Day 21

First let me say it was a much better day today. Or rather, I had a much better attitude today. This morning I woke with this scripture on my heart:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Amen. I am so glad yesterday is over. I didn't dwell on it endlessly today but I did thank God for the mercies that accompany a new day and wondered why I have struggled so much lately, especially when I have been trying so hard to do what I am called to do. I feel like the Holy Spirit guided me into a startling realization.

For those of you who know me - you know how much working out is important to me and my weight loss. (I've lost 85ish pounds - down from 232.6 to 146.) Working out fills me with strength and perseverance and a feeling that I can do ANYTHING. Gotta love those endorphins.

Well basically the Holy Spirit asked me how long it's been since I did a real work out. Crud. Seriously walking with my kiddos hasn't been enough. It's been over a month since I ran or did a powerful strength training session. I've done a tad bit of stuff here at home but it's been very minor. Over a month, five weeks actually. How on earth did that happen?

Oh I have valid excuses. I listed them out mentally. My friend Kathy was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer (and has 3 young children) and 3 days later my my friend Diana's 10 year old daughter died after a 5 year struggle with reoccurring cancer. These circumstances alone threw me for a loop spiritually and emotionally. Then my grandmother went into the hospital on September 29th, followed by Salem's birthday, homecoming, Salem's birthday party and then us getting the call that Nannie was being transferred to CCU. Within a day we were having her setup on hospice and she died less than two days later. All of this happened in less than a week. Then there was planning the visitation and service, having guests around and the actual service itself.

Sigh...excuses...and really they were all valid excuses. If I had been talking to a friend who had had such a month I would have edified her and loved on her and encouraged her to start fresh and get back on track. Definitely valid excuses - but excuses none-the-less. No wonder I've been so snappy. Seriously, for me working out is like taking Prozac. It's completely necessary. I stress less and it's easier to keep my emotions level.

I did it to myself. All via valid excuses. I wonder how often we all do that? Life gets hard, our kids get sick, our spouse gets laid off, we have a family problem and we stop spending time with God, or less time with Him, or stop eating well and working out cause it's easier in a rush just to grab something quick. We might get lazy about our responsibilities in general. And it all may have started from something valid going on in our life. But for me that time of rest that I needed turned into laziness. It can be such a fine line.

So I asked God when valid things come up that require our attention how do we find balance? How do I personally find that time to bless my body and keep myself physically and emotionally well when I am struggling to read my bible and pray and get all my "stuff" done.

Then as God tends to do, He gently revealed to me that regardless of commitments and tragedy, could I really have not found time at least three times a week to go run? A 30 minute run at the minimum? Sigh...I did ask Him and the answer was of course I could.

Weirdly enough being the perfectionist I am, I wanted to run 3 days a week and do strength training the other 3 days as usual and when I couldn't I didn't do anything. Yeah that makes sense. (Imagine me rolling my eyes here).

It's so blasted easy to get off track. I wasn't even trying and did it. I am almost 42 - and it's still so easy to slide away in certain areas. Hopefully I will overcome sooner rather than later as this area is crucial to my spiritual, physical and emotional development. When I work out I tend to listen to my Christian music or podcasts. I fill my spirit as I replenish my body. And afterwards I feel AMAZING.

Its ridiculously ironic to me after working out HARD CORE since early February, that it never occurred to me that not working out would give way to my anxious thoughts returning and to stress and frustration being harder to abate.

In light of my recent wreck and the pain I feel in my back and neck, I am not sure I can run yet but I will be in that gym tomorrow. I can guarantee that. Feel free to hold me accountable.

Today's Reflection: Lord how wonderful it is to waken to a bright new day and realize what a fresh start we have. Your compassion never fails. Your love never ends or gives up. You never let go. Thank You for opening my eyes to something that seems so minute, but is definitely of such major importance in my day to day life. As this journey into solitude unfolds I see so much more of You at work in my life even though it has gotten more difficult. I realize that solitude in and of itself seems so easy but it's actually very intricate and made up of so many different pieces - like pieces to a puzzle. If I lose even one piece or fit it incorrectly, the puzzle becomes misshaped or incomplete. Complete me Lord. You began this good work in me and I know You will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6)

(Note: Thank you all for the comments. I have to admit I love getting them. It's nice to have that validation.)