Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day 6

This day started with me heading to the Dr. for an endoscopy. I tend to be an anxious person at heart so I was trying to pray quietly and not worry. But I was worrying. So I prayed for peace (2 Timothy 1:7) and then I started praying for my grandmother to pass peacefully and quickly, prayed for my family to handle her passing well and then I started praying for Kathy - my friend with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. I fell asleep praying for her and woke up thinking of her. It was refreshing. It was as if my spirit kept praying even though my mind and body were asleep.

I was not awake very long before I found out that my dear sweet Nannie died right after my endoscopy was over. So my peace was temporarily set aside as I began to feel "rushed and anxious". I wanted to go home and hide and find literal solitude as I knew what lay ahead of me. Technically I am not the "matriarch" of the family but I tend to head things up - sometimes because I just do and sometimes because it's given to me. So I knew I had to center myself, put aside my grief for not and begin making decisions about the celebration service. I tend to think that most of the time I am in charge cause I am seen as the pushy take charge sister. And to be honest - I have been known to be bossy in the past.

But that is not a character trait I am proud of. I don't want to be seen that that way but I already wear that label. They say it's because I can get it done. I hope the latter is true. I don't want to be remembered for being bossy.

So I did what I do best. I went about and did it all. Do Do Do. We made phone calls, sent text messages, handled making arrangements for the service, coordinated food, shopping for a dress for Nannie, and more. All the time I wondered if I was handling it well and second guessing myself the entire time especially when my great aunt was frustrated with me over a decision or when I felt guilty for not socializing with everyone as I worked on compiling photos for the slide show.

I am still Martha in this parable. I want to be more like Mary. But I still get hung up on if I don't do it how will it all get done? Pride....forgive me Lord.

Tomorrow's plan - solitude (literal solitude) after I get the girls to school. My prayer life has greatly increased since Day 1 but I miss the word. It's an integral part of my solitude healing my soul I think.

Today's Reflection: I prayed that God would let Nannie's passing be quick and peaceful. It was. Thank you Lord. I miss my sweet Nan. Life will NOT be the same without her. But I know she's with you and my sweet babies Angel and Brynna and my Papa. That gives me so much peace, especially knowing that she's no longer in pain. I love you Nannie. You gave me more comfort and love than anyone in my life. You believed in me even when I was a rotten mess. You were amazing and I hope I can be half the woman you were. Thank you God for letting her be my grandmother.


Julia Stewart October 8, 2009 at 9:02 AM  

the question is - what does this situation need... not what do I need to do in this situation...

I say that to myself multiple times a day.

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