ray showed it was straight rather than curved. But because it's still SO tight we started decompression therapy last week. Two days after starting the decompression therapy, I misstepped off a curb and while I didn't fall I felt it in my back immediately. We were going in to Salem's Christmas program and I had to stand during most of it. I went to the chiropractor the next day and it was swollen and he referred me to the doctor.

So after a painful weekend I had an appointment today. After 2 hours there we found that I have a compression between C6-C7 in my neck and arthritis in my neck. The good news is the curve is coming back (it was VERY straight after the wreck). I also have degeneration in the lowest lumbar vertebrae. This was not caused by the wreck or by stepping off the curb but it was exacerbated by it. More than likely it was largely due to my being overweight my entire adult life. My tummy tuck will help this some. Even though I am 90 pounds lighter, I have about 4-8 pounds of skin that just hangs and that causes back pain and pressure.

But there isn't much he can do until after I heal from my tummy tuck. I am not sure I want to do steroid treatments - I don't want to gain any weight. So I am going to talk to my PCP for a second opinion and do some research. He did give me a RX for tramadol and a muscle relaxer and a tens unit (I was borrowing a friend's dads). But I can't take the pain killers and muscle relaxers during the day and drive and such. Brian does have an inversion table so I'll try that that as well.

I am so disappointed and discouraged. I can't work out the way I was working out and that is frustrating on multiple levels. It leveled out my emotions, it empowers me and it usually makes me feel amazing physically. So that is discouraging. I can't remember getting the the same feeling from yoga and walking. It's exercise - the benefits are there. But it's not what I want. The pain is also VERY intense. I have a fairly high pain tolerance. I didn't as a young adult but I have since my first pregnancy and this pain is debilitating. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to pop pills all day to maintain.

I don't want to be super woman. But I want to feel better. I want to know I can be healthy physically as well as mentally and my back pain is incorporated into that. And I am fully aware that it will get better. I am working on letting the joy of God strengthen me. But I am tired and weary and just want rest emotionally and physically.

Today's Reflection: Lord I am tired. Please replenish my joy. Strengthen me and heal me. Let your healing oil flood over me. Help me handle the pain with grace and dignity. Please help me keep my attitude in check as I work through all this. I am so grateful for your presence and I love you Lord. I know you are hear with me. Please remind me every moment how much I need you, how much you are there and that you have a plan for me that makes this pain irrelevant. You are more than this pain. You are GOD! You are the God that has delivered Kathy from cancer. Her spots are gone from many areas and the lesion on her liver is smaller. You ARE THAT GOD. You are the God that has delivered me from sin and has revealed himself to me in so many ways. I know you are there. Help me focus on you and not let the enemy tempt me to stray my focus. If I stray from looking at you I will sink. Help me walk on this water Lord.