Sunday, December 13, 2009

Days 72 & 73

How on earth do you love your flaws? I find myself struggling with this a lot lately, even though I know it's important. It's brought to reality when I hear Salem tell me she hates being little. Being only 7 I really don't emphasize how small the geneticist says she'll be - 4'11 at her tallest. I do tell her that God created her little for a reason and what a big blessing he has in store for her. But if I don't apply this to my own life and to my own traits that I don't love, how do I help her apply it to hers?

I really do want to love my flaws. Physically that is easier to do since I have lost weight. My issues are more with my personality traits. I have found that there is almost always a kinder, gentler side to every personality trait that I have that I tend to want to run from. My desire is for God to turn my biggest flaws into my strongest weaknesses. It doesn't mean I should accept the negative as an excuse to say this is just how I am and thus be rude and abrasive (as I have been in the past). I need to be mindful of and make amends for mistakes I make out of my weaknesses. But I also can't stay in those mistakes and get stuck in self-flagellation. For me that just lends fuel to shame.

It's all about about balance. If I lean too far to the left I slip into condemnation and shame. If I lean too far to the right I slip into rude condescending behavior. To be honest, this tightrope is hard to walk, but it's important that I not give up.

I've often wanted to change my personality traits but really I am pretty much stuck with them. Thus, my goal should be to change how I deal with them and use them to relate to others as well as channel them in a Godly manner.

It starts with being mindful of how my personality traits affect others. It's ok to have a strong black and white personality. It enables me to be a strong advocate for my children. It gives me discernment but it's not a license to be rude, disrespectful or judgmental.

In my mind's eye I'd love to be laid back and the life of the party. The one that makes people laugh and puts them at ease. But in reality that's not who I am. I am sarcastic at times, have a dry wit, am opinionated and strong willed as well as straight forward. I seldom keep quiet. When I look at those characteristics outside of my own personality I can see that they have a wonderful ability to be used by God. But when I relate them to my own self I get frustrated because often I don't channel them appropriately. I am learning to accept that it's ok to be black and white and straight forward. It's how God made me and he plans to use that somehow for his glory. I have to trust his plan.

Today's Reflection: Lord I want my greatest weaknesses to become my greatest assets. Show me how to develop and use my dry wit and sarcasm to make people laugh rather than make them uncomfortable. Show me how to be a strong advocate for you and the kingdom as well as for my children without alienating people. Show me how to temper my strong will with compassion and empathy. You have created me with these personality traits for a reason. Help me embrace them rather than resent them. Show me how to be the ambassador of Christ that you would want me to be. I don't need to be quiet spoken to be used by you. Help me find that balance on this tightrope. I want people to see a true reflection of you in me.

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