Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Day 82

First of all I am a day behind on posting. I was going to rush this morning and try to get caught up so tonight I could post day 83 and I decided what does a day's post matter if it's stressing me out? I will just add another day and end the official 90 days on December 31st. How fitting is that? I am not sure what will happen January 1. I know this journaling has been therapeutic so I am sure I will keep it up. But I know God purposed something in my heart for these 90 days so I am excited to process and understand where I started and where I finished at the end of this 90 days. It's somewhat humbling to lay all the cards on the table and process everything out this way yet it's wildly freeing as well. So who knows what God has planned. I will simply follow.

Anyway...

After posting last night I got a text from a dear friend who I no longer get to see much since she is now in Pennsylvania and I'm in Texas. What she sent me really encouraged me and I want to share it.

"I just read your blog and for the record I don't think you have it all together. I do, however, think you are a beautiful mess. And I admire the fact that what you are going through is hard, but you're doing it anyway. And that you are allowing yourself the time and energy to do it. You deserve that. Not to be overly encouraging, but I am proud of you."


Thanks Judy. That's just what I needed to hear. She and a another friend know all of my stuff that stays hidden from the world at large, so they have a good idea of what I deal with in therapy and through prayer, etc. So I loved this response. I know she "gets" me. It made me realize that people close to me see that it's all not sunshine and roses, but they do see my growth and the positive forward movement.

I think God sees me as a beautiful mess as well. He created me to be this beautiful unique being of infinite worth and potential. He values and loves me beyond my comprehension. Yet somewhere along the way, the beauty he created was corrupted. Now I am struggling to find that beautiful girl he created. She's still in there. I get glimpses of her and God reminds me continually that she is who he created me to be. She's just covered in the mire of this world. But she is coming out and being renewed. She may have scars, but she is there and God has this amazing plan for her. I want that. I want it now but I know I am in a process to get there and find her. Sometimes I just put the cart before the horse in my hurry and excitement.

Today's Reflection: Lord as I strive to be closer to you I often feel less worthy to be in your presence. I know that is an attack from the enemy and I refuse to allow myself to go back there. But on the other hand I don't want to think more of myself than I need to. We've talked about this before Lord - balance is such a fine line. I know you are right here holding my hand and helping me balance. If I get stubborn, please remind me that I can't do it on my own. I need your guidance, your touch, and your presence not to fall off. I treasure where I am at today Lord. I often want to finish this journey and get to where you want me to be, but for today I don't want to miss where I am at while looking at the long term prize. I don't want to miss the beauty that is right here in my life today. Thank you Lord for this life (and even for the little girls who interrupt with screaming while I am trying to finish this blog. Off to be the mom).

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