Day 27

Confession truly liberates the soul. I had such a relaxing day to day. I felt relief at having shared one of my secrets and I was pleased to receive a lot of positive feedback that really blessed me. As this journey progresses I will be sharing more,and eventually my entire story. The bit I shared yesterday isn't as terrifying in comparison. But the fear that used to come with the thought of people knowing about my past is ebbing away. God is truly bigger than my fear if I allow Him to be.

Fear has choked me for far too long. What happens when you fear? It debilitates you spiritually, physically and emotionally. It destroys your soul. I became my own worst enemy when I let shame and the fear that stems from shame rule my life.

Mahatma Gandhi was once asked about his greatest enemy. He spoke of the British and his struggle against imperialism. Then he reflected on his own people, and his struggles against untouchability, bigotry, and violence in India. Finally, he spoke of himself, and his own inner violence, selfishness, and imperfection. The last, he confessed, was his greatest opponent. “There I have very little say.”

I am learning that fear cannot coexist with the experience of solitude that God is bringing me into. Only peace is there. Fear simply floats away.

I begin to walk in peace by showing mercy to myself and by not living in shame and rebuking God's compassion. It seems harsh to say that I rebuked God's compassion but by allowing my shame and fear to root inside of me in place of God's redemptive grace that is what I did.

As I learn to forgive myself, walk in peace and accept God's grace - then I accept and love myself. How I can love others if I truly cannot love myself? My goal is to love myself the way Jesus loves me. It seems impossible but with God all things are possible.

Walking in peace is a difficult journey full of what ifs. But who cares about the what ifs? I cannot change anything about the past. I can only do my best today and hope for the best for tomorrow. It doesn't mean life will be perfect. But it does mean I can rest in God's peace and have joy reigning in my life regardless of circumstances.

As I practice compassionate mercy towards my own self, I truly believe I will walk in peace. As I walk in peace right beside God, this difficult journey will become easier.

My daily challenge is to embrace myself - past and all. Even my present day faults. Embracing them doesn't mean giving in to it. It means seeing it for what is was. Seeing passed the outcome and determining what caused it so I can work towards not letting it happen again. As I embrace myself - past and all - I embrace God. It turns me toward Him fully. Spiritually naked and emotionally vulnerable, I am truly able to experience God as He has meant me to for so long.

In Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus said said that the greatest commandment was to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself.

When I truly look at those words I realize I've been trying to minister the gospel of Jesus Christ without living out the gospel in my own life. How foolish. There is definitely a self-love that is corrupted. But the kind of love God is talking about here is based in grace. It is the only way I can be the woman of God I am called to be. It will enable me to be the wife and mom I want to be. It will help me become a true minister of the Gospel and through it I will be able to love others the way Christ does. Loving myself is not selfish. It's healthy and necessary to my spiritual development.

It is God's plan for my life.

Today's Reflection: God because of Your I exist. I am here today, healing and being made whole. Your love for me sustains me. Your grace fills my heart with gratitude and joy. Thank You Father for delivering me right into Your arms where I belong. No where else do I want to be.