Day 68

Have you ever really needed the complete emotional and physical support of someone? You just wanted that touch and their emotional stability. You almost needed it even. Part of that I've never experienced in most of my adult life. I am somewhat of a touch-me-not. I don't feel instantly connected to people by a hug or a pat on the back. I tend to buck up inside and feel on edge. Yet I've always used touch to connect me to people because I felt it was expected. For instance as a teenager I was fairly promiscuous. I did so in a search for connection - for love. But most of the time I was disappointed and eventually grew to hate the actual physical part of it all. I just continued to search for love and connection that way because it's all I knew.

To be completely honest I pretty much dislike this about myself. I want to be open and less guarded. I am much more at peace with this now - but in the pas there have been times when I literally had to practice physical touch with my spouse and children. With my kids it's become second nature. With Brian it's definitely better. But it's still something that's not completely natural for me. And rather than disliking it about myself I want to accept it as a part of who I am. Acceptance will not mean that I cannot change it but I firmly believe that acceptance is the first step forward even in attempting change.

I know the touch-me-not side of myself is there for many reasons. Some of those reasons I've explored and some are lurking in the shadows and will be acknowledged and dealt with eventually. But for now I am choosing not to feel guilty about it. I used to give hugs because I felt I had to. Now I don't purposely try to avoid it but I don't seek it out because I feel I have to. (Again this is apart from Brian and the girls. God is definitely healing me and making it much more easier with them).

So with all that said - I've found that by leaning into God I am becoming less guarded physically. I feel God's presence physically even though of course I don't see him and cannot touch him. It's as if my physical and spiritual being are completely intertwined and what I feel on a deep spiritual level connects to me physically.

I feel less anxious spiritually thus my stomach is less upset and I don't have as many headaches. I feel less tired emotionally and spiritually thus I have more energy even if I have a busy day and haven't had much rest. I feel God spiritually embrace me and it relaxes me and makes me want to reach out to Brian and the girls.

It's amazing how completely fulfilling God's presence is when we truly give in to it and rest and lean into him. I never truly realized before how communing with God consistently could heal so many areas of my life. I knew and believed it could happen for others, many times felt I didn't deserve more of God than I had or I felt I had so much compared to what I deserved why ask for more? Both are ridiculous. God wants us to lean into him, to totally become dependent on him. It's how we learn to simply be with God. I've made it so difficult over the years by doing. I am really learning to relish being.

Today's Reflection: Thank you Lord for your presence in my life. For loving me and cherishing me. For encouraging me and even disciplining me. Your presence is healing my entire being - mind, body and soul. I love feeling your presence so completely in my life. As I continue to lean into you - fill me. I long to overflow in you.