Sunday, October 25, 2009

Days 24 & 25

On many levels I feel hugely disconnected from those around me. I do know I love them and know they love me. I feel their support. I see it. I value it. But it's as if they can't really be a part of this journey I am on. At least not yet - as it's based in solitude. But I still feel lonely a lot lately.

I feel like this one part of my life can't be connected with those I love and respect outside of this blog - at least right now. I don't think I will ever be able to connect with people on a deep personal level until I am grounded and full connected to God. I think that's what I've been missing all these years. Striving to develop and maintain relationships and never really fully feeling successful at it because something was missing.

I get why the solitude is important. I am embracing that. But a part of me wonders if those around me get it. And perhaps they can't. But I also don't want to undervalue my relationships and take them for granted. I simply don't know how to incorporate every day life and relationships into this journey. When I try to share anything in regards to this journey, it sounds convoluted and a tad spacey even to me, so I tend to be quiet about it except here on this blog.

I am often asked what will happen at the end of ninety days. I can honestly say I have no clue how I will feel on January 1. I don't want to think of that actually. So I hope there aren't large expectations on the hearts of those who love me. This journey won't make me a super spiritual being. I am so very imperfect. Sometimes I feel more imperfect as it each day passes by.

But in a way I am embracing that imperfection. I am known for being controlling and wanting things done my way. And in this one thing especially, nothing is in my control. I have zero control.

But zero control actually feels very liberating. I worry about so many different things on a day to day basis that it's refreshing and peaceful not to worry about this. To not strive for perfection and wonder what people think. I simply want to "be" in this relationship with God and let Him guide and direct me. I hope some of that spills over into my day to day life and that I would relax and be less controlling there as well.

Baby Steps...

Today's Reflection: Lord I see you at work around me and in me constantly. I feel the shift of my thinking. I feel Your presence consoling me. Please overtake me. Flood me with Your being. Help me relax and be less of me and more of You. I long to give everything to You. Everything. Nourish me to spiritual health. I long to be strong and courageous in You.

As I give more and more of myself to You, develop in me the characteristics of the woman that you want me to be. While You do not want me to be controlling, there may be some way to use that strong will for Your glory. I am so thankful that You can do something glorious even out of my worst personality traits.

Make me glorious Lord. I am Yours. Not glorious for my benefit - but glorious for Yours.


Julia Stewart October 25, 2009 at 9:06 PM  

i think what is happening here is that the veil is being lifted from your eyes. NO one can really get what we are going through, whether it is a 90 day prayer project or a loss of a baby or flying an airplane in combat. we just THINK that other people get it... but it's just all in our own head... when the fog clears we can see how isolated we are on our journey's and that is why the holy spirit is there.... HE gets it!

Allison October 25, 2009 at 10:28 PM  

wow - Leah and Julia - alot to think about. Ya'll are both awesome! It is very comforting to me that "He gets it" I needed to hear that today even if I'm going through something totally different. Love you guys!

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