Sunday, December 13, 2009

Day 71

As I work on my shame issues I have to figure out where they stem from. My T suggested I answer these questions to start working on where to process this from.

Do I accept my body as it is? No I do not. After losing 90 pounds I have realized to what extent I was destroying my body. I do plan to have a tummy tuck. I have exercised hard core for about 10 months and have spoken to two plastic surgeons. This skin will not retract. My skin is about 9 pounds in and of it self. At first I dealt with a lot of selfishness regarding this. But then I decided I feel beautiful regardless of the skin which is usually true. But like a meth addict whose teeth may be destroyed by their addiction, my stomach is destroyed. It affects my running and the skin infections I have to deal with. It's restoring what God created my body to be.

Do I feel as if I am not attractive enough? Perhaps occasionally but generally I am happy with my looks.

Am I embarrassed about how I am aging? No. As I have researched plastic surgery I have seen a lot of weight loss patients dealing with creating an entire new body in their quest for wholeness. I don't need or want a face lift or tons of lipo or botox. I am happy with where I am at physically, mentally, spiritually and how well I have aged. I am almost 42. I can't reverse that.

Do I judge myself for being too heavy and not physically fit? No. I have in the past. And I do think I should and can work out more but my back injury is what it is and it's not a huge shame factor. I just wish it were different.

Do I accept my mind as it is? I don't judge myself for not being intelligent. I am fairly smart. I do wish I were more humorous or light-hearted or interesting. I feel boring and would love to be the life of the party. I long to have natural fun conversation with people and I think my sarcastic wit tends to turn people off. But for the most part I am finally learning to love who I am - sarcastic wit and all and am trying to learn to use it constructively.

Am I critical over obsessive thoughts? Yes. I tend to be very over anxious and obsessive and it drives me nuts. I want to be laid back. But I always want to be who I am and channel these things positively but I don't know how. I try to be mindful of why I am anxious and obsessive without bringing judgement into it.

Am I ashamed of bad thoughts? Yes

Do I consider myself bad at meditation, bible study or prayer cause my mind wanders? Yes at times.

Is it ok for me to cry and to be insecure and vulnerable? I will admit I do NOT like this. I cry a lot in therapy but it's one of my few safe places. I am learning to be ok with it and just be but I feel ill at ease with it still. It tends to make me feel weak and unsafe.

Do I condemn myself for being depressed? Sometimes when it doesn't seem to make sense yes.

Am I overly critical of myself for being impatient, irritable or intolerant? Yes. I find no good excuse for any of that but I try to be mindful to see what brought me there as opposed to being angry at myself.

Do I feel that my anger or anxiety is a sign that I am not progressing spiritually? Yes I do feel that way at times but usually I am better at being ok with it. Most of the time I know it's because I am not working out or taking care of myself and so I know what the solution is. Being mindful helps me remember that.

Am I ashamed of my past? Yes usually

Do I hate myself if I act self-centered? No - I usually am not self centered. So if I do find myself in that emotion I just try to correct it.

Do I feel as if I am falling short in relating to family and friends? Yes. I am a fixer and right now I feel quite alone on this journey that no one else seems to get. I want people to "get me" and when they don't I feel condemned and want to fix that.

Do I feel selfish if I don't put others first? Spiritually I know there is a time to put yourself first and a time to help others at all costs. What I struggle with is finding that balance.

Today's Reflection: Lord on this journey towards wholeness I am often frustrated at how long it seems to take. I want to be whole NOW. And right now at that.
I don't often want to acknowledge that it took me 40 years to get here. And I seldom reflect on how far I have come in a year. But it's been an amazing year. You have done great things in me and I am still amazed at your grace and mercy. It completes me. Help me remember that in all things I must give thanks. Your plan to heal me and restore me is a step by step process. You have a plan to prosper me and not to harm me and to give me a hope and a future. It may not be as instantaneous as I want it to be but its very real. Help me not lose sight of you and concentrate on what I lack. Let me look towards you and concentrate on what I have. I have salvation - priceless eternal salvation. I have a beautiful relationship with my heavenly father, a wonderful husband, beautiful children and loving friends and family. All things will come together in your time.


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